Lills Life:

Misadventures in Wonderland

2011-02-22T18:42:00.001-07:00

So, I decided that the kids and I needed a Vaca, so we hopped on a plane and flew to the happy, sunny land of Disney World, USA. There is a reason that it is called the happiest place on earth. I love the nostalgia of Disney. I love that the moment you step through those gates you feel ten again. There is no better place to heal your heart.

This is the second time that the kids and I traveled to Disney World. The first time was two years ago, and only about 4 or 5 months after John died. That trip was so good for me. My sweet cousins, and aunts let me talk and cry and laugh the whole trip. It was however, physically difficult. I remember pushing that stroller through the parks and actually crying because I was so exhausted. All the while I was thinking, If only I can make it two more years. I thought that whole trip, that when I had two years behind me that I would feel better, and that my life would be back to normal.

So, two years down the road from that trip, and I am in the same odd land of uncomfort. I realized on this trip that my life was never going back to the normal that it use to be. That's not a bad thing, I guess, just different. I didn't realize how much denial I was in until this trip. Though we had a great time, it was hard for me to face reality.

They say that your fondest memories are family vacations. I agree fully, but sometimes some of the most difficult memories are brought up on family vacations, especially if part of that family is missing. You know, that being said, we all felt extra close to John on that trip. It's truly amazing the tender mercies that are given to us just when we need them.

Rainy days and Mondays don't get us down.

The kiddo's in front of the tree of life. Mom and Aves. The Bros.

Ethan and Mom ready to tackle Everest. Mom and Ave in Asia. Averie and her new friend. Another shot of the tree of life.

My Brother Spencer and his wife and kids came with us, which was a huge help, and so much fun. We got to go to two different character breakfasts, and they were so much fun. Averie got Mickey to kiss her and she screamed, in her best Marsh Brady, "He kissed me. He kissed me. I can't believe he kissed me. I'll never wash my forehead again!"

Ethan infront of the castle. Averie being distracted. The kiddos complaining that they wanted to go back to the hotel to swim (not ten minutes inside the gates). The cute poser in the swiss family Robinson treehouse.

Ethan and Sophie at the Rock'n Rollercoaster. The kids at the scify drive inn. (cool eatery where the inside looks like outside and you sit in old cars and watch old movies and they serve you dinner) Ethan and Averie in New York.

We drove about an hour and a half to the beach where we froze our little bums right off. The cold doesn't slow the kids down though.

Mom and Ash in Africa. The Bros picking their switch. Sissy sue. Cool dude Ethan.

Little Averie's Primary Talk

2011-01-02T19:38:00.000-07:00

My heart always jumps into my throat when the primary starts handing out assignments for next week's opening exercises. There is so much pressure involved in having a part. You have to make sure that you are going to be there, and prepared. When you have three kids with asthma, you never know when a rogue virus will sideline the family. So when Averie came skipping toward me with that cursed little blue note in her hand after church, I knew we were in for it.

Helping a five year old give a talk in front of a room full of wiggly little munchkins is not my idea of fun, so true to form, I procrastinated. Sunday morning came a lot quicker than I expected. I did spend the week thinking about the talk, but not much else. While I was showering this morning the tiny spark of an idea caught fire. I started realizing that I was paying attention to the silly conversations that were taking place from time to time during tea parties. I could recall some of the stories that Averie was re-telling to her dollys and to friends. I remembered somber chats that we had while tucking the kids into their beds at night. So, without further ado, here is Averie's talk:

I Know That The Scriptures Are True
I love to learn from the scriptures. I have learned a lot of stories both at home and here in primary. There are so many stories that I love, and that I have learned from. We like to hear about Jonah and the Whale, and Daniel and the Lion’s Den. We have learned so much about love and sacrifice from the stories of the birth and death of our Savior. We learned about faith to be healed when the Savior healed the leapers. My favorite story though is the story about a group of the most righteous kids I have ever heard of. The Stripling Warriors. All of their fathers were killed in a big war. They grew up to be brave and amazing people because they were raised by Mothers, Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles who loved the Lord. They were blessed through their loss just like me and my family has been blessed through our own loss.
I’m grateful for the scriptures and all the things that they teach to me. I’m grateful to know that my brother Jesus Christ gave his life so that I would be able to be with my daddy again. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Silent Night, Humble Night

2010-12-24T22:33:00.000-07:00

The children were all tucked in their bed for a long winters nap...which leaves me all alone to wrap 1,000 presents and wipe my tears. Okay, I may have exaggerated just a bit; there are only 100 presents. I have been quite surprised at how well this Christmas season has gone for me and the kids. The last two years have been extremely difficult without John. We had to put on our game faces and we took it like men. This year has somehow been a bit easier. I think that we've finally hit our stride. Which is probably why I was surprised when the tears started to flow tonight.

We have a family tradition of Christmas eve bowling. John always loved anything that he could compete in, so naturally he and my brothers would have a great time trying to one up each other. Tonight, I really missed that. I felt like I could hear his laugh though. He use to throw his head back, flash that winning smile, and let out the most contagious laugh. I really loved that laugh.

Then as we went to my parents for dinner, it just felt empty. The kids had such a great time, but some of my brothers were missing, and it just wasn't the same. It was, however hilarious to watch the little kids play musical chairs and be introduced to losing for the first time in their lives. (Oh the tears, and the kicking, and the head banging)

On the drive home, I was just so lonely. I knew that I had so much to do tonight, and I had no one to help or to keep me company. I started to let the tears roll, and suddenly I was kneeling in my family room across from John. He was holding both my hands in one of his own, and hugging me with the other. He didn't say anything, he just held me. I knew that he was just as empty without me as I am without him. It's so hard this trial that we have had to endure. Both John and I have had to endure it without the benefit of each others support, though I know that he's always here. One day we will know the reason for this, but until then it just plain stinks.

I like to use the dentists office for a parable for things that are really painful. When I'm in the waiting room at the dentist office, I tell myself, "In one hour from now, you'll be driving home, and you'll be thinking, hey that wasn't that bad." I would like to think that in the near future, I will be able to look back on these dark years and say, Hey that wasn't that bad.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T00:21:00.000-07:00

From our family to yours:

Merry Christmas!!!

Confusion Re-loaded

2010-12-01T22:41:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry it has taken me so long to post. Between Thanksgiving, book reports, sicknesses, and endless meetings, I have finally found a spare second to put some thoughts down.

First off, I want to thank each and every one of you for voting for the

Top Blog award.

I am truly madly deeply humbled by your love and support.

I misunderstood this weeks voting protocol and would like to clear it up.

The Blog Guide Book decided to use a different voting system this week, and that system

allowed for multiple votes

. However they still asked to keep the voting to one vote per person per week. Oops!

I take full responsibility for that one.

I do want to make sure to let everyone know how very thankful that I am for your continued concern in my life and the lives of my family.

I hope to be able to properly pay tribute to all that you have done for us, just by being there.

We have no idea the power that we hold to lift one another, or the share each others burdens.

Most of the time we are lead astray by the thought that a physical service has to be provided in order to be a help. I am here to tell you that that is not the case in any way.

Often, I have been lead through a difficult day by re-reading some comments on this blog.

I have felt of the prayers offered up for us.

I have been buoyed up, just knowing that I have people out there that care for me.

We all have that power within us.

Let's use our strengths for what they were given to us for...

Be a constant light in the darkness.

Ding...Round Two

2010-11-27T15:31:00.001-07:00

Thanks to all of you wonderful people out in cyber world,

I made it to the second round of voting!

(Enter he theme to Rocky)

I would love your vote one more time.

And let's see if we can get more of a showing.

Let your friends and family members know.

Thanks a ton,

Love ya millions

Also, remember the blog is called

The Funny Thing About Grief

#24- Music

2010-11-24T23:05:00.000-07:00

I had originally decided on a totally different #24 today, but I just changed it on a whim. I thought I already talked about my gratitude for music, but I guess I was only silently thankful. Well, I suppose that is all going to change right now.

I have been so impressed with the emotion that is found in music. All my life I have been drawn to melody. Usually, I like said melody to accompany a really great beat, but recently I have re-discovered what a healing tool music can be for me.

There are so many things that music can say or make you feel, that it almost feels like the biggest cosmic cheat there is. When I am completely out of energy, I love that I can turn on a little P!nk, or Black Eyed Peas, or MGMT, or whatever has a great beat right then. I love to be able to turn on beautiful piano music when I need the kids or myself to be calm. AC/DC is great for cleaning the house in a hurry, and the Glee soundtrack is awesome for just building a good mood. So when I need to feel John close to me I reach for, Snowpatrol, The Shins, Muse, Gin Blossoms, Beautiful South, and The Dave Mathews Band. In an instant he is right next to me.

I have been addicted to playing Paul Cardall, and Michael Ethington day and night. Their music brings the safety of the spirit into my home, and re-enforces the trust that Heavenly Father has in me. I don't know why this is true, but I feel at peace, I feel rejuvenated, I feel protected, and I feel warmth when these beautiful chords are resonating through my home.

Tonight, I am thankful for the gift the celestial vibration of music, and it's ability to lift me to a higher plane.

#23- Blizzard Kinda

2010-11-23T22:00:00.000-07:00

Today is the day of the worst blizzard in the past 20 years. The school shut down early. Everyone ran to the hardware store for provisions. We just pretty much hunkered down. I actually looked forward to being snowed in. There were so many past day dreams and secret wishes for a day just like this. The only thing that stands in the way of a dream come true is the fact that John and I aren't in a mountain cabin surrounded by candlelight and sparkling cider and a bubble bath. I guess the kiddos, spongebob and chocolate chip cookies will have to do.

I am so thankful for the alone time that I get to spend with my kids. The older they get, the less time it seems that we have together. I really miss those days of having them all to myself. No friends calling, no practices to get to, no last minute homework projects to finish. I often joke about wanting everything to go back to "Little House on the Prairie" times, but I think that that life would be great. So for just a brief moment, I am thankful for the storm that lets me pretend to be in a little cottage on a big farm living the simple life.

*The storm is causing a few problems with the computer. I will add pix later

# 22-infinity: Abundance

2010-11-22T22:59:00.002-07:00

Today, I have so much to be thankful for that I just don't know where to start. Considering that this month is coming to a quick end, I'm packing in a whole bunch of thankfuls.

My dear sweet brother-in-law Dave, for always remembering to put my garbage out when I forget. (extra gifts for your stocking this year)
For those who serve without looking for acknowledgment. My driveway has been scrapped twice in two days without any pomp or circumstance. (Thanks Dave and Shawn)
For my wonderful Aunt who helps me get my stubborn brain back on track.
For the Internet. Boy you really miss it when it's gone.
For my dear friends who always make me smile, and who don't just laugh at me, but with me.
For car dealerships that come to your house to switch you vehicles to fix yours up.
For gingerbread herbal tea.
For essential oils.
For my amazing kiddos.
For laughter.
For the Weather report.
For treat bags discovered at 10:30pm. Dang, that sneaks up on you sometimes. Oh well, I love going to the store at 7am in my ho-jays.
For changing my perspective.
For DVR.
For cell phones and the ability it gives me to get more done in the day.
For listening to the kids enjoy playing the piano.

This list could go on for days and days, but this is a representation of today. I am grateful for all of you who visit this blog and who make me feel worth while.

#20 & 21- Snow, and Quiet Winter Nights

2010-11-21T23:09:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up to about 8" of fluffy beautiful powdery snow covering this lovely valley in which I live. There is nothing like the romance of a new snow fall. The sheer beauty of the soft falling flakes would make Robert Frost weep. For some reason, I always sleep so soundly during a snow storm. I think it's natures own sound proofing that makes it so peaceful.

We were late for church this morning due in part to the extreme temper tantrum thrown by our very own diva Averie. Apparently, it is a matter for the Civil Liberties Union to step in when the tights that you are forced to wear are just a tad itchy. So, while I dealt with the sweet princess, my boys quietly sneaked out the door. When I finally decided that I was going to have to leave Ave home, I went to find the boys to tell them that they were on babysitting detail. Guess what those little guys were up to. They were in their church clothes, coats, and gloves ...shoveling the snow!

What sweet little men. I didn't ask them to do it, they just knew that it needed to be done. It wasn't easy either, but they worked their little tails off. I am so proud to be their mom. I am proud that in spite of me, they are turning out pretty great. I am grateful that I have them in my life, especially now when I need them so very much.

Today, I was holding Averie, who turned out to be sick (She always hides the fact that she is sick, because she doesn't want to miss out on any fun), and I suddenly was hit with the most profound sadness. These kids are amazing, and John is missing it. I wanted to call him and tell him about his boys. I knew that he would just be proud beyond words. I wanted him to be able to hold his sweet princess and cuddle her when she didn't feel well. I know that he still is a part of our lives, but it's not the same. He's not here. The kids are missing out on him, and he is missing out on them.

As sad as that is, I am still impressed that he has such an influence on our lives. There aren't many things that we do that don't usually come from something that we have learned from John or because of John. I am grateful for all of it, even thought it can be pretty difficult at times. So on this lonely, quiet, snowy night, I'm grateful for every heartache and pain, because I am remembering every joy, love, kindness, laughter, kiss, and togetherness that we have ever shared and that we will share again.

Friendly Neighbourhood Reminder to Vote!

Hit this link, or the one over here ---------------------->

under NOMINATIONS

go to the right of the page and the thumbnail says...

The Funny Thing About Grief

*you can vote once per round

Thanks,

I sure love ya!

Please, Please. Please, Vote for me!!!

2010-11-20T08:36:00.003-07:00

Friends today is the day that voting starts for the Blog Guide Book.

You can find the link on my sidebar--------------------->

under NOMINATIONS.

You can vote once this week. Voting ends Friday. The lowest votes goes home.

The thumbnail says "The funny thing about grief"

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

#19- Sunglasses

2010-11-19T22:51:00.000-07:00

There are so many ways to this girls heart, and sunglasses is one of them. Not really, but I do love a good pair of "goggles". This morning my brother Danny and I went to the annual Smith Optic warehouse sale. This is the third year that we have gone, and it's a bit like a sport. There is stiff competition with all the pushing, and cramming, and grabbing, and shoving. There is quite a bit of planning and coaching involved in the whole process as well. In the end, EBay is flooded with sweet glasses at rock bottom prices.

As we stood in an endless line this morning, I was thinking about how much I love being with my brothers. There is only seven years between the five of us, so naturally we are very close. As adults we have become even closer. I love to be able to joke around with them. I love that they still invite the kids to do stuff with them. Danny especially has always liked to take the kids places with him, even when John was still here. Mitch scaled my crazy steep roof to put up Christmas lights. Mike built shelves in my garage. Spence skipped meetings to sit with me when I couldn't take to sadness any longer. These are just a sample of the things that my sweet brothers have done for me just over the last two years. It is humbling to hear them talk about John with such love and respect. I am so grateful that they all got along so well. I am better for having been raised with such extraordinary men.

Tonight, and every night, I am thankful for sunglasses...and my brothers.

#18 - Writing

2010-11-18T23:20:00.000-07:00

Today, I am thankful for writing, and I'll tell you why. When speaking directly there is no gap response time. You know what "gap response time" is right? That's the time it takes to come up with a super witty come back, erase and re-write said come back to really sting. Real life doesn't work that way. My brain is not slow, and I think that's the problem. There are so many things swirling around in there fighting to come out that there is a bottle neck created somewhere between my firing neurons and my speech pathways. The result is a dumbfounded look on my face, drool spilling out the left side of my mouth, and an incoherent "duh huh?"

My friends, this is why I love to write. I sound so much cooler when I can think about what I need to say for a second. If only my brain came with a backspace button.

Here is a quote that I loved from Mark Twain (Who I love),

The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the

difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

I have always loved to write. I have always loved the escape that it brings. Just recently I have learned of the healing outlet that writing can also be. We have been told our whole lives to keep a journal. I never wanted to, because I couldn't imagine someone being interested in what I do in a day. However, now I see the importance of writing your feelings down. I feel like it is a principle of faith. When we write down our life experiences we now have a record to refer back to that will show us strength when we need it, or remind us of blessings or lessons learned. I have so cherished my personal journals, even though they only started a few years ago. So many times I have re-read passages that have helped me more now than they did then. What an amazing principle. I sure wish I would have done it a lot sooner.

#17- PIE!!!

2010-11-17T23:53:00.001-07:00


Clockwise from top left. Micaela, Leslie, Lills, and Jamie

Tonight the ladies and I had the great idea of getting together to "pre-make" our Thanksgiving pies. Truly, the only reason we did it was so that we could laugh, talk, gossip, and eat delicious pie together.

Our pie making conquests are legendary (this was the first annual pie-off, so you know, we could make records like crazy) I believe that we each made at least 4 pies. Micaela may have made more, that woman is an animal! So math whizzes, do the numbers...at least 16 pies. We made apple, cherry, blackberry, peach, chocolate cream, chocolate brownie, and pumpkin. Now this may sound like a feat of biblical proportions, but just wait...we did it all with 14 kids running around. I know, I know, I'll will now stand for applause.

So tonight, I am thankful for what pie gave to me. It gave me friendship, love, laughter, and an expanding waistline. What else can a girl ask for?

#16- New Baby Smell

2010-11-16T23:11:00.000-07:00

Today was an amazing day. I got to go snuggle a brand new little baby boy. My sweet nephew was born today, just three weeks early and boy is he a looker. He is the first baby born since John died, and the first boy born for quite a while. His parents named him...wait for it...Riley John Carver. Brings tears to my eyes.

As I was holding this precious little spirit, I couldn't help but imagine John giving him some words of encouragement, and a great send off. I had quite a spiritual experience holding that little guy. I am thankful for the opportunity to be witness to the gift of life, and to feel heaven so close.

#15- Averielicious

2010-11-16T00:24:00.000-07:00

You guessed it. Today I am grateful for my ray of sunshine...Averie. You may have heard this before, but this is my very best description of Averie. She is the sunshine, crammed into a tiny little body. This little girl is the most fun, wildest, craziest, most hilarious little princess you could ever meet. She has set a Guinness world record for speed charming. I don't think there is a person alive or dead that Averie couldn't wrap around her little finger in 60 seconds or less.

I grew up an only girl with four brothers. It was very lonely for me most of the time. I love my brothers dearly, but I really missed out on that special connection that sisters get to have together. When my first child was a boy, I wasn't surprised because I just thought that babies were boys. Then when my second child was another boy, I was still okay with it because I was excited for Ethan to have a brother. I actually thought that because of my all brother upbringing that I would be a perfect mom of all boys. When that doctor told us that our next baby was a girl, I didn't believe it. It took three more ultrasounds for me to be convinced. I realized that I wanted a girl so bad that I had tried to prepare myself for the opposite so that I wouldn't be disappointed. I was absolutely elated that we were having a girl, but what surprised me was the fact that John was ecstatic. He never voiced a preference one way or the other, but that little girl was the apple of her daddy's eye.

I can hear Averie's little voice now saying, "Daddy, Daddy, watch me.", and then her sweet dad saying in his cute little voice that is reserved only for his princess, "What babies? That is so awesome!" Those two were inseparable. She was on his lap, his shoulders, holding his hand or just right next to him whenever he was around. At the funeral, she didn't understand what was going on. She heard people say that her daddy was in the casket, and at first she thought it was just silly. As the day went on she kept asking when we can get her daddy out of the box. Then as the days went on she would not just cry, but scream "Somebody save my daddy from the box." She screamed and cried like that for about two months. We could drive past road construction, and she thought that her dad was under the pavement and she would get upset. To this day, she has to look at a picture of her dad holding her before she can go to school, or go to bed.

Though all of that is as heartbreaking as it is, our little princess has been such a wonderful blessing to me. She is the one that can make us laugh when we are all upset. She is the one that brings the light into the room. She is the reason that I push myself as hard as I do. She has taught me that even though there is pain and sadness, there is also joy and happiness. She is just happy to be alive. Life with Averie is always an adventure, and I love that about her. Mama loves her Averie. (She loves to pinch my cheeks and say, "Averie loves her mama")

#14- My Ashton Boy

2010-11-14T23:23:00.000-07:00

When Ashton was born, I felt like I could run a marathon, hike Everest, and swim the English Channel all at the same time. You see, I was on bed rest from the time that I was 26 weeks along with my little guy. He was just impatient, and really wanted to be born already. So after lots of medicine, many blessings, and way too much laying around (all while having pretty severe contractions), Ashton was finally born only three weeks early. I was so proud to be able to hang on to him for so long, but boy when he had enough, he had enough.

We had just been into the hospital the night before, but they sent us home because the contractions weren't consistent. I was so disappointed. I was sick of being in pain. I was sick of having to lay around. I was just plain sick of being pregnant. So when they sent us home, I was ticked. Then the next day, all my contractions stopped completely. I was perplexed.

John tried to make me feel better by saying that it was better for the baby to stay right where he was, and I agreed, but after all I had gone through, I was just drained. Around 10:30 we went to bed, and I kid you not when I tell you that not five minutes later I was hit with major contractions. I was exhausted, and the last thing I wanted to do was to go back to the hospital just to be turned away. I stayed in bed for a while and timed the contractions. Five minutes apart. I remembered the nurses saying that a bath would stop the pains if it was false labor. I drew myself a bath, and after a few minutes, I realized that the contractions weren't going to stop.

By this time it was 1:30, and my contractions were about three minutes apart. I woke John up, and in his very calm way he rushed to get ready while talking to me in very slow hushed tones, like I was rabid and about to attack. I sat quietly on the bed and watched him grab the things that he needed, and the things Ethan needed because we had to drop him off at John's parents house. We got in the car, and drove to Carter's. John jumped out, carried sleeping little Ethan in, and brought LuDene out with him.

As we began to drive down to the hospital, John was on the phone with my mom. While explaining to her the situation, he realized that he didn't have shoes on. He turned to ask me if it was okay if he went back for shoes. I was white knuckling the door handle at the time, in the throws of a pretty painful contraction. I said go for it, but giggled that while he looked so calm and collected, he left the house without shoes.

Long story short, Ashton was born not too long after we got to the hospital. He didn't come out crying like most kids, in fact we had to really try to get him crying. He was beautiful, healthy, happy, and perfect. He looked a lot like his older brother with a head full of black hair. From the minute they laid him in my arms, that little guy just cuddled so close to me. He has always been the most cuddly, lovable little guy there ever was.

All of Ashton's cousins consider him their best bud (a trait he gets from his daddy). All of Ashton's friends look to him as their leader. I look to him for peace (most of the time), and kindness. Averie can hardly function without her Ashy, and Ethan considers him not his little brother, but his best friend.

I am grateful for such a sweet little spirit in our home. He has so many of his dad's characteristics, and wonderful qualities. I have spent many nights watching him sleep, and wondering if he will still look like his dad the older he gets. I have often thought that as long as Ashton is around, so is John. It's funny, we named Ethan after John's father. I suggested John's name for Ethan, but John refused. When we found out we were having another boy, John wanted to name him Ashton. I agreed as long as his middle name could be John. Irony surely is something. Ashton truly is a little John, for which I am immensely grateful.

#13- My Sweet Ethan

2010-11-14T00:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I had the opportunity to go out with a group of girl friends that I haven't ever gone out with. They are the wives of some of John's friends. I was so excited to go, and not to mention that I really needed a night out. I was trying to decide what to do with the kids and Ethan said that he would like to tend. I have let him watch the little kids a number of times before, but I didn't want to over burden him. He said that he would like to help me out, so I told him that I would love the help, but that I would pay him for it tonight. He was thrilled, and I was saved from having to figure out other plans.

Usually, I get a number of calls from crying kids when I'm gone, but tonight they didn't call once. I expected to see the in-laws car in the driveway when I got home, but nope they weren't there. I went inside expecting a huge mess, but again I was wrong. I thought for a minute that they must be over at their grandparents sound asleep. So I walked up the stairs and lo and behold...everyone tucked snug in their beds and fast asleep.

Wow! Have you ever met an eleven year old boy that is that responsible? I don't know what I did to deserve that kid, but man am I glad that I got him. He is truly an angel.

Just after John and I got married, I had a strong, and I mean strong impression that it was time to have a baby. We had only been married a few months, and the plan was to wait three years. John was upset, he felt like I didn't want to spend time with him. He loved married life, and wanted to be able to spend a little more time together just the two of us before we brought children into our family. I loved him so much, and loved every second that we got to spend together, but this feeling that I was having was way more than just baby hungry.

We talked over and over about the subject. I would cry, because I felt like we weren't obeying a very strong prompting from the Lord. He would laugh and say, "Lisa, Saturdays Warrior is NOT gospel." I would laugh too, but deep down I felt so guilty.

I remember one night we were deep in discussion and he told me, "If Heavenly Father wanted us to have a baby right now, there wouldn't be anything that could stop that from happening." Famous last words, because we found out that we were expecting Ethan that month. Just a week shy of our first anniversary.

My little Ethan has from way before day one carried an extremely strong spirit. Anyone that meets the kid is well beyond impressed. I'm not just bragging, it's true 100%.

I remember driving home one night, the kids were asleep in the back seat, and I asked John if he was happy, and if he would have done anything differently. He said to me that he loved his life and his family, but he wished that Ethan would have waited a couple of years to come to us. Then, just before he died he said, "Remember that conversation that we had that night? I take it back, Ethan made us who we are. Without him coming when he did, we wouldn't be the strong family that we are today."

Thank you Ethan for the amazing young man that you are. I am in awe of your strength and compassion. You are so perfect that I worry sometimes that you may be translated before my eyes. I am honored to be you mother, but even more honored to be witness to your greatness. I love you bud.

#12- A Good Cry

2010-11-12T23:41:00.001-07:00

Tonight, I am thankful for a good cry. It may sound silly to be thankful for such a thing, but I tend to stuff my emotions way down deep, so it takes some effort. Usually that effort comes in the form of a movie, or a song. Tonight, I watched Charlie St. Cloud, and cried like a kid grounded from their cell phone. I'm not kidding, I was hyperventilating and everything. It's not too often that movies can get grief right, but this one did a pretty good job.

The story is about a boy and his little brother. They were in a car wreck and the little brother dies. The older bother refuses to move on, and so he misses out on his life because he is holding so tightly to the past.

To say that it hit close to home would be a massive understatement. I can't tell you how many times I can feel that I have an almost choke hold on John. I feel like he can't move on as long as I am holding on so tight, and yet I can't let him go. I know that I wont forget him, and the he wont forget me, but it's just really hard to face. There are days that I can let him go a bit, but there are days that I need him close by. I don't really know that there is a right way or a wrong way to deal with loss. The only thing that I can do is keep on living.

So tonight I am thankful for that movie because it really made me re-evaluate my current thought patters and really think about how I want to heal.

#11- Transportation, Just Dance, Photo Albums, and Blogging

2010-11-11T23:22:00.000-07:00

I have found that having this blog to answer to everynight

has made me ultra aware of my everyday life.

I spend my free time (time I didn't know I had) thinking about what I can write about,

which in turn makes me notice every blessing that comes my way.

Today, I'm thankful for...

Transportation- instead of complaining about all of the thousands of errands that I am forced to make on my own, I realized that I am thankful for the ability to get to all of the desinations that I am required to be to everyday.

Just Dance - I don't know if any of you have this game, but I am willing to wager that all forms of depression could be cured with this simple game. Nothing is better than dancing you guts out in a room full of surprised on lookers.

Photo Albums - I am thankful for the ability to keep such precious memories. I have found that through all the trama of the past couple of years, I have forgotten pieces of it. Through pictures I can better remember those important times.

Blogging - I am thankful to have an outlet for emotion. It's difficult for me to really properly express emotion, so I appreciate the ability to write. Somehow it clears things up in my mind so that I can process my feelings better.

#10- My Daddy

2010-11-10T23:10:00.000-07:00

Today I barged into my dad's office an practically took him hostage to come purchase a car with me. He of course went willingly, but it did take most of the day to work out all of the details. I took him, because to call him a car guy is like calling superman just a reporter. It is a huge understatement. I knew that if I took him, he would know all the ways to get the price I wanted, and all of the little traps that I wanted to avoid. It all started out pretty good until we walked inside. On display right inside the front doors was a '67 Chevy Camaro, fully restored, and fully sweet (I could put another describing word that may have a song attached, but I'll refrain). I'm telling you, we both stopped in our tracks. I turned to him and said, "I think we need to re-evaluate our options."

Even though I didn't drive home in this beauty, I sure have a nice ride. I am thankful that I have a dad who has always been there for me. I am grateful for the lessons that he has taught me. It is by watching him that I have learned that a positive attitude will get you through really tough situation. It is because of that attitude that I am as far along as I am today. I am so truly grateful that he is here to influence my children for the better. He and John had a wonderful friendship and my dad understood how John wanted his children to be raised, and my dad has repeatedly gone out of his way to help those kids. I know that DNA makes up part of who we are, and our surroundings and experiences make up the rest. I am grateful to have been blessed with both courageous DNA, but to also be surrounded by intelligent, faithful, strong, loving, kind, and righteous parents who have done their best to raise a wonderful family. It is because of their protective and nutritive surroundings that I was able to face my own life experiences and be able to come away from those experiences a better person.

#9- A Hopeful Future

2010-11-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

In the last few days I have realized that I have been excited for the future. Not only that, I have been planning for the future. This is big news in my little world. It's been a really long time since I have felt this way, however I will admit I'm still not 100%.

I have had several people ask me how I was considering our anniversary had just past. When I really thought about the answer to that question, I realized that I am actually feeling so much better than I was last year, even better than I was two weeks ago. What's the change you ask? D R E A M B O A R D!

What's a dream board? Well I'll tell you. It's basically a poster board with cut outs of all the future goals that you have in mind for yourself. I was first asked to make one of these in my zoning class earlier this year. The instructor explained that if you visualize your future, you will attain it. At the time, I wasn't ready for it, and I actually left class because I was so upset. That's how difficult it was for me to visualize the future.

The other night, I realized that (as I have previously posted) lists work. It is an act of faith to write down the righteous desires of your heart. With that in mind I put a list together of my future, and I was very specific. This is an actual law of nature, called the Law of Attraction. You have to be specific, because it is true that you have to be careful what you wish for (That's a story for another time).

I am so grateful for the ability that I have to dream of the future again. I know that my life will be great again. I'm grateful to know that I am loved, and that my Father in Heaven doesn't want me to be sad and alone. He wants what every parent wants for their child. He wants me to have a happy, productive life, and share it with others.

#8- The Crackling Fireplace

2010-11-09T07:29:00.000-07:00

We recently finished our basement, where we installed a wood burning fireplace. Because yesterday was such a cold yucky day, Ethan decided that it was the perfect time to try it out. Fortunately, my kind bro in-law Dave came over to help us figure it out. You may not think it was rocket science, but you would be surprised.

It was fun to see the boys so enthralled with watching the fire, their inner caveman came right out. I swear that their voices went a little deeper, and they let a few "Tim the tool man Taylor" grunts out. Men and women truly are different from the get go.

It is great to know that there is an alternate source of heat in our home, and it is even nicer to know that we are surrounded by kind, loving family members that are always there willing to lend a helping hand. Thanks Dave.

#7- Anniversaries

2010-11-07T21:38:00.000-07:00

This exact day 13 years ago, I was sealed for time and all eternity to my love and my best friend. I really prepared myself for a pretty tough day, but somehow my attitude changed from sorrow to gratitude. I admit that my emotions are still very close to the surface today, but the day turned out to be a nice day for me to reflect on my married life and to look forward to the future. I truly consider this to be a miracle. I never thought that I would get to this point, where I can think very fondly on my sweet husband, but the sting is no longer there. The heartache and loneliness are still present, and I'm sure they always will be, but I can see a future now.

Everyday we are faced with new experiences, and new decisions to make, and new people to meet. Everyday that we wake up and eagerly greet the day, we have opportunity upon opportunity placed in our path. I am grateful for all of the people I crossed paths with today that made a difference in my tomorrow. Thank you for the testimonies that were shared. Thank you for the songs that were sung. Thank you for the love that was expressed. Thank you for the prayers that were offered. I love you more than you know.

#6- Grief, Health, and Healing

2010-11-06T23:22:00.000-06:00

Today was a pretty big, and emotional day for me. I had to leave sick kids early this morning to attend an all day class. Then, I had a meeting in Salt Lake right after that. By the time it was all said and done, I got to see the kiddo's for a few minutes before they headed off to dreamland. So, for that reason, I apologize before hand for the jumbled thoughts.

I was talking to my sweet mother tonight, and we talked about my next "grateful" post. She started giving me a list that kept growing and growing, and so as I stated in the beginning of this list...there is never enough space or time to record the things for which I am grateful.

I want to keep it to just a few so I can expound upon my thoughts, so for that reason I chose, Grief, Health, and Healing.

Why am I thankful for grief??? Well I am thankful because it has been a very profound teacher. There have been lessons and principles that I have learned rather well, that could have never been comprehended by any other means. I am grateful that I have grief to experience, because it means that I loved very deeply. I'm grateful for sadness and loneliness, because it means that I had an amazing friend and partner. We have to praise our Father in Heaven for giving us opportunities to learn eternal principles, which I have learned so many of.

I am thankful for my health and the health of my children. There is so much sickness and disease in the world, to which none of us are immune. For today, even in sickness (especially in sickness) I am grateful for health. I just heard some very upsetting news about a beloved family member who is beginning the battle with cancer. The news is sickening, and shocking, and just plain sad, but there is a silver lining. God loves everyone of us, and wants to give us everything he can. Through trials like this one, my sweet family member as well as extended family have the opportunity to come together and learn sacred lessons. Faith always proceeds the miracle, and I believe in miracles.

Healing is something that will always impress me. Whether it's through a life saving surgery, a wonderful medicine, a priesthood blessing, a natural remedy, fasting or prayer. I am always blown away by those who are in authority, and who have spent the time and energy and faith on behalf of the ailing person. I know that in every case, Christ was there, and it was through him that the sick are made well. I love, and am very grateful for the ability to learn of many of the techniques that can help those who are injured or not well. I will always be researching a new technique, or taking a new class or teaching a subject. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for this very humbling opportunity to be a tool in thy hands.

#5- Disinfectant

2010-11-05T21:56:00.000-06:00

Oh boy am I grateful for Clorox, Lysol, Essential Oils, and good 'ole soap. It has been a full two weeks of sickness over at the Carter farm. We have had every strain of bug known to man. Up next...Avian flu. (I hope that is a joke)

I am a true believer in natural healing. I am a foot zoner by trade, and so I have studied many areas of natural medicine. Through my journey I discovered essential oils. They are amazing. Last year the kids got the swine flu. I treated them with essential oils and zoned them, and they were only sick for three days, and had no nasty side effects from prescriptions. Now, I do very much believe in modern medicine, it has it's place. If we could combine both practices we would have an amazing health care system.

If you want more info on Essential Oils, try this link.(my favorite brand), link, link

*Sorry for the "business-like" feeling of this post. You got to go with what you know, right?

#4- Laughter is the Best Medicine

2010-11-04T21:32:00.001-06:00

My dad always said that laughter was the best medicine.

Which is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

-Jack Handy


My favorite emotion.

I remember the first time that I laughed after John died.

I stopped mid cackle, because I thought I was breaking a very serious law.

It was really quick that I realized that the only way I was going to make it,

was through a lot of (self deprecating) laughter.

In the first few months, I couldn't watch T.V.

I couldn't listen to music at all.

I read a lot, but they were all books on grief (not super uplifting).

So, in order to hold on to my sanity I watched the only thing that kept me afloat...

Elf(click here)

That's right.

Me and Buddy the Elf have the same favorite color.

We both love the four basic food groups

Candy

Candy Canes

Candy Corns and

Syrup

I think I watched that movie 37 time is a few weeks.

It was the only thing that made me feel human, and that was because I was laughing.

For those who sit at home and wallow in their grief or circumstance I say...

STOP IT(click here)

#3-Friendly Friends

2010-11-03T22:22:00.001-06:00

Today I am thankful for great friends. How would I have ever made it this far without the wonderful support system that I have. I am grateful for good examples of patience, kindness, service, motherhood, and humor in my life.

I grew up a very shy, introverted child. I was literally afraid of everyone. I had a hard time making friends, and so the ones that I ended up with weren't necessarily the best of the best. Now there were a few choice gals that are still my friends today, but it wasn't until I started working and was forced out of my shell that I really made some great friends.

When I met my handsome husband, I unintentionally put most of my friends on the back burner. It wasn't that I didn't like them, but my husband quickly became my best friend, and I didn't feel like I needed or had time for anyone else. In the last few years of our marriage, we both realized the importance of wonderful friends. We actually morned the loss of friendships that we had let go by the wayside. Those last few years, we worked on reviving and making new friendships whenever possible.

I was fortunate enough to be introduced to one of my dearest friends through our then first grader sons. It was the first time in my adult life that I had someone other than John and my sweet mother to talk to, and I valued that friendship so much. John even commented several times that he was grateful that I had such a wonderful friend. He too made some amazing friends, of course that was always easy for him. He was constantly doing the handshake/hug in the grocery store, or at the gas station. I swear he knew everyone.

Then suddenly I realized that I was surrounded by a group of amazing women, who were both friends and teachers to me. I kid you not when I say I was surrounded. The day that John died, a group of about 10 gals were at my house, cleaning, doing laundry, washing windows, stocking cupboards, and just comforting me. In the weeks and months to come, they didn't stop. They harvested my garden, and canned for me. They picked up homework, and even sat with the boys to catch them up. They cooked. They bought nice things. They cried, and hugged and prayed. I am being truly honest when I say, "I couldn't have survived this without them."

Thank you to my sweet friends, both old and new. I know that we were meant to be a part of each others lives, and I am sure grateful that you are a part of mine.

Gratitude is Lattitude

2010-11-02T23:23:00.000-06:00

With it being the month of Thanksgiving, I found it to be fitting to A. rip off your friends ideas, and B. try to properly express those things that I am the most grateful for. My goal here is to use a post a day to express my gratitude. There will never be enough days in November, or enough Novembers to properly express my immense gratitude, but I'm going to give it a shot anyway.

I was supposed to start this yesterday, so I will use this post to make up for yesterday as well.

*1. I am so very grateful for the tremendous opportunity that I was given of being a Mother. All I ever wanted in the world was to be a wife and a mother. I can't tell you how often I have had to pinch myself. My two biggest dreams came true. Now, I'm not saying that it's been a cake walk, my kids will attest to that, but it's been wonderful. The good, the bad, and the ugliness of motherhood is beyond description.

Just tonight, I put the kids to bed, and within minutes I hear the familiar gagging sound that I have come to associate with my beautiful daughter. The kid has a bowl next to her be at all times, because she believes that whenever you cough, you must also empty your entire stomach contents. Well problem is, the bowl is of no use, because she insists on getting out of bed and trailing throw up from her bed to the bathroom. UGHHH! This little incident may be classified as an ugly, but as I was cleaning up the mess, I realized how I wouldn't trade this job for the world. When a tiny voice says, "I'm sorry mom, I sure love ya." Man, it makes everything worth it.

This is the scene that I usually find when I check on the kiddos.

*2. Marriage
Through the years I have met so many people. I have always been impressed by individual strengths, and inane talents and abilities. For so many years I thought that I was totally skipped in the whole "talent" category. It took many years to figure out those things that I am really good at. The reason it took me so long was because my particular gifts are not the usual run of the mill "talent show" talents. One of these talents is that of wife.

I know, I know, how is that a talent? Well I will tell you how. I L-O-V-E-D being married. I lived to serve my husband. I loved to see him smile. I loved to hear about his day. I loved that he called me on his way home from work and we would talk until he got home, knowing that he would be swarmed with kids as soon as he walked in the door. I loved being able to cook for him, and hear him brag to all his friends and co-workers about how spoiled he was. I loved that he was always there for me, and I loved to be there for him.

Marriage is the ultimate team sport, and boy were we competitive. We could have given pretty much everyone a run for their money. Now you may be saying to yourself, Hey I'm the same way. Well my friend, then you too have this gift. Hold it dear. Cultivate it. Work on it always. It is truly a blessing to be able to have someone in your corner at all times, whether that someone is here or gone.

Happy Halloween

2010-10-30T22:23:00.001-06:00

Well, we did it. Another holiday down. As obscure as Halloween is, I love it! It is the only time in your life that you get to pretend to be someone that you aren't (Within reason of course). The kids and I carved pumpkins, and roasted pumpkin seeds. I was crazy tired and had been dealing with a sick little Averie, so I told the kids that if they wanted to carve pumpkins, that they had to actually do the work themselves. You see in past years, I clean out a pile of pumpkins, and then within minutes they have lost interest and I am left to carve four pumpkins by myself. I usually end up spending the midnight hours cursing like a sailor (in my mind of course, and usually made-up words, but still) and sawing away at the stupid pumpkins.

So, I cut off the tops, and let them go to it. Even Averie did her own pumpkin! Holy cow, I have babied them all these years. Those little suckers played me. They even separated the seeds from the pulp so that we could have some delicious roasted pumpkin seeds.

I wish I would have had a recorder going through all of this, because it was quite funny. Averie kept saying, "This is hopeless!" Where does she even get stuff like that. Ashton, I pretty sure was saying some words that he knew his mama didn't want him saying, but somehow he got away with it. And Ethan, just quietly went to work. It was a great night.

We ended up at my Bro and Sister-in-laws for dinner before trick-or-treating, and guess who was the only adult dressed up??? You got it. Seriously. What's with you grown-ups? You too good for acting like a kid? Well, you really missed out!

Here are some pics from our great adventures.

Ethan hard at work. Ashton showing us who's boss. Averie, proud as can be. Me, all concentration.

Just before the lighting ceremony. You can cast your vote now.


Top l. Ethan as the Reaper, Ashton as Ironman, Bottom l. Averie as stuff she found in the dress-up box, and Ethan sans mask.

Who am I you ask? Well, I have no idea. I just grabbed some stuff and put it on.


Didn't they do such a great job? (top l. Me, Ave, bottom l. Ethan, Ash)

Memory Blitz

2010-10-29T00:33:00.000-06:00

B.C. or before children, I had an amazing memory. In fact, the memory from those days is still intact. I just seems that the brain power has been brought down a few notches with each pregnancy. Then with the loss of John...well let's just say that I'm no longer a threat to the debate club dweebs. Anyway, there have been so many memories that will come up, and I really have to think hard to figure out if John was there or not. It's a pretty strange sensation actually.

The other day, one of these memories surfaced. It was a memory of having to put dilating eye drops into one of Averies' eyes. In my minds eye, I can clearly see John holding her while I administer the drops. She really hated those drops. They were painful, and they made it hard for her to see, so she always threw a fit when it was time for the drops. This scenario is a perfect example of how our marriage worked. One of us would hold the squirming child, while the other would work the magic of whatever treatment needed to be performed. The only problem with this particular memory is that it took place just a few months ago.

I sat back and thought to myself, "Wow, you're really losing it sister!" I realized that this wasn't a one time memory blip, but that there were several occasions that I could recall in which John was right there with us, only he couldn't have been. In fact, one of the times was up at the Alpine slides in Park City. I can clearly see him laughing with my brothers, while holding Averie's hand and calling to the boys. I swear to you that the memory is very vivid and very real, however, this outing took place before we even got his body home from Guatemala. It was a really somber occasion for all of us. We were still in shock, and just trying our hardest to run from the pain and reality of the situation. But in my memory, he was there with us. Handsome as ever.

I guess the thing that became glaringly obvious was the fact that he was there. He has always been here. I have always been able to feel him, but maybe I thought that I was pretending a bit. Funny how I can do that to myself. I can know something for sure, and still think that I made it up. I am so grateful for this little realization. I am so thankful for my sweet memories, and I am especially grateful for the knowledge that those sweet memories can continue to grow.

Hope

2010-10-24T23:31:00.001-06:00

It's still a strangely sad feeling to me to have the kids tucked in their beds and not have a soul to talk to. The last few nights have been especially hard, I think because I've had some down time to really think about it. I have intentionally kept myself overly busy just so that when I finally stopped for the night, I would be exhausted enough to sleep right away. The recent problem has been not just down time, but dreams. I swear I can't catch a break.

I finally made myself attend a singles activity. I h.a.t.e. those things, but I figured that I couldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself if I didn't at least put forth some effort. So, a great friend of mine accompanied me to a costume party of all things. My friend Leslie, who lost her husband about a year before I did, wasn't way thrilled about the "singles" scene either, but we gave it a go. When we first got there, it was just uncomfortable. I felt like a seventh grader at my first stomp. We walked around for a bit, and then we were going to duck out. It occurred to me that first of all, no one knew me, and second, I wanted to unwind and have some fun. So, I dragged Leslie out onto the dance floor, and we had a blast. I laughed until it hurt. We talked to a few people, but no love connections were made. Leslie kept saying, "I can't imagine that I would be meeting my future husband at some singles dance." I will say this, I can't even picture John being at anything even remotely like this costume party. Oh well, it was fun.

The singles life is so much harder than I thought it would be, and I thought it would be really hard. Dating is one thing when there is just you to worry about, but when you have a precious little family at home, boy it's really difficult. I find that I don't want to deal with any cute quirks, or silliness. I have really had to sit down and think about what we need for our family to not only survive, but to thrive. My list has really evolved and changed. I'm not looking for someone with tons of money, or someone who drives a really cool car. I'm not looking for someone who is really cool, and has lots of admirers. I'm looking for someone who knows who he is. I'm looking for someone who has respect for hard work, and who isn't afraid to roll up his sleeves and get down to business. I'm looking for someone who upholds his priesthood and hold it dear. I'm looking for someone who will love my kids like his own, and who wants the same things for them that John wants for them. I'm looking for someone who will hold me and make me feel safe again. Someone whom I will want to fight for every single day, who I can give my heart to. Someone who is kind, and loving, and who will know that even though there are going to be tough times ahead, that all the sacrifice and hard work will all be worth it.

Some people say that I'm way to picky, and maybe to judgemental. I say, you can never be too picky or too judgemental. Fifteen years ago, I carried around a list very similar to this one. My brothers, and my friends teased me that I would never find anyone to fit that description. I'm here to tell you that I did. He was perfect for me, and unfortunately we weren't meant to be together for very long here on this earth. I know that he is working his magic, trying to find the best candidate to help take care of his little family. I sure wish things didn't have to be this way, but that doesn't change the fact that they are this way. All I know is that there was a very important reason why these things happened to us, and it isn't for me to understand right now.

Even though the loneliness is very profound, I know that I'm not alone. It's not the same, and it doesn't erase the pain, but it does give me hope, and isn't that what it's all about?

Corn Maze

2010-10-15T12:14:00.000-06:00

Last weekend, my friend Jamie and I took our kiddos to a fun little corn maze/fun center. It was so great to get out into the fresh fall air and run and laugh and play. Wow, it really does a body good.

Here's my sweet little toothless Ashton cheesing it up.

Averie and Lucy...forever best friends

Gotcha! (it's always a good day when I can spring a pic on an unsuspecting Jamie)

Sweet little gals

Ashton, Scarlett, and Sarah

Ashton was getting a little worries that we would never find our way out.

Ethan and Noah took off like a shot, map in hand and ready to conquer the big maze on their own.

Awe! So cute.

Lo, and behold, they made it back alive.

I need to remember this contraption next time I have extra bails of straw.

Look at the face on the little one. (Averie, not Jamie. Ha!)

Stake Conference

2010-09-26T22:50:00.004-06:00

I was asked to speak in Stake Conference last week. It really was a great experience for me. I was able to put a lot of prayer and pondering and scripture study into the preparation for the meeting, and the payoff was amazing. The talks were beautiful, the music was mesmerizing, and the spirit there was matchless.

I have been so humbled by those who have gone out of their way to give me such wonderful feed back about my talk. I thank each and every one of you. It is wonderful to live here with you, and partake of your beautiful spirits. So many have asked for a copy of the talk, you here you go.

It is truly a blessing for me to be here with you this beautiful Sabbath
morning. I usually sit clear in the back on a hard and squeaky chair, but
I got the royal treatment today and have a very soft quiet chair. That
is just one of the many perks that come with being asked to speak in
Stake Conference.

This last week one of my dear friends passed away. He was actually
the one who set my husband and me up. His passing has been very
trying for me and my family, and yet a blessing as well. I spent a lot of
time contemplating the various trials and adversities that come into
our lives and how different people deal with them. While watching his
beautiful family, I was able to see the Lord work miracles in their lives
and manifest His love to them in so many undeniable ways. Though the
heart break hits very close to home, I am grateful to have been a part
of this last week with them. Interestingly enough, I was asked to speak
here today about keeping covenants through adversity.

I have always believed that we learn certain truths through trials,
and it becomes our responsibility to share those experiences and
lessons learned. The spirit will prompt us to share our testimonies
and will prepare the listener to hear the message. This is what I have
experienced to be very true. Not only are we strengthened through our
trials, but so are those around us.

Loss, heartache, sadness, pain and sickness are just a few of the things
that we may experience in our lives, but with those experiences come
the greatest learning opportunities.

Elder Bruce D. Porter of the Seventy tells us: Christ’s example teaches
us that a broken heart is an eternal attribute of godliness. When our
hearts are broken, we are completely open to the Spirit of God and
recognize our dependence on Him for all that we have and all that we

are. The sacrifice so entailed is a sacrifice of pride in all its forms. Like
malleable clay in the hands of a skilled potter, the brokenhearted can
be molded and shaped in the hands of the Master.

With a broken heart and a contrite spirit we are made humble and that
humility allows us to be taught.

As many of you know I lost my husband, John carter, in a plane crash
while he was on a humanitarian service trip in Guatemala two years
ago. Since that happened I have felt every type of emotion and thought
that span the whole spectrum from shock and surprise to sorrow to
anger. But I found that whatever I was feeling I needed and wanted to
keep the spirit of the Lord with me.

I’m sure some people would have understood if I had harbored feelings
of anger toward God for putting me through this tragedy but there is no
strength in anger and rejection. The way through these dark times is by
following the spirit and maintaining an attitude that allows us to move
with it.

In John 14:27 we find these words from our Savior. “Peace I leave
with you, my peace I give unto you, (now this is the most powerful
part to me) not as the world giveth, give I unto you, Let not your heart
be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” I have spent many sleepless
nights praying that for the peace spoken of in this scripture. I realized
that when the “world” offers to fix something for us, they offer an
immediate relief. They slap a pretty, painless band aid on the situation
and we no longer have to immediately deal with whatever is ailing
us. The way the Lord works is much more subtle. He doesn’t take all
the pain away, but he gently gives us tools and stepping stones. He
dresses us in courage and opens our eyes to the ministering angels
that surround us. It is in these times of difficulty that we are shown
who we really are and who we are meant to be. We are brought to a
remembrance of our eternal nature, and we realize that all of these
helps and blessings have been there all along. We just needed to see
them and allow them to bless our lives.

This life is a series of progressive steps that we must take on our
individual paths to perfection. There are reasons that we are faced
with certain trials and adversities when we are. They are essential in
our growth, because we are meant to build upon them.

I have often wondered if I would have been able to face this trial in
front of me, If I hadn’t first had to face the hardship of being financially
strapped, because it was in those lean years that my family and I
learned how to pray earnestly and how to rely on the Lord. And would
I have been able to meet that trial if I didn’t first have to face seeing
all of my friends married and having families of their own, when I was
still single and alone. It was through that time in my life that I learned
how to listen to the spirit and I learned how to let the comforter into
my heart. Finally, would I have known how to pray for comfort if first
as a child, a lost dog hadn’t prompted a small and very sincere prayer
that resulted in the reunion of a beloved pet. These are just a sample

of some of the tools that are now in my tool box, but my most precious
tools are the covenants that I made.

The covenants that we have made are like a life raft. When
the “tsunami” of adversity hits, it would be very easy to be overcome
and drown. It is our covenant “life raft” that keeps us afloat, and
transports us safely to the shore. We can be saved and have passage
home, but it is up to us to decide whether or not to get in the boat. It
seems like an easy choice, but sometimes confusion sets in and we are
quickly in over our heads. If we have first placed the value of that life
raft above all else, then we can’t be confused by the waves and the
chaos that surrounds us.

As a child I made a baptismal covenant that I always promised to
keep. As an adult I made several others jointly with my husband, and
together we place the highest of values on those covenants. So when
that wave hit, I grabbed hold of person that I knew had the power to
help me through the rough waters. There are still treacherous waters a
head, but I still hold to the safety of the raft.

The covenants that I have made from baptism at the age of eight to the
covenant of eternal marriage in the temple were promised to come
with great blessings predicated upon my faithfulness. I testify that
these are not empty promises. These are powerful contracts that I have
been the beneficiary of. And I have seen how our entire Carter family
have been blessed by keeping close to the Lord and each other.

I have been blessed immensely by thousands of hours of selfless service
from this community. Whether all of the people who have helped our
family know it or not but they have been doing their part of an eternal
covenant with God to help the poor and the fatherless and to lift the
hands that hang down and for that you will be blessed because God
keeps his promises.

Tell yourselves now that if and when tragedy strikes or when times
in your life get hard you will not turn away from your covenants
or the Lord. You are clear thinking now and you can do a lot to
prepare for adversity just by making that promise to yourself.

What I know now after having spent two full years in the arms of the
Lord is both mind blowing, and very simple. I know that our father
in heaven knows each of us personally. I know that we are never
alone. And that the comforter is real. I know that the prayers of others
truly affect our lives. I am sure that I will see John again. I know that
he is with us each and every day. I testify that the spirit teaches us individually, and answers are given if we but ask and listen. I know that my Savior loves me, and has felt my pain. I know that as long as I uphold my covenants, I will have a wonderful eternal life with my
family.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is true and was given to us to help us
through this life especially when those Tsunami’s of adversity hit.

While I have this opportunity I want to thank all of you for your loving
kindness and help. I also express my love to Ivan and LuDene Carter,
my “other parents” and all the Carter family. I couldn’t have picked a better family to marry into. I love each and everyone of them so much,

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen

The Silence is Over

2010-07-06T23:32:00.002-06:00

It's been a long time coming. I have had some technical difficulties, namely laziness, lack of foresight, and all out attention deficit. I got a new computer, and I don't have the right cables to upload pictures just yet, so sorry if it's just a bit dull without pix. Tomorrow I will begin to procrastinate about finding the cable.

Have you ever been offered everything you could ever want or need, only to figure out that someone else' need is far above your own? I had a dream last night that was just that. The thing is, I don't think it was a dream at all. Heavenly Father came to me after almost two years of the most intense praying and sadness I have ever experienced. He said, "Okay Lisa, you can now be with John. I have heard your prayers, and I want to bless you with togetherness."

I was beyond happy. I kept asking if this was really happening. I was so excited. My test had finally come to an end, and I got to be with my sweetheart at last. Then he said, "Of course you have passed, and you are free to come with me, but you will have to leave your children behind."

You can imagine my sorrow. I have begged and pleaded with Heavenly Father to make this nightmare all go away. I have asked him to rewind time. I have asked him to take me instead. I have tried everything. Not too many people know how painful it is to live without the best part of you. Now, I am faced with the hardest decision of my life...Stay and raise our children, or go be with my love.

I ran through every possible sinario. I tried it every way that I could, and no matter how I did it, those beautiful kids wouldn't be okay without their mom. I kept thinking, they're so little, they will be okay, but then I remember all the nights that I have rocked crying children to bed who miss their daddy. It just wasn't my time. Those kids saved me, and now I will never stop fighting for them.

Darn that Heavenly Father, he sure knows how to work me. I woke up with my eyes almost glued shut with shed tears. I know that this dream was a little lesson for me in courage. No matter how much I want this stupid accident to have never happened...it did! There is no way around it. There is only now, and the life you make for yourself. Courage is waking up in the morning and taking it for what it is. It's looking into the future with open eyes, and excitement. It's looking into your sweet childrens eyes and realizing that you would literally sacrifice anything for their well being.

The Privilege of Mother

2010-05-23T22:27:00.004-06:00

I just ran across this little video. Wonderfully inspiring, and a welcome reminder of why I'm here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHDvxPjsm8E
This is a video of Stephanie Neilson, who survived a plane crash exactly one week before John's. I have felt a bond with her even though we have never met. She is an inspiration to me, and I strive to be the kind of mother that she is. Thank you Stephanie for your bravery, you are a true hero.

Infomercials

2010-05-03T00:06:00.003-06:00

It's funny how many thoughts can run through my head all at the same time. As I type this, I am singing a Jonas Brothers song in my head (believe me, I know), thinking about how far behind on my studies I am, I am worrying about Ashton, I'm missing John, I'm trying to put my thoughts together on what to blog about, I'm thinking about my sweet friend Jamie, etc. I am running down the top position as ADD quarterlies spokes person. (Don't tell, but I think I've got it in the bag)

Amidst all this random thought, I am reflecting on something I heard tonight on an infomercial. Now, before you get started on bashing my infomercial watching, I will admit that I am a closet addict of things sold on TV. I own a shark steamer, a pilates machine, I once owned a gazelle fitness machine, and I have probably the most complete collection of exercise videos known to man. In fact you could probably sell me a cruise to Bolivia if you put it in a TV spot. (btw, Bolivia is land locked) Anyway, there was a testimonial that has really stuck with me. The guy said, "there is nothing you can't do if you want to do it. It's all in your mind."

Happiness, success, love, friendship, courage, strength...all of these are possible no matter what is happening all around us. It's what is in between the ears that counts. If you think you can't do something...You're right! You are right no matter what you think. If you think that you can't fail...You're right!

Just a little food for though.

Battle Cry

2010-04-24T22:19:00.004-06:00

Life has been a bit hectic lately. I feel like I achieve very little in the day, and yet I'm constantly on the move. I guess that's what the life of a soccer mom is all about. Between a weeks worth of piano lessons, scouts, dance, soccer practice, two soccer games, and chores there doesn't seem to be any time to just be.

In the last few weeks I have really been ticked that John isn't here. Life would sure be a lot easier if there was an extra set of hands, not to mention a strong back around here. I have felt so ripped off (well that was the PG version of my feelings anyway), especially lately. The bigger the kids get, the busier they become. I feel like I'm constantly a step behind and I have to run to get even. I'm exhausted!

I was at one of Ethan's games the other night, and I was listening to all the dads coaching their boys from the sidelines. They are critiquing them or encouraging them, and I'm watching Ethan patiently ride the bench. The anger that bubbled to the surface was fierce. Here my child sat watching his friends play the game, all because he doesn't have a dad out there to stand up for him, and coach him. I kept thinking, "If John were here, this would all be different!"

That statement is true in that John would be his coach so he probably would have more, at least fair playing time. However, that statement is also false in that John worked long crazy hours, and probably wouldn't have the time or energy to work with Ethan any more than I can now. There are families all over who have both parents, and the fact of the matter is they don't have any more time or resources than I do. We're all in the same boat. Yes, there are a select few who make it work out, but for the most part, we are all just trying to make it through to tomorrow.

Of course my life would be easier with John here, but for whatever reason that is not to be. I need to adapt and change and make it all work out. There is a kid that comes to piano after Ethan and Ashton that has impressed me more than almost anything. He was born with deformities in both arms. His arms are short, and jointed wrong, and the hands that are connected are deformed with only three or four fingers on each hand. To see this boy at piano lessons is like seeing a boxer in a tutu, it's just out of place. I thought the first time that I saw him, "Wow that is so great that his mom would try to do this for her son." The first time I heard him play, I was blown away. That kid plays like he is whole. Now, what if his mom said, sorry kid there is no way you can play the piano, you have a handicap. Instead, she told him that there was nothing that he couldn't do.

I now look at my life a little bit different. Yes, I have a handicap (quit your laughing, and get serious), but I'm going to defy gravity on this one. There is no way I'm going to let this beat me or my family. I may have to move a mountain or two, but hey what's a little manual labor?

Happy Birthday Johnny

2010-03-28T19:46:00.006-06:00

March 17, 2010 marks what would be John's 35th birthday. It was a hard day, scratch that...couple of weeks. For some strange reason, I wasn't expecting it to be so hard, when in fact it was marginally harder than last year.

My sweet mother shares a birthday with my Johnny, which has always been tricky, but now it's just really hard. We went down in the morning to take her to breakfast. Mike, Lisa, their kids, and Danny met us at the restaurant. It was really great to be able to have that time with her, and have it be about only her. I still sat at the table and cried right in the middle of the restaurant.

Later, my parents came up to the cemetery, and me and the kids stood with them and re-lived our favorite memories of John. I found myself so chocked up that I couldn't even speak. Did I mention that it was a hard day???

In the evening, we asked Ivan and LuDene, and Shawn and Mel and the kids to come up and send balloons up with us. Last year we ended up with quite the party. I couldn't face that this year, but I knew I had to do something for the kids.

The very best thing that can come from really painful experiences like this is...I miss him fiercely because I loved him so completely. I am grateful for the little lessons in life that remind me of how far I've come, and how blessed I am.

Aunt Mel brought all the balloons, and generally takes wonderful care of us. We love you Mel!

Crazy Carters in action. Malorie and Savana came up last minute to help us. Love you guys

Ashton and Averie were so excited to write cute messages to their daddy.

Ivan, ready for the countdown

Ethan, has had a really hard time without his dad, but is doing well.

Shawn, writing his message! Such a great brother

LuDene, brave as ever!

Blind Dates and Bars

2010-02-22T18:20:00.002-07:00

So I have decided that my pitiful life provides tons of cannon fodder for my friends. Case in point, I got a text the other night from a friend of mine who is also the Elders Quorum President. He said, "Hey, I'm planning a fun group date Saturday and I want you to be there. So I have an assignment for you." Oh man, not good words for me to read. He later called and explained that there is a guy in our ward that they are wanting to fellowship, and they didn't want him to be the odd man out, so he wanted me to come along so he wouldn't feel weird.

"So, you want me to feel like the odd man out?" I quipped
"No, we want you to come one way or the other, and it's not really a date. We are going to take the Trax train down to Salt Lake and walk around, it will be fun." He lied
"Well, okay, if it's not a date." I conceded

The phone rang again about twenty minutes later, and my friend on the other line says, "He is sooo excited for your date!"
"You sucker, I can't believe you did that!" I said
"I also told him that trains turn you on, so to take you in the back and make out with you." He laughed

So lets just say that I got my revenge. Saturday came and in the early afternoon I had a bridal shower to attend at my moms house, so the group that we were going out with were meeting me there. My sister-in-law (who was one of the members of the group) came in to get me, at which point my wonderfully unabashed aunt Andrea decided it would be hilarious if she pretended to be me. We figured he hadn't ever met me, so he'd be none the wiser. Well she ran out to the van (fifteen passenger by the way), crawled back several rows, snuggled up to this complete stranger, rested her head on his shoulder and said, "Hi, I'm Lisa, where are we off to?"

Poor, poor, poor guy. To say that he turned red would be an understatement. He was so shaken up. Can you imagine, first being in a van full of the Elders Quorum Presidency and their wives when you are inactive is probably anxious enough, but add an overly enthusiastic date to the mix, and boy..... At least he has a great story to tell, if he dares relive the embarrassment.

To make a silly story short here are the things that we can learn from said experience.

There will always be something to laugh about
Why not go out of your way to befriend someone
Always let crazy people talk you into impossible situations, it makes life like a little party
Laughter really is the best medicine.

Relief Society Site

2010-02-22T08:47:00.001-07:00

Hey Morgan friends, check out our new R.S. blog. Pass it on... www.morgan5rs.blogspot.com

Sentimental Days of Yore

2010-02-05T23:11:00.004-07:00

I've been trolling old computers and I have found tons on pictures. I thought I would post a few that really mean a lot to me.
*Caution: Photo overload ahead

Johnny and Ashton on a hike Bridal Veil Falls

John was mad I was snapping all the pics. I kept taking pictures of his bum. (hehehe)

Beautiful little Ethan

Cutie Pie Asthty Boy

Daddy and baby Aves

Here is another complaining picture. "Why are you taking all these crazy pictures?" "Why don't you get over here with the kids, and I'll take some pictures?"

Bum shot, but sure cute

John and I with some of our Youth Conference kids. Book of Mormon charades.

Lindsey Carter, Danielle Wall, Marissa Jensen, Tanner Hales, John, Ashley Volkert, Me, and Trace Tyrell (behind) Youth Conference '07 the Stripling Warriors.

This is me doing "The Parable of the Tide Pen" talk. I thought my talks started after the accident, but now that I see this, I remember that there were a few before.

Me, John, and Jodi and Tim Rankin before the Conference.

This is Lindsey, our niece. This picture makes me feel like he should be walking through the door at any minute. I'm still in shock I think. I can't believe that he's not coming back. Some days I wish I could just get over it. It's been a year and a half, but it feels like a couple of weeks, and and eternity all at the same time. Oh the weirdness of grief. I have come to the conclusion that grief, who I think we should call Frank, is bipolar, or completely schizophrenic. Dang that Frank!

Wisdom and Old stuff

2010-01-27T08:11:00.002-07:00

Awwwwww, did you ever see two cuter boys? I found these pics on the old laptop. I've been looking at them for several months, and trying to remember was life was like then. It seems so long ago, and yet it was almost just yesterday. Ethan as 5 in this picture, and Ashton was 1.

This was taken on the day Ashton was born. You can tell that Daddy had been up all night. He was so excited to introduce Ethan to his little brother.

Normally I would not include such a terrible picture of myself, but I just went through childbirth, and I don't look half bad for such a feat, and the look on Johnny's face is priceless. Oh I miss him so much. I still feel like he's just on a business trip, and he will be home any day now.

We are coming up on a year and a half. I can't believe it's been that long. Last night I cried myself to sleep again, just wishing I could talk to him. It's hard when you can be gone all day, and there is no one to call or check in with. I'll sit in class and everyone is checking in with their spouse, and I just sit there. Every now and again I'll get the chance to run errands by myself. I always think it will be great to have some time to myself, but inevitably I end up crying. I hate to be here by myself.

I learned something very important, get out your pens, or highlighters because this is wisdom I tell ya. Life is always an uphill battle. If we are not constantly engaged in moving upward our muscles will atrophy, and our legs won't be strong. The top of the mountain is the goal. Once we get there the vantage point will open up and we will be able to see and understand what it was all for.

So there you have it. I figure that I'm about 2/3rds the way up. I have a pretty good view of the things behind me, and I have an okay view of some of the stuff ahead and around me. I just passed one of the spots that I needed some extra equipment, like ropes, crampons, carabeaners (don't know how to spell that word), and a harness. The path I chose was the best path for me. It has its rough spots, but my Father packed my safety equipment, and boy you should see my buff arms and legs at this point.

Hallelujah

2009-12-26T15:27:00.003-07:00

Well Christmas is over...HALLELUJAH!!!!! The kids had a wonderful holiday. They have been in a candy, toy, electronic induced stupor even into the day after Christmas. Oh to be a kid, where magic is real, all your dreams come true, and an old fat man in a red suit sneaks in and leaves gifts a plenty. (That actually sounds pretty creepy, when you think about it)

I am thankful for all those who have helped me and my little family through the last sixteen months, but especially through the last few holidays. It's been really hard, and there are only a few people that would understand the exact degree of difficulty. In fact, I sit here now, physically sick with sadness. There are times that I wonder if my heart will actually survive, and not in the emotional sense, but the actual ability to continue to beat sense.

I wish there was a magic pill that would take all the pain away. If I could invent such a thing, I would be wealthy beyond Bill Gates standards. The problem is, the pain is there to teach us what is really important in life.

Hollywood makes family seem like a thing that we are saddled with when we are either irresponsible, or finally done having fun. And then, it's easily expendable, just get a good pre-nup and attorney and your good to go. However, if that is the case, then why is it so painful when a family falls apart? Why is it that when one family member is no longer here, there is a gaping hole that threatens to swallow you whole.

My testimony of family had grown infinitely through the loss of my sweetheart. I know that what we had here on this earth will continue into the eternities, but I miss him so much that the pain makes me make certain promises to myself about the things that I will do for the rest of this life and on and on. Here are a few of those promises.

Say "I Love You" to everyone that I do love, as much as possible
Hug more
Pay attention to the small moments of life, they are the most important
Acknowledge feelings for what they are, and deal with them appropriately.
Stop worrying about what others think of me, only worry about what the Lord and my family thinks of me.
Take time to watch a movie with the kids
Read together as a family
Laugh as often as you can, even if you have to make up an excuse.
Make sure that the important people in your life know that they are important
Trust your instincts, they are a gift of the spirit, and they won't lead you astray.

This list could go on for an eternity. It actually has a lot of bullet points for marriage, but I will leave those out for now, they're just too painful.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-07T13:33:00.003-07:00

Dreams

2009-12-03T08:17:00.002-07:00

Ok, so here we go. I'm about to unload some crazy dreaming on you, you ready? I woke up this morning with a surge of adrenalin. I am somewhat known for my crazy dreams, ask anyone. (except my dad, he hates when I tell my dreams) Usually the dreams are really just entertainment for me, apparently my psyche needs to be entertained at all times of the day and night. However, last night was different. Let me lay it out for you. I was in a very tense situation, bad guys everywhere, and there I was climbing higher and higher up this crazy scary contraption. I don't really know the point of all of that, but here is where it gets interesting. There was a man there to save me. The only way he could help was for me to climb all the way up to the very precipice of the structure. Once there, I had to turn around and sit on this tiny ledge several hundred feet above the ground. The tower swayed, and there was nothing to hold on to. Just thinking of it makes my heart pound. Behind me was this man who kept telling me to trust him, and not to worry. He very carefully offered his hand, and with little effort helped me to safety. I remember having such an internal struggle with whether or not to trust this man. It was literally die alone, or trust this person to help you live. I know, you are probably thinking I watch way too much James Bond. I can't stop thinking that the dream has a deeper meaning. In fact I have made two conclusions.

I don't have to do it all on my own. There is someone out there who can help on this earthly sphere if I just open myself up and trust.
I'm not alone. My savior is always there for me. Sometimes, I have to do scary things, and it seems like I'm doing them all by myself, but really he's right behind me ready to catch. I still have to do my part, but the protection is always there.

Hmmmm, isn't it cool that even in the midst of bad guys, and death defying acts, the savior is always with us, and there is always a lesson to be learned. P.S. Please don't bug me about my run on sentences, it's early and my brain is still nigh night.

Holidays

2009-11-29T08:38:00.002-07:00

Oh, how the holidays are upon us.

The snow,

the lights,

the food

Normally, that's enough for a great year. Now, I wish I could skip it. All that I can think of is being alone. The kids are missing him more than ever, which makes it so much harder on me.

I have all these great daydreams of being in a coma till May, however with the slim chance there, I have to make preparations for my children to have a great memory this year. Even with John gone, the kids deserve a beautiful holiday.

I have often given thanks for my sweet children. Without them, I don't need to carry on. I could curl up and just let the years pass. But with them, I can see the light. I know that it will be hard, and painful, and frustrating at times. I know that the ache in my heart will always be there. I know that I will be faced with tough decisions that will have to be made on my own, but I also know that it will be worth it. I know that my family will be protected. I know that one day, this pain will subside, we wont be alone, and we will feel whole again.

For now, I just put on a brave face, suck it up, show my kids that they are loved, and hope for a better tomorrow.

Faith Precedes the Miracle

2009-11-17T08:30:00.002-07:00

I was given the opportunity last weekend to speak to the Laurels of the stake. It was such a beautiful experience. There is something about being around those young women that seems to recharge my battery. Here's a portion of the talk. I thought it turned out pretty good. I can always tell when divine intervention is involved, because it always sounds smarter than I could make it myself.

I’m so thankful for this experience to speak to you beautiful young women. You have such a wonderful spirit about you. I was asked to speak to you about How my faith is Jesus Christ has helped me through life’s trials.

I guess I should start by giving some background. (plane crash)

Trials and Faith:

Everyone in this life will experience trials. They are there to humble us, and teach us. There are two responses that people have to trials. 1. Cry and whine, and say woe is me. This is the pity party attitude. 2. Is to suck it up, look beyond the trial itself and try to see the miracles that are going on around you.

I find that my mind is pretty powerful, so it is important that I look at things in a positive light. For instance when I was younger I could get a headache just by hearing the word. So, whenever I’m faced with something that I may think is hard, I have to tell myself that It’s really not hard, just time consuming. I do this same thing with trials. So we are going to change trials to trails…TRIALS and TRAILS. The word is nearly the same, just two letters are flipped. Now we are looking at a set of trails, instead of a set of trials. How do we know which trail to take? Well we probably need a few tools with us so that we don’t get lost.

· Compass- Faith - In Nephi’s time, they were given a compass that would only show them the way if they exercised their faith.

· Map – Scriptures – The scriptures truly are Gods way of speaking to us, all we need to do is study them, and they will show us the way.

· Warning Signs – The holy ghost -When we learn to listen to that still small voice, we will be able to avoid trouble, and the pit falls of life.

Now if we can look at that trial as a journey, suddenly our outlook changes from why did this have to happen, to what can I learn from this.

I believe that our family was prepared for the loss of John through inspiration. I also believe that because of our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, we listened, and acted upon the promptings that were given, and as a result we were blessed beyond measure. We were set on a trail that lead us to friends, family, neighbors, and acquaintances that have allowed for the exact kind of support that we needed to help us through this difficult time.

So, I want to stop there and talk about Faith. I have been asked, “How has your faith grown because of your experience?” This question has really given me pause, and I have thought about it even more since being asked to speak tonight. The answer that I have come up with is this…I have always had faith that my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are here for me. I have always known that the gospel is completely true. I have always known that Christ Atoned for me. So my faith was always there. What I have learned since the accident is that Faith Precedes the Miracle. The miracle being the simple fact that my family and I have survived the unthinkable, and in fact, we have not only survived, but we have thrived.

There is a scripture in 1 Nephi that I love. 1 Nephi 7:12 Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him.

http://scriptures.lds.org

How many times do we forget? I know that I forget more often than not. We get busy in our lives and we forget that ALL things are possible, not SOME, but ALL as long we exercise faith in him. Our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ love us more that we can know, and all they want for us is happiness. That’s why it’s called the plan of Happiness, not the plan of sorrow, or the plan of frustration, or the plan of loneliness. We need to exercise faith, that they know what they are doing, and that if we follow our trail, that we will end up where we need to be.

Faith is not something that is going to swoop in and save the day after being ignored. Faith needs to be our foundation, and then with that sturdy foundation, our structure can weather any storm.

I heard a wonderful story about this from a friend of mine. She said that she was in the mall one day, and noticed the gardener was violently shaking the trees as she went around watering them. My friend though to herself, “I wonder what is going on there?” This strange though stayed with her for several days, and then she realized that with the indoor shelter that these trees had, they had no reason to lay down deep roots. In nature, when the wind blows, and the weather changes, trees will instinctively force their roots deeper into the earth to protect themselves, and ensure their survival. Have you noticed the trees at the bottom of the canyon? The wind has constantly blown and forced them to grow at an angel, but they are alive and thriving in that environment, because they have been forced to develop enough strength to survive where they were planted. The trees indoor, have none of those natural forces, so the gardener was shaking the tree to force it to protect itself, and become more hardy.

The wind doesn’t blow the same on all of us. The storm may rage in one place, and not another, but we are all out in the weather. Each of us are here on this earth for a propose. We were chosen for that purpose before we were born, and I believe that trails are merely a way for us to realize our full potential in life.

I know that I will see my sweet John again. I know that the veil is thin. I know that, though it is really hard now, that it will become easier. I know that we are protected through the holy ghost and priesthood blessing. I know that my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ love me, and want me to succeed. I have often wondered about what my life would be like now if this hadn’t happened, but I have realized that with all the promises and blessings and knowledge that my family and I have received, there has come a sacred knowledge of faith, the plan of salvation, and the role of families in our lives, that I would never want to be without that knowledge.

All Hallows Eve

2009-11-02T08:30:00.003-07:00

Well we made it through our sugar induced coma's long enough to post a few pics. I must say that I was not Johnny on the spot with the camera this year, so you'll have to use your imagination.

Here's Ruby the Demon from Supernatural. Let me tell you, the more you have to explain a costume, the less fun it is.

Here's Commander Cody. The boys are a little too taken with Star Wars.

Here is little miss sassy pants the witch! If that girl isn't just a little poser.

Captain Rex, leader of the Carter kids.

We started our trick-or-treating at 4 o'clock, and didn't get home until around 9. Now that is die hard treat gathering. Now if I knew what to do with the 40lbs of candy...

Sleep?

2009-10-24T23:34:00.002-06:00

As I sit procrastinating sleep, I wonder why does it have to be so hard sometimes? I realize that I don't want to sleep, because in my dreams everything is normal. John is back, if only for a few minutes. Then I wake up and my heart breaks all over again. I don't know how long I can handle the pain. Everyone says that time will heal all wounds. That is true to a degree, but I don't think there will come a time that I don't have John on my mind. I don't know that there will be a day when my heart doesn't ache for him.

I find that I really compare myself to others in my grief. I have known of a few people to lose spouses over this past fourteen months, and for some reason I feel like I should be handling things the same way that they are. It's stupid, I know. Not every situation is the same, not every relationship is the same, not every person is the same, so why do I think I can compare?

All that I know for sure is, I miss him. I know that I'm here by myself with sick kids. I know that I'm lonely. I know that as much as I love him, I have to move forward. I know that he can't move forward until I do.

Those revelations are easy said, but not easily accepted. I want to give my burdens to the Savior and move ahead, but I just don't know how. I think that deep down I'm being punished, and I don't know how to get passed that feeling. I feel like John was taken away because I didn't deserve him or our life together. Pathetic, I know. The mind is a powerful thing, and mine is twisting me and turning me, and I really have to concentrate to figure which way is up. I know in my head that it was just an accident, but my heart sometimes has a mind of it's own.

I keep thinking about a dream John told me about. It was when Ethan was a baby, so we had been married for about two years. He woke up really upset, and it took him a while to settle down and tell me about the dream. He said that some men came to take him away from us. He didn't think they were bad men, they just said that we couldn't be together anymore. He tried to get away, but they were too strong, they wouldn't even let him kiss us goodbye. He was so upset for a long time, and now that stupid dream is all I think about. I wonder if that was a little heads up to us. Why is it that we don't get to grow old together? It's so unfair, but I can't dwell on that. I know for a certainty that there is someone else out there for us. I don't know the reason for all of this, but I do know that we were meant to be involved with another family, and for some reason this family was meant to be with us all along. I know that there are other children out there for me. I know that there is a wonderful man out there that will be a tremendous dad for the kids, and a loving companion for me here on this earth. I also know that I don't have to worry about how it's all going to play out in the eternities, because I have had so many positive affirmations. It's not mine to worry about. (That doesn't mean I still don't wonder)

I've got to say, I am totally impressed that we have made it this far. I leaned so heavily upon him, that I forgot what it was like to stand on my own. Or maybe I never really learned to stand on my own, so I never knew that I would be good at it. I don't like it, but I can do it. I have found out that my safe little back row personality was a lazy cover that was blown open by this trail. I never knew that the Lisa I settled with was the wrong Lisa. I didn't know that you could choose who you were going to be. I thought that you were born a certain way, and that was it. I don't know how it took me so long to figure it all out. Oh yes I do, it was because of my hard heartedness (ie stubborn, bull headed, thick sculled) I had to be humbled to be taught. That sucks, why can't I just listen sometimes.

Lesson learned...for a minute.

Conference Weekend

2009-10-07T20:36:00.003-06:00

This weekend has been fraught with emotion for me. It was General Conference Weekend. I usually look so forward to it, we have some pretty treasured traditions that revolve around Conference weekend. We always went on a drive that ended in a hike of some kind. John lived for nature, and it was a good bet that we would find ourselves right in the middle of it whenever time would allow. We spent many a Sunday at Snowbasin, hiking and taking pictures. We loved to drive down Provo canyon to Bridal Veil Falls in the spring when the ice was just starting to melt. We loved to look at the fall leaves, and spot wildlife, and just be in the midst of God's beautiful creations. This Weekend, I stayed home and watched conference in quiet.

It is so wonderful to know that God knows each and every one of us. The talks that were given, seemed to be prepared for me and my family. I enjoyed so much the words that were so skillfully put together in a way that I had been searching to do myself during this last year. It was so uplifting, and so sad at the same time. Then in between the morning and afternoon sessions on Sunday there was a story about the humanitarian effort in Guatemala. It was a beautiful story, they mentioned the crash, and showed a picture of John. I cried, and cried, and got really mad, then felt guilty, then cried some more. I was sad that John never got to meet those people that he was so excited to serve. I was mad that the people that were featured on the story did get to meet them, and with no problems might I add. I was really mad that it made me think about the crash again, and all the sadness that went along with that horrible day. So needless to say I have been in a super fantastic mood the last several days (months).

In the middle of my sorrow, I talked to my beautiful, wise, brilliant sister-in-law Mel, and she suggested that I make a list of all the things that I have learned, and the blessings that we have received since we lost John. It is so hard when you are in the middle of grief to realize or understand that there really has been progress made, and sometimes we really need to sit back and take a good long look at personal growth that has taken place.

Keep in mind that this list is very incomplete, but it's a start.

I know that my Father in Heaven loves me.
I know that my Savior died for me.
I know that Johnny is mine forever and ever.
I know that my family loves me.
I have true friends, the kind that can handle anything that you throw at them, and they do it with ease and grace.
The veil is very thin.
Service really is the only place you can find relief.
Life is too short
Love never dies
The Atonement is way bigger, and more complex, and I will never learn in this lifetime all of it's facets.
Family is forever
Family is the reason for this life
Guilt is of the Devil (and he wields it like a double edged sword)
It's ok to not be perfect
It's ok to do things your own way
Sometimes we make mistakes, and guess what, the world doesn't end
When God brings you to it, he'll get you through it.
We are going to be ok
I know that we will be better than we were before
I know that there are angles around us
Things may seem sad and hopeless, but I know that there is nothing but hope and happiness in our future.

Here are a few pictures that I came across, and they speak volumes.

A Child's Simple Wisdom

2009-09-29T21:23:00.002-06:00

The other night we were reading scriptures and talking about the Angels that Heavenly Father has sent our family. The boys were participating and interjecting their ideas, and taking turns reading. We weren't paying too close attention to Averie, she was just jabbering away like she always does. Pretty soon, I caught a bit of what she was saying, and I tell ya, it was golden. She was pretending to read the scriptures (which were upside down), and she was essentially bearing her testimony. She was pretending to cry, while "reading", because that's what she has seen when people bear their testimonies. I caught a little of what she said on my cell phone, so here is word for word Averie's sweet testimony...

Today, I learned about Jesus. He was so young. He is around me. I know his name. I love him so much. Families are forever. I love to see the temple, I'm going there someday... When she started singing, the boys and I joined her. You can't resist a beautiful primary song, especially when a four year old is singing it.

So dang cute. Nothing like a forced cry, and those sweet words. A child's simple wisdom.

"W" Formula

2009-09-22T13:11:00.003-06:00

W
We are finishing our basement, so I was forced to clean the dang thing out. As my sis-in-law Mel and I were cleaning, I came across a missionary book of John's. It was compiled by his mission president, and had all the weekly reports in it. It also had notes from different zone meetings and talks that he heard along the way. There were a few that I really loved. He wrote notes from a talk he heard from Pres. Monson. It was call the "W" formula. Work Will Win When Wishy Washy Wishing Won't. Hello, love it! I love Pres. Monson, and how his sense of humor can always be likened to a scripture, or a life lesson.

As I continued to read through the book, I found something that hit me really hard. It was very simple, probably notes to a talk he gave. I said...FATHER IN HEAVEN
FATHER ON EARTH
FAMILY'S ARE TO EXIST AFTER LIFE
He knew then, a mere seven months before we would meet, that the reason for this life was for families. He knew he was leaving his family for a few years, so that other families could be together forever. He knew that our family would be together in heaven because of the covenanted that he made and kept. I am so thankful for a faithful husband, and for an eternal family.

More Than Just Feet

2009-09-20T16:32:00.002-06:00

I have spent the last few days back to school. I will briefly describe the modality that I have been learning, but most of you will scratch you heads and say, What? So here goes...I have been learning the foot zoning technique. Basically, in a nutshell, all the systems of the body can be accessed from the feet. It's like hitting the reset button on you body, making it perform the way it was originally designed to perform. So with that said, the things that I learn while in this class have been soooo much more than anatomy and physiology.

Yesterday, as we broke for lunch, we were all sitting around shooting the breeze. The conversation turned to that of a very spiritual nature. Thank goodness for a class full of active latter day saints. We started to talk about our true nature, and how if we can be in tune with our spirits, then we will always have to answers and the tools that we need to find our way through this life. How many times in our lives have we been asked to take a test, when we haven't been given every answer before hand. In the pre-existence, we were taught and trained, so that when we came to this earth we would have every single answer that we would need. The vail was placed over our eyes, but our spirit remembers. We need to practice and get into the habit of relying, listening, and believing what our spirits have to tell us. We will never go wrong, if we go by the spirit.

Life Lessons

2009-09-14T22:09:00.004-06:00

My heart is full tonight and my mind is set on John. I was just thinking about all the things that we have done together. All the firsts we experienced together. First love, first place, first bills, first babies, first "Oh man, what did we get ourselves into!" First real joy when we were married, and one by one our children came into our family. First real sorrow when we lost our baby. All of these firsts built such a foundation for the "Carter Family." I feel like we have lived such a wonderful and all encompassing life, and at the same time, I feel like it was way too short.

I was picking up a little today, and I just walked past a picture of John, and it fully hit me. He's not coming back. I had to sit down it hit so hard. It's easy to go to that safe little place called denial, and set up residence there. I guess I was away so long, that I forgot that I actually have to live this life without him.

Now before I get a whole bunch of "he's always with you" speeches... I know and realize this probably more than most people, but that doesn't make it easy or fair. Nothing, and nobody will ever take his place. He was the one that I could talk to about anything, and he never judged. Most of the time he would just hold me and tell me that he loved me and that everything was going to be okay. I need that so bad right now. I just need to know it will be okay. I just want this to have had meaning and reason. I want others who are struggling to be able to come across this and see that though things are hard, and sometimes unfair, I can get through it with grace and virtue. I want people to realize that just because something bad happens, or some road block is in your way, that doesn't give you licence to throw away everything that you know to be true and right. I want to document the good things that can come out of an experience like this. Because lets face it, there is always good in everything, and if we don't see it, then we are looking in the wrong places.

The scriptures teach us to endure to the end, but if we read on it says endure well. I don't think it counts if we come barreling through the finish line covered in dust and grime, and hanging on to the coat tails of the guy in front of us. I think that we need to stand ourselves up straight, dust ourselves off, and learn to finish the race on our own two feet. Maybe that is part of what I needed to learn in all of this. I needed to gain my own testimony (a greater testimony) in order not to rely so heavily on John's. I needed to not feel so self-conscious about the things that I feel or believe. I needed to learn what was truly important in my life, so that I could teach my children.

The Silver Dollar Effect

2009-09-14T11:48:00.002-06:00

When there is an old tarnished silver dollar, one way to polish it is by rubbing it against a shiny NEW silver dollar. This process both removes tarnish, but polishes both silver dollars. This story was relayed to me the other day, and I have been thinking about it ever since. The woman who relayed this story likend it to working with the youth. She told of how working and serving the youth, her tarnished soul is polished by their new shiny spirits.
I loved this analogy so much. I would further state, that by our associating with those who are just a bit more loving, a little more in tune, a touch more kind, and helpful our tarnished souls can also be polished, and refined by their glowing example, and association.
I have looked around me and found myself smack dab in the middle of the most brilliant, luminous silver dollars in the mint. I am thankful for my associations with all of those who contribute to my progression and I am thankful for the opportunity to rub up against those whom I truly look up to.

Oh How Sweet the Harvest

2009-09-11T19:25:00.003-06:00

There is so much satisfaction that comes from growing your own produce. This year we planted peas, beans, potatoes, onions, broccoli, cabbage, brussel sprouts (oops, I thought John was still home. He's the only one that eats those nasty little things), tomatillos, peppers, tomatoes, corn and all kinds of squash. We also have several fruit trees. Two apple, (plus two more that were given to us by Pres. Porter), three plum, and an appricot. How fun to see the kids go out side and pick themselves a nice treat.

The thing that you don't give much thought to when you are joyfully planting is, "what in the world and I going to do with all this stuff?" Well the answer is about 4 weeks of energy burning, back breaking, hand crippling harvesting and canning. Oh how I hate that part.

I have a wonderful group of friends that have been crazy into canning, and boy have we gone to town. So far we have canned salsa, grape juice, plum jelly, apple sauce, apple pie filling, apple jelly, and the girls did spaghetti sauce, pickles, corn, beans, beets, and jalapino jelly without me yesterday. (I was busy having a full on panic attack about our Relief Society Fall Social, and taking LuDene to lunch for her birthday)

All of this got me thinking about the things that we do in life that maybe we don't want to do, but we love it when it's done. I think that this directly applies to our trials. We hate to even think that tough times exist, or that most likely we will experience them. They still loom out on the horizon. I wont claim that I am through my trial, but I will say that though this has been the most profoundly difficult thing that I have ever even come close to. It has also been the most spiritual, emotional, and mental growth that I have ever experienced. I know who I am. I know where I'm going. I am more driven that I have ever been to do the things that I know to be right, and to be an example while doing it. I am no longer afraid of how people see me, or if I'm doing what so and so down the street thinks I should be doing. I know what is right for me and my family, and there is nothing standing in my way.

Averie's Pretty School

2009-09-09T12:59:00.003-06:00

Well it finally came, the first day of Pretty School!!!!!!! (Pre-school for you laymen out there) Averie was so excited that she couldn't sleep the night before. So 8am came really early, but she jumped out of bed and ran to her room, got dressed and was ready to go in a matter of seconds. If only I could get that kind of cooperation on a Sunday.

This is Averie walking into class. I wish I could remember the conversation that we were having, I was laughing the whole way in. It went something like this; "I wonder who all my friends are going to be? I wonder when snack time is? I wonder what snack is? Hey, look there is fun stuff to play of? Where is my Teacher? Do you think I look beautiful?"

My princess picking her nose.

Waiting for moms to pick up the kids

Meeting new friends. "Hey mom, this is the girl who took the last lollipop at church!" Fast friends

Deep Thoughts from the Rolling Stones

2009-09-08T22:09:00.003-06:00

Carter Clan

Carver Clan

"You can't always get what you want, but you just might find...you get what you need!"

Who knew that Mick Jagger would get one right?

Thank Goodness for Kids

2009-09-06T08:41:00.005-06:00

In the past year, I have never worried so much about anything as I did the kids. My biggest worry was, "How can I do this on my own?" "I'm totally going to screw these kids up!" "I'm not smart enough to be the only parent to these kids!" ... You can probably imagine all the questions and concerns that I have had for my little sweeties.

Then one day I sat down with a very wise friend, and I voiced all my concerns to him. He said, "What makes you think that Heavenly Father loves those kids less than you love them?" Hummmmmmmmmm, well that sort of puts everything into prospective doesn't it. Why would Heavenly Father let HIS children falter and fail just because they had the misfortune to have to grow up without a father in a single parent home? Heavenly Father would give these little people extra blessing to survive in spite of me. In fact, Heavenly Father would send this clueless mother three of his best little spirits to teach her, and help her along her own journey. Thank Goodness for Kids!

Carver Family Reunion 2009

2009-09-01T08:19:00.005-06:00

August 2009 marked the first of the annual Carver Family Reunion. We all met at the Heber Girls Camp in Heber Valley for the fun and festivities. In attendance were the JBL Pose (Janet's Family), the SoCal Carvers (Doug's Family), the Gorbies (David's Family), the O'Hil-Bob's (us, Steven's Family), the Scotty Bobos (Scott's Family), and the Gun's and Roses (Charlie's family). In all there were about 105 of us crazy Carvers.

Here are just a few of us being instructed on some of the Challenge courses.

Here is Grandpa Steve-a-rino climbing up to traverse the wire to the zip line.

I can fly!!!!!!

Here's Mikey, wow or Mitch! That's a first, I can't tell them apart.

Here is Ethan's action shots.

This is the only picture of me I could find. You guessed it, I'm the one being groped by the brothers. Yikes that is a story for another day.

We can never sign off until we show the characteristic temper tantrum/spaz attack by little Averie Neva.

Back to School

2009-08-31T08:31:00.003-06:00

I waited to post the back to school stories because frankly I was both physically and emotionally worn out. I hope that with August behind us, I can recharge a little and try to get things back to normal around here.

The first day of school this year was way early. The kids started August 19th, and boy were they excited. Ashton finally got to eat lunch at the school, and man did he think he was cool. Ethan is in the fifth grade now, and that means that he is the top dog at the school. I can't believe that he will be in middle school next year. Averie doesn't start her "pretty" school until the second week of September, so keeping her busy has been a little bit of a chore, but I have really enjoyed having so much time with just her.

It's funny, I can remember very clearly my fifth grade year, and parts of my first grade year. I remember thinking that my parents had all the answers, and that they totally knew what they were doing...I WAS DUPED! I had no idea that they were just guessing at all of the parenting stuff. No wonder we use to get away with so much. Spencer and I played on the train tracks, we went to the store that was down the street, across the tracks, and across another busy street when we were just 6 and 8, and we witnessed a huge fight between two neighbors over one of the neighbors husbands.

So, here is the lesson that I have learned...FAKE IT! They will never know or suspect that you don't know what you are doing as long as you are confident.

Ashton in his rock and roll shirt with a tie, and not to forget his sweet leather jacket.

My cutie pie Ethan, wearing his staple brown hoodie (that is destined for the DI pile), and a cool purple skater shirt, BIG cowboy belt buckle, carpenter pants, and cowboy boots. He's starting a new trend combining skater punk, with urban cowboy. Still thinking of a name for that one.

'Nuff said!

2009-08-30T20:58:00.001-06:00

One Year

2009-08-24T22:10:00.002-06:00

I can't believe that it has been one year since my love went to our Father in Heaven. I don't have the words to describe the pain, the loneliness, the loss, and the terror of the last year. But what I can describe is the love, the blessings, the service, and the friendship that we have had this last year. I would rather concentrate on the good anyway.

So many people have said to me, "I don't know how you are doing it, it is my worst nightmare!" My simple answer, "I do it solely through our Savior, Jesus Christ!" From the minute the doorbell rang one year ago, I knew that my life was about to change very drastically, and I also knew that I had to put myself in the Lords hands.

I felt John's spirit so strong this last year. I knew that Heavenly Father would never take a father and a husband away without providing a way for him to watch out for, and protect his family. After all, that is the plan. People have said, "I wonder what John is doing now?" "I bet he is teaching many people." I felt very strongly that his mission right now is his family. I still feel that. There are times that I know he is watching his little princess and smiling. There are time that he is with Ethan as he zips around on his dirtbike. There are time that I see him put his arms around his little Ashton, when he is having a hard time. And there are definately times that he holds me as I fall to sleep.

The Father in Heaven that I know is kind, loving, and concerned for us. He knows that the road ahead is difficult for us, so he gives us the tools that we need to face those challenges. He allows the father to continue to be a huge part of his families lives, because that is why we are here. Family is the reason for all that we do in this life. I am forever grateful that I have an eternal family, and that my sweetheart will be waiting for me. Oh the reunion that will be.

The Focus Four Run

2009-08-22T21:15:00.004-06:00

Well, it was a shining success. Months of planning. Lots of laughter. A surprising amount of stress. Lack of sleep. It was a wonderful day.

I can't thank Chris Hislop, Bill Wiser, Logan Kashanipour, and Sam Foster enough. They graciously let me tag along, and even listened to my input in the organization of this four mile run. I also have to thank the many sponsors, participants, and those who donated both time, and/or money. Wow, what a wonderful community we live in.

Maybe I'll give a little back story to the reason we did a four mile run instead of a regular 5k. There were four focus employees who lost their lives in the plane crash. We decided that we would like to run one mile for each of them.

Still a Rough Road to Pass

2009-08-16T23:23:00.003-06:00

For everyone who has lost a loved one, you know that there is no such thing as moving on. I am still taken back by people who tell me that I need to move on. How do I move on? YOU move on! Am I just supposed to flip a switch, and the man that I love with every ounce of my being is just erased? I have an eternal bond with him, I can't just forget him.

My dear friend came over this week and helped me pack up some of his things. How wonderful to have true friends. Friends that you don't have to hold back emotions from. Friends who listen, and try to understand, even when they don't totally get it. (and I hope they never have to be in a position to get it.) Friends who give up their own time to take care of you when you aren't able to take care of yourself.

It seems that friendships are tested the most when a dire situation arises. It is then that you know who you can really count on. I have, by what I can only describe as an act of God, ended up with a truly amazing group of friends. These people have been there no matter what. They haven't been scared away by sadness or pain, they haven't been put off by exhaustion. They have gladly lent their love, strength, time, and service without ever having thought of repayment. How can there ever be a more perfect act of Christ-like love? I can only hope to be but a portion of what was given to me.

I have found myself really in a bad place today. I have been in tears most of the day. I have wondered why this happened to us. I have questioned every decision that we made for the last several years. I have wished I could take it all back, and start over. This is a dark place that I have never let myself go to before today. Nothing good can come from these thoughts. There is a song that says, "When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul, you're in ruins." How true is that statement.

I sat down to the computer to hash out some of my thoughts, and I was surprised that what came out was my love and appreciation for my friends. I have learned in these few short minutes that, no matter what happens in our lives, Heavenly Father surrounds us with lifeguards to save us from our own thoughts. These earthly angels are here to ground us, to make us see what is really important, and to remind us that life really is worth living, even when it's hard.

Thank you to all my wonderful friends, and loving angels.

Prize Winning Pix

2009-08-09T22:48:00.009-06:00

Ethan and I have been asked several times about the pictures we won first place on in the fair, so here are the winners.

Ethan did the top picture of the barn, Elvis the Rooster (Sweepstakes winner), and Averie in the wall of flowers. (Recommended to go to the State Fair)

The rest are mine. The pictures are pretty fun, but the memories are much more fun. It's hard to complain when you live around so much beauty. Beauty of the world around us, and beauty of the character of those whom we associate. What a blessed life we live.

Tater Tot, Chicken Chet, and Elvis (not to forget Henifer Lopez)

2009-08-02T22:55:00.004-06:00

As you know, this sweet little creature to the left is public enemy number 1. Chicken Chet. (dun dun dun) With the Morgan County Fair came certain opportunities. Opportunity number one...

Ethan got to join 4-H and raise a lamb. This was all thanks to some wonderful friends of ours, Tim and Jodi Rankin. They furnished the lamb, the feed, and all the advice and help that Ethan would need to make this an amazing experience for him.
Everyone was worried about the auction because of the economy, but thanks to loving family members, Ethan's lamb went for $900.00. Thank you Kent and Cindy!

Number two. The Fair give us the ability to show off our talents in other areas like crafting, photography, dance, and raising livestock. This picture of Elvis the chicken was a sweepstakes winner. Ethan took the picture, and also entered the chicken himself in the fair and was given a blue ribbon. He entered 3 pictures in all, all winning blue ribbons. One was sweepstakes, and one was suggested to enter into the state fair. (The kid was golden this week, nothing could touch him. Every single thing he entered or did, turned out perfect. I think there was a handsome angle looking out for him)
Averie got to dance, and she put a few little thing she made into the fair. Ashton entered his derby car, and rode a dirt bike. Dreams come true at the fair.

Third, Henifer Lopez here was entered into the fair by my niece Savana. I think she is, how can we say it nicely...She has a sweet spirit. I told Savana to grab one of the shiny, pretty black hens, but she had chased this one down and didn't want to catch another one. Low and behold, Henifer Lopez was a blue ribbon bird! I don't know what they were judging on, maybe she was just bootylicious.

Fourth, It's a wonderful opportunity for me to see my sweet little boy dress like a cowboy (by the way, I don't approve) and paste on the most cheesy smile I have yet witnessed.

Finally, Chicken Chet is no more!!! I talked to the lady who was working in the poultry house, and I was telling her what a little demon this itty bitty guy was. She said, "Well that's because he is the original fighting cock breed." Why the heck is he at my house then? She said, just put for sale on his cage. HELLO!!!! What a fantastic idea. So Chicken Chet is terrorizing another family, or is in soup somewhere else, and that is nothing but fantastic.

Barns, bobsleds, and Crocs

2009-07-24T23:37:00.004-06:00

Today started out pretty sad. I couldn't sleep the night before because I was missing John so much. So after a little benedril at 2am I finally caught some z's. The problem with medicated sleep is the hangover you wake up with, and combined with sorrow it makes for a rocky morning.

I had learned from my birthday that I wasn't just going to sit around and feel sorry for myself. So I called my little brother Danny, and we went on an adventure. With the fair coming up we decided to grab the camera and find some cool places to photograph. We started here in Morgan, then ended up in Park City. We had so much fun trespassing, exploring, and making a general nuisance of ourselves. We decided to call our adventure the Barn Tour (I know, all kinds of thought went into that one).

After stopping at a few barns, some old cottages, and gas stations, we ended up at the outlet mall. In all of our shopping madness, we made it into one store...The Croc outlet. These shoes have to be the ugliest ever created, but boy are they comfy.

Here are some pics of our adventures to the further most reaches of Summit County.

Where the Wild Things Are

2009-07-22T18:55:00.003-06:00

I was at the movie the other night, when a trailer for "Where the Wild Things Are" came on. I don't know about you, but I had this book as a child. I don't really know what the story was about, I only remember looking at the pictures and making up my own storyline. Even as a small child, this book gave me a strange feeling. Kind of a foreboding, even creepy feeling. The funny thing is, the movie trailer did the same thing. The music was so melancholy, and the lighting was dim. I found my heart pounding almost right out of my chest.

I realized that this feeling is some of what I have been living this last year. Of course the first four months were indescribable amounts of pain, but a lot of it is this kind of skin crawling, dark, creepy, sadness. I'm sure that some of you reading this post will think that I have officially gone off my rocker, and have loved this book. I guess that I have always had a crazy imagination. You should see my dreams sometime, now that is entertainment!

Fireworks

2009-07-20T15:24:00.003-06:00

Last night we were invited to my brother and sister-in-law's for a bar-b-que and fireworks. Weber State was doing their annual pop's concert, and they are always followed with a nice firework show. Spence lives pretty close to the light show, so the night was quite a hit. The kids and dad's all went up to the roof to get a better view. You can't get better than that, hoards of children on a roof.

As we left to go home, we bobbed and weaved in and out of the thousands of milling families returning to their houses and cars. I couldn't help but think of last year's fireworks. John was the master at maneuvering the stroller through the sea of people at top speeds. He would glance back at me with a huge smile on his face, that was nothing short of magical. I remember thinking that night about how in love with him I was, and how lucky I was to have found him. I have had so many experiences like that throughout our life together, you know the whole "I can't believe that I am really this happy!" I am so glad that I have those kind of experiences to fall back on. When I lay in bed at night, so sad and alone, those are the memories that I treasure.

Here are a few of my fav pics of John and his beautiful smile.

Chicken Chet

2009-07-15T09:13:00.000-06:00

Introducing.............Chicken Chet, my new nemesis. You can't tell from this picture, but this little jerk is six inches tall. At first he was so cute, a tiny little rooster. Then he was funny when he started to crow that wimpy falsetto cackle. Then he started to get the slightest bit bold, you know following you all around the yard while crowing constantly. Finally, Sunday he made his move. I went out to the garden to harvest some zucchini when something landed on my back. I knocked him off of me, but he kept coming back for more. I booted him four times in the chest with my foot, and that just ticked him off. Now I can't even imagine the scene from the neighbours point of view, but it was a death match for me and Chicken Chet. I managed at last to throw my freshly picked zucchini at the little devil and I ran like the dickens.

Once safely inside the house, and after I caught my breath I realized two things. One, this is MY house, and two, Chicken Chet is going down!

Saga to be continued....

The great and terrible road trip.

2009-07-13T15:33:00.001-06:00

My cute cousins decided it was high time to have a girls trip, so this weekend we loaded up and drove south. Why south you ask? Is it the 108 degree temp you love? Is it the natural beauty of the desert? Is it the allure of the lights on the strip? No, no. It's the TJ Max. That's right, TJ Max, and Trader Joe's, and Ross, and the Olive Garden, and Target.

Let me tell you, my eyes have been opened to the sheer joy of shopping cheap. These gals are die hards. We literally shopped until we dropped. I have never laughed so hard in all my life. It was nothing short of a miracle. I have spent almost a year in a very dark place fighting my way out. I have always been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but that light always seemed so distant, and sometimes shaded. This weekend gave me a peek into the sunshine. I will be forever grateful to the cousies for that.

This is my beautiful cousin Patty, who set the glamour standard for the trip.

Kiki, and James, ready to rock.

Jamie posing with all the Trader Joe paraphernalia

A quick view into the thunderdome.

Happy Birthday Mom, and Ethan

2009-07-06T23:14:00.000-06:00

So today I'm 34. (I tell people 29) Age has never been something that has bothered me until now. I feel too old, and not old enough all at the same time.

Today also happens to be Ethan's birthday. Ten years ago today, I had my first child. Talk about a birthday present. I remember that there was a sign on my door at the hospital that said, "Happy Birthday Lisa, and baby Ethan!" All the doctors and nurses signed it, and everyone who came to see us at the hospital signed it too. I ran across that sign when we were looking for pictures for the funeral.

How does time sneak by you? When you are in the midst of life, it seems to never end. I wished away so much, in excitement and anticipation for the next step in life. When Ethan was a baby, I couldn't wait until he slept through the night. Then I couldn't wait until he could sit up. Then I couldn't wait until he could crawl, etc. In all my excitement, I missed out on my little baby being a baby.

When John died, I vowed that I wouldn't wish away anything ever again. I told myself that I would enjoy every step, and every challenge like it was a new and wonderful adventure. I'm not saying that it's easy, because it's not. I wanted to just bury myself in the covers today and not answer the phone, and just really feel sorry for myself, but Ethan had other plans. He woke me up at 7:30am wanting to open presents. I made him wait a couple hours. He pushed, and begged, and pushed more to get me to do this or that, or get ready so we could go. I have to admit, it wasn't an easy task for that poor kid to get his mom in the birthday spirit. (It's one thing when it's just your birthday, but when you share it with one of the children, there is no getting out of anything) Finally we got going, and I have to say that I'm so glad that I got out of the house and spent time with my big little man. It turned out to be a pretty great day.

Here are a few shots from the day of festivities

25 Random Things

2009-06-14T23:00:00.000-06:00

Here is a list that got passed around facebook. I forgot about it, but when I happend upon it, I thought I should post it here for posterity. So here goes...

1. I am the only girl in my family, and no that doesn't mean that I was spoiled. I learned to dig, pull hair, punch, kick, and claw with the big boys.
2. I love to do things that no one would expect me to do, ie get a tattoo, or go bungee jumping.
3. I've got all kinds of useless knowledge, I could win millions on a game show, but I can't spell worth a darn.
4. I was once stalked by a mountain lion in the Mt. Ogden foothills. John chased it away and told me it was a cow so that I wouldn't wimp out and keep hiking.
5. I was uncontrollably shy from birth to graduation. Then one day I decided that I didn't want to miss out on life anymore.
6. I have held every single job there is on this planet. I have a very short attention span, and I bore easily. I have also majored in Accounting, Computer Science, Zoology, Nursing, Anthropology (like Indiana Jones), and attended Hair School, have my CNA (Expired), and one day may become a spy.
7. I love to try new foods. My brothers can't believe it because I am pretty picky. I'm really not picky, I'm just a food snob.
8. I wired my house for electricity when I was 5 months pregnant. (no past knowledge there, how hard can it be, you just need wire, a drill, and some wire cutters, right?)
9. My husband John didn't treat me like a baby (see #8). He knew that I could do anything that I put my mind to, and he was always there the support me. He felt the same with the kids. When Ethan was two, he took him out to haul hay with him, and taught him how to drive the four wheeler so they could do the job faster.
10. I am scared of the word widow. I never wanted to be one, at least I thought I would have wrinkles and osteoporosis before it would be one. I also don't like the word single, so I call myself a woman in charge.
11. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will see John again. I also know that he hasn't really left me. I have experienced daily miracles, and I have felt his touch and heard his voice.
12. I'm a lot stronger than everyone gives me credit for. I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.
13. I love to teach. I have classes at my house twice a month on cooking, sewing, emergency preparedness, or anything that I feel is in need.
14. I have an amazing group of friends, and family, which is why I am so strong.
15. I love to laugh. Anything or anyone that can make me laugh is golden. (Uncle Dave)
16. I love to learn. I spend my free time researching whatever subject interests me that day.
17. I love to cook. I think I'm fairly descent at it, although my kids don't like food, and with John gone, there aren't many people to cook for.
18. I'm pretty quick witted two days after an incident. I come from a family of very funny people, and that trait skipped me completely. It's a real bummer at family parties, but boy I'll burn you tomorrow.
19. I am head over heels in love with my iphone.
20. I think that Coke comes to us straight from heaven.
21. I don't like chocolate, and I wonder why people think that chocolate is a cure all. Bee sting, here's chocolate. Car broke down, here's chocolate. Lost your job, have some chocolate. What happened to a Swedish fish a day, I think that's how that analogy goes anyway.
22. I love my three kids will all of my heart and soul, but I still want to put them on a short bus to the loony bin every now and then.
23. I hate Brad Pitt!!! No reason, I just need to place anger somewhere, and he gets it.
24. I want to learn how to box, kick box, and learn martial arts.
25. I want to run a marathon. Stop with the laughing, it could happen.

St. George

2009-06-14T11:54:00.000-06:00

My family and I just got back from the warm and rain free town of St. George Utah. Oh what a week. The sun was shining, the desert landscape was brilliant, the kids were happy, and I let the sun do some much needed healing.

The drive was not bad considering the three wild animals in the back asking for potty breaks, and chanting ... "are we there yet?". The scenery is so interesting, because you move rather quickly through the beautiful mountains, and into the desert withing a few short hours. Mother nature didn't pull any stops. Wildflowers lined the roadway, the clouds were depicting flying elephants, sea turtles, and yo gabba gabba characters. It was nothing short of heaven. I guess that's why I felt John so close to me. There were times that I had to physically turn to look behind me to see if he was there. I was taking a million pictures thinking that I couldn't wait to get home to show him. I haven't had this hard of a time accepting that he is gone since the first few months after the accident.

Facing the drive home was hard. I had little to no sleep the whole trip, because a little know phenomenon called vacationitis. For some unknown reason, every time we travel anywhere my beautiful children catch swine flu, monkeyitis, tuberculosis, and a major case of the gags. This means that they cough, hack, gag, and eventually throw up their entire stomach contents on expensive linens, and carpeting. So because of the theatrics of the TB ward, there was no sleep to be had, and a six to ten hour drive to face depending on potty breaks. This is when I found myself in the throws of self-pity.

"Why do I have to do this all by myself?"
"Why do I only get 12 years of happiness?"
"Why did this happen to my family, and not to jerks like Brad Pitt?" (I love to throw Brad Pitt in there, cause he bugs me with his jet setting, abundant wealth, and carefree life.)
"Why don't I get to grow old with the love of my life?"

Even though I was feeling such despair, I knew that everything was going to be OK. I knew that John was there with us. I knew that he was looking out for us. I knew that my Savior had me by the hand and was leading me and my family to a safe place. I know that this life is only temporary, and the trials that we are given are there to help us to grow and become the people that we are meant to be. I have already seen such a change in my little family. We have learned to rely on each other, as well as all of those loving people in our lives that were sent here to make this difficult time a little bit easier. I know that even though I will still have the poor me moments, I will always have the faith that has grown leaps and bounds to get me through even the darkest times.

Golf, Cafe Rio, and buckets of tears

2009-06-03T21:57:00.000-06:00

I have spent several weeks really feeling sorry for myself. I miss John so much, and I can't believe he is gone. I remember how he use to smell. I remember every little part of his strong hands. I remember what his arms felt like around me. How can I get on with my life when I can remember all of that like it was yesterday?

I have spent a lot of time thinking about that. What I have come up with is, I don't want to forget those things! I want every last detail to stay forever ingrained into my memory. I worried so much after the crash that I would forget everything, and now I see that it is a blessing that I remember. It makes some things hard, but thank goodness that I'm not going to lose him.

His headstone was delivered last month, Averie, and Ashton both had birthdays, and somehow I got through it all. When I look back, I'm pretty impressed that I made it. I think that the Lord steps in when it's really hard puts the blinders on a bit. That's the only way it could work. He doesn't do it all for you, but he takes the edge off at just the right time.

I was cleaning up today, and found John's wallet. He has about 4 free meals at Cafe Rio, golf passes, frequent shopper punch passes, and a million other silly John items. I stood there and sobbed. How can something so concrete exist when he isn't here any more. It's so hard to deal with any of his things. I have kept all his clothes and shoes exactly where they were before. I don't know why I do it, I guess I'm still waiting for him to come home. His car still sits in the garage waiting for him to wash it.

Oh, man! Cryfest 09. I really hate to write about stuff like this, because I don't want people to think that I sit and stew all day everyday. I really don't. I consider myself a pretty positive person, and most of the time I can convince myself that everything is ok, but there is that every now and then moment where it hits me. I feel like I would be doing a diservice to myself and my kids if I just wrote all the warm fuzzies and skip the painful stuff. I want them to know that it was hard, it was painful, it was the most saddness I have ever known. I want them to know that I miss and love their dad, and I want to remind myself that though it is hard, I am healing.

Oh quick update...Ethan and Ashton both won the photography contest! They both won first in their age group, and the took 1st and 2nd overall! Wow, what a proud mom am I. I will post pics as soon as I locate my camera cord.

Inspiration

2009-04-30T22:54:00.000-06:00

It's interesting how our Father in Heaven works. I have experienced eight months of the kind of hell that I wouldn't wish on Bin Laden, and yet the blessings and tiny angel kisses that we have recieved as a family have been overwhelming. Every single night I crawl into a lonley, empty bed. This is when I am the most vulnerable. I look at the picture of John that I have hanging on the wall across from my bed, and I weep. For some reason, this always prompts me to grab his scriptures, and randomly choose a page to read. Without fail I turn to the EXACT counsil that I need at that moment.

How does he do it? Silly question to ask don't you think? He's the Almighty for crying out loud. But still, does He really know me, and know what I need in my time of need? I will answer as candidly as possible. YES!!! I know without a shadow of a doubt that He loves me. I know that He is aware of my sorrow, my pain, my loneliness, and my fear. I know, because He felt them too. I know, because I would never leave anyone alone to go through what I have gone through, and still going through.

He has surrounded me with the most amazing people (angels). When I am really struggling, I will find a plate of cookies at the door, a note in the mail, a phone call from a friend, or a handy man with lots of tools will ask what he can do to help. Sometimes, inspiration comes from complete strangers, and their words of faith, and courage. I thank all of those who have had such a profound impact on my life, and the lives of my children.

School Contest

2009-04-19T12:53:00.000-06:00

On Friday the boys entered a contest at school. It is called the inspirations contest. Every year Ethan has wanted to enter, but for some reason or another (procrastination, lack of direction, plain laziness) he never entered. Well we (I) decided that this year would be different. E wanted to hike to the "M" and take a picture of the whole valley. Great concept in thought. So E and Ash pack their little back packs and hike up to the "M".

I was so proud that they actually made it up. When they got back, I grabbed the camera to load to pictures on the computer. Low and behold, the child took one picture, count them, ONE!
And did I mention blurry?

"Dude, it's a digital camera! You take pictures until you can't anymore."

"Well, it's OK" Notice the drive for success

So the days march on and Friday quickly approaches. Mistakenly I told Ethan that he could go to a friends house after school. When I realized my mistake, I called him and told him to come home so we could finish the project. Tears, feet stomping, and a little tizzy fit later, he came home to work on the project.
Here is the final product. Pretty cute huh?

So at 7pm, we're finally getting dinner, and getting ready to run to Ogden to get the prints, and Ashton says...

"I wanted to enter the contest!"

(AHHHHHHHHHHHH)
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10

That was me regaining composer.

"Sure bud, what do you want to take a picture of?"

"I will take a picture of my hand!"

Well that is a natural progression of thought. Ethan takes a picture of his foot, naturally Ashton should take a picture of his hand.

So here it is, and super cute if I do say so myself.

Strange Stowaways

2009-04-15T19:03:00.000-06:00

The other day I was about my daily cleaning chores, when something seemed amiss. The garage door was open. I peeked out to see if the little kids were in the garage. Nope, no kids in the garage. So on I went with my tasks. Soon I walked upstairs where Averie and her little friend Brawny were playing. As I walked passed them, there seemed to be a strange noise coming from Averie's purse.

Tweet, Tweet, Tweet

Hummmm!

Averie, do you have something in your purse?

No, she says as she backs away from me

Peep, Peep, Peep

Averie, do you have a baby chick in your purse?!?

You see, a week earlier we bought some baby chicks. They were brooding happily in the garage under nice warm lights. Wow, it's starting to all come together now. The garage door open, the kids playing quietly. How did they pull this off? I can usually spot something like this a mile away.

Peep, Peep, Peep
Tweet, Tweet, Tweet

Averie, let me check your purse! As she races down the hall, and I barrel after her. Mystery solved, sure enough...baby chick in the purse.

Crying and throwing an all out fit, Averie screams, "I just want one in my room!"

"You can't have one in your room, they need to be under the lights."

"Well, when they get big can I have one in my room?"

So you can see how life is always interesting with a little Averie around.

Eggs, Candy, and Why a bunny?

2009-04-14T17:39:00.000-06:00

Easter came at us with a bang. The kids woke up early, like Santa had come a second time. Unfortunately their mother doesn't believe in the commercialization of the Easter Bunny. Now, don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with some candy in the Easter Basket, I just don't think that a kid needs a bike on every holiday.

So, even though there were no bikes, Nintendo games, or gadgets, the kids had a blast. They buzzed around the house, high on sugar, and joy. It's so nice to see them really having fun together. We discussed the true meaning of Easter, and my kids are probably the youngest in history to really grasp the concept of the Resurrection. Ashton told Averie all about how Dad is going to be alive again, and how he can't wait to see him. Her eyes lit up, and they went on and on about when it would happen, and how it would happen, and what daddy would look like.

Understandably, they day was filled with emotion. Not just because we missed John, but because we are beginning to grasp the concept of the Atonement. Our Savior suffered the same pain that we are suffering, he knows that we feel alone and abandoned, but he is always here for us. He broke the bands of death, so that we can live together again as a family. I have thought about the merriment that filled the heavens when the Savior had accomplished this daunting task. I can see myself jumping, singing, crying, and loving my sweet Johnny, knowing that our short separation would be just that short. TOGETHER FOREVER!!!

Averie

2009-03-28T10:39:00.000-06:00

I thought that I would throw in a few "Averieisms" for the day. The other morning she came crying into my room, saying she had a scary dream. After asking, she said that in her dream, she was arrested, and taken to jail.

"Why did you have to go to jail?"

Averie: "Just cause I peed my pants! That mean police man was so so so rude."

To move the story forward, this morning most of the kids were doing their jobs. Averie was sitting on the floor eating popcorn like a little princess, when she started crying out of the blue.

"Why are you crying?"

Averie: "My arm, my arm, my arm. My arm is hurting so way bad!"

"Oh no, what did you do to your arm?"

Averie: "It's way hungry and it need popsicles." She said with a half smile, "Can we go to the store and get some?"

She finishes that statement with a facial expression that can do nothing but make milk shoot through your nose. I tryed to capture the image for time and all eternity. Those who have been fortunate enough to see this expression know exactly what I am talking about. So here goes.

Goals for 2009

2009-03-27T21:38:00.000-06:00

I read once that the best way to be happy is to tell yourself that you are happy. Well that seems to have been my lives philosophy even before John died. The power of the mind is such that anything you believe to be possible, is. I guess that's why I have such faith in the plan of salvation. I know it is true, because how could I have gotten along for seven months without my reason for living?

So with that said, I have a list of goals for the year. I hope that each of these will not only ground me, but help me and my family to enjoy the journey through the rest of this life.

Read my scriptures everyday
Pray
Watch the sunset
Take Pictures
Have picnics with the kids
Wear skirts on the weekday
Explore new places
Play with the kids, leave the dishes
Make a new tradition
Control how much I worry
Go to bed earlier
Watch the sunrise
Learn my place in this new world
Encourage the kids creativity
Laugh, really laugh
Be happy
Be able to express my feeling better face to face
Ride a motorcycle
Run
Become a Woman at the Well

These are just a few, off the top of my head. Heavenly Father has shown me over and over that he is there, and that he knows and loves me, ME! I know that he would never take my husband, and the kids father, and not provide a way for us. Sometimes it's a struggle, but as long as I allow him to lead me, I know that we'll be safe. I don't know what's in store down the road for us, but I do know that I must be something great, ordinary people aren't blessed this much for no reason.

Here goes nothing

2009-03-26T20:10:00.000-06:00

After much pushing, and prodding, I made the leap to blogging. Hopefully this will allow for a healing outlet to me, and maybe others can learn a little from my journey through the darkness of grief.
I'll give a little synopsis. On August 24, 2008, my beautiful, perfect husband of almost eleven years was killed in a plane crash. He and a few colleagues from Focus Communications were on a humanitarian service trip in Guatemala, when the charter plane that were flying in experienced engine failure and crashed. There were initially four survivors. One girl Sarah walked away with bumps and bruises. Her mother April was severly burned and spent many months in a burn unit. Dan's legs were crushed and still experiences great pain when trying to get around. And Liz, who was severly burned and who experienced trama injuries, died several hours after the crash. There were eleven in all that died in the crash, Alan, and Zach Jensen, Javier, and Walfred Rabinales, Lydia Silva, Jeff Reppe, Cody Odekirk, Liz Johnson, the pilot and co-pilot, and my love John Carter.