Fireworks

Last night we were invited to my brother and sister-in-law's for a bar-b-que and fireworks. Weber State was doing their annual pop's concert, and they are always followed with a nice firework show. Spence lives pretty close to the light show, so the night was quite a hit. The kids and dad's all went up to the roof to get a better view. You can't get better than that, hoards of children on a roof.

As we left to go home, we bobbed and weaved in and out of the thousands of milling families returning to their houses and cars. I couldn't help but think of last year's fireworks. John was the master at maneuvering the stroller through the sea of people at top speeds. He would glance back at me with a huge smile on his face, that was nothing short of magical. I remember thinking that night about how in love with him I was, and how lucky I was to have found him. I have had so many experiences like that throughout our life together, you know the whole "I can't believe that I am really this happy!" I am so glad that I have those kind of experiences to fall back on. When I lay in bed at night, so sad and alone, those are the memories that I treasure.

Here are a few of my fav pics of John and his beautiful smile.

Chicken Chet

Introducing.............Chicken Chet, my new nemesis. You can't tell from this picture, but this little jerk is six inches tall. At first he was so cute, a tiny little rooster. Then he was funny when he started to crow that wimpy falsetto cackle. Then he started to get the slightest bit bold, you know following you all around the yard while crowing constantly. Finally, Sunday he made his move. I went out to the garden to harvest some zucchini when something landed on my back. I knocked him off of me, but he kept coming back for more. I booted him four times in the chest with my foot, and that just ticked him off. Now I can't even imagine the scene from the neighbours point of view, but it was a death match for me and Chicken Chet. I managed at last to throw my freshly picked zucchini at the little devil and I ran like the dickens.

Once safely inside the house, and after I caught my breath I realized two things. One, this is MY house, and two, Chicken Chet is going down!

Saga to be continued....

The great and terrible road trip.

My cute cousins decided it was high time to have a girls trip, so this weekend we loaded up and drove south. Why south you ask? Is it the 108 degree temp you love? Is it the natural beauty of the desert? Is it the allure of the lights on the strip? No, no. It's the TJ Max. That's right, TJ Max, and Trader Joe's, and Ross, and the Olive Garden, and Target.

Let me tell you, my eyes have been opened to the sheer joy of shopping cheap. These gals are die hards. We literally shopped until we dropped. I have never laughed so hard in all my life. It was nothing short of a miracle. I have spent almost a year in a very dark place fighting my way out. I have always been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but that light always seemed so distant, and sometimes shaded. This weekend gave me a peek into the sunshine. I will be forever grateful to the cousies for that.















This is my beautiful cousin Patty, who set the glamour standard for the trip.













Kiki, and James, ready to rock.













Jamie posing with all the Trader Joe paraphernalia














A quick view into the thunderdome.

Happy Birthday Mom, and Ethan

So today I'm 34. (I tell people 29) Age has never been something that has bothered me until now. I feel too old, and not old enough all at the same time.

Today also happens to be Ethan's birthday. Ten years ago today, I had my first child. Talk about a birthday present. I remember that there was a sign on my door at the hospital that said, "Happy Birthday Lisa, and baby Ethan!" All the doctors and nurses signed it, and everyone who came to see us at the hospital signed it too. I ran across that sign when we were looking for pictures for the funeral.

How does time sneak by you? When you are in the midst of life, it seems to never end. I wished away so much, in excitement and anticipation for the next step in life. When Ethan was a baby, I couldn't wait until he slept through the night. Then I couldn't wait until he could sit up. Then I couldn't wait until he could crawl, etc. In all my excitement, I missed out on my little baby being a baby.

When John died, I vowed that I wouldn't wish away anything ever again. I told myself that I would enjoy every step, and every challenge like it was a new and wonderful adventure. I'm not saying that it's easy, because it's not. I wanted to just bury myself in the covers today and not answer the phone, and just really feel sorry for myself, but Ethan had other plans. He woke me up at 7:30am wanting to open presents. I made him wait a couple hours. He pushed, and begged, and pushed more to get me to do this or that, or get ready so we could go. I have to admit, it wasn't an easy task for that poor kid to get his mom in the birthday spirit. (It's one thing when it's just your birthday, but when you share it with one of the children, there is no getting out of anything) Finally we got going, and I have to say that I'm so glad that I got out of the house and spent time with my big little man. It turned out to be a pretty great day.

Here are a few shots from the day of festivities

25 Random Things

Here is a list that got passed around facebook. I forgot about it, but when I happend upon it, I thought I should post it here for posterity. So here goes...

1. I am the only girl in my family, and no that doesn't mean that I was spoiled. I learned to dig, pull hair, punch, kick, and claw with the big boys.
2. I love to do things that no one would expect me to do, ie get a tattoo, or go bungee jumping.
3. I've got all kinds of useless knowledge, I could win millions on a game show, but I can't spell worth a darn.
4. I was once stalked by a mountain lion in the Mt. Ogden foothills. John chased it away and told me it was a cow so that I wouldn't wimp out and keep hiking.
5. I was uncontrollably shy from birth to graduation. Then one day I decided that I didn't want to miss out on life anymore.
6. I have held every single job there is on this planet. I have a very short attention span, and I bore easily. I have also majored in Accounting, Computer Science, Zoology, Nursing, Anthropology (like Indiana Jones), and attended Hair School, have my CNA (Expired), and one day may become a spy.
7. I love to try new foods. My brothers can't believe it because I am pretty picky. I'm really not picky, I'm just a food snob.
8. I wired my house for electricity when I was 5 months pregnant. (no past knowledge there, how hard can it be, you just need wire, a drill, and some wire cutters, right?)
9. My husband John didn't treat me like a baby (see #8). He knew that I could do anything that I put my mind to, and he was always there the support me. He felt the same with the kids. When Ethan was two, he took him out to haul hay with him, and taught him how to drive the four wheeler so they could do the job faster.
10. I am scared of the word widow. I never wanted to be one, at least I thought I would have wrinkles and osteoporosis before it would be one. I also don't like the word single, so I call myself a woman in charge.
11. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will see John again. I also know that he hasn't really left me. I have experienced daily miracles, and I have felt his touch and heard his voice.
12. I'm a lot stronger than everyone gives me credit for. I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.
13. I love to teach. I have classes at my house twice a month on cooking, sewing, emergency preparedness, or anything that I feel is in need.
14. I have an amazing group of friends, and family, which is why I am so strong.
15. I love to laugh. Anything or anyone that can make me laugh is golden. (Uncle Dave)
16. I love to learn. I spend my free time researching whatever subject interests me that day.
17. I love to cook. I think I'm fairly descent at it, although my kids don't like food, and with John gone, there aren't many people to cook for.
18. I'm pretty quick witted two days after an incident. I come from a family of very funny people, and that trait skipped me completely. It's a real bummer at family parties, but boy I'll burn you tomorrow.
19. I am head over heels in love with my iphone.
20. I think that Coke comes to us straight from heaven.
21. I don't like chocolate, and I wonder why people think that chocolate is a cure all. Bee sting, here's chocolate. Car broke down, here's chocolate. Lost your job, have some chocolate. What happened to a Swedish fish a day, I think that's how that analogy goes anyway.
22. I love my three kids will all of my heart and soul, but I still want to put them on a short bus to the loony bin every now and then.
23. I hate Brad Pitt!!! No reason, I just need to place anger somewhere, and he gets it.
24. I want to learn how to box, kick box, and learn martial arts.
25. I want to run a marathon. Stop with the laughing, it could happen.

St. George

My family and I just got back from the warm and rain free town of St. George Utah. Oh what a week. The sun was shining, the desert landscape was brilliant, the kids were happy, and I let the sun do some much needed healing.

The drive was not bad considering the three wild animals in the back asking for potty breaks, and chanting ... "are we there yet?". The scenery is so interesting, because you move rather quickly through the beautiful mountains, and into the desert withing a few short hours. Mother nature didn't pull any stops. Wildflowers lined the roadway, the clouds were depicting flying elephants, sea turtles, and yo gabba gabba characters. It was nothing short of heaven. I guess that's why I felt John so close to me. There were times that I had to physically turn to look behind me to see if he was there. I was taking a million pictures thinking that I couldn't wait to get home to show him. I haven't had this hard of a time accepting that he is gone since the first few months after the accident.

Facing the drive home was hard. I had little to no sleep the whole trip, because a little know phenomenon called vacationitis. For some unknown reason, every time we travel anywhere my beautiful children catch swine flu, monkeyitis, tuberculosis, and a major case of the gags. This means that they cough, hack, gag, and eventually throw up their entire stomach contents on expensive linens, and carpeting. So because of the theatrics of the TB ward, there was no sleep to be had, and a six to ten hour drive to face depending on potty breaks. This is when I found myself in the throws of self-pity.

"Why do I have to do this all by myself?"
"Why do I only get 12 years of happiness?"
"Why did this happen to my family, and not to jerks like Brad Pitt?" (I love to throw Brad Pitt in there, cause he bugs me with his jet setting, abundant wealth, and carefree life.)
"Why don't I get to grow old with the love of my life?"

Even though I was feeling such despair, I knew that everything was going to be OK. I knew that John was there with us. I knew that he was looking out for us. I knew that my Savior had me by the hand and was leading me and my family to a safe place. I know that this life is only temporary, and the trials that we are given are there to help us to grow and become the people that we are meant to be. I have already seen such a change in my little family. We have learned to rely on each other, as well as all of those loving people in our lives that were sent here to make this difficult time a little bit easier. I know that even though I will still have the poor me moments, I will always have the faith that has grown leaps and bounds to get me through even the darkest times.

Golf, Cafe Rio, and buckets of tears

I have spent several weeks really feeling sorry for myself. I miss John so much, and I can't believe he is gone. I remember how he use to smell. I remember every little part of his strong hands. I remember what his arms felt like around me. How can I get on with my life when I can remember all of that like it was yesterday?

I have spent a lot of time thinking about that. What I have come up with is, I don't want to forget those things! I want every last detail to stay forever ingrained into my memory. I worried so much after the crash that I would forget everything, and now I see that it is a blessing that I remember. It makes some things hard, but thank goodness that I'm not going to lose him.

His headstone was delivered last month, Averie, and Ashton both had birthdays, and somehow I got through it all. When I look back, I'm pretty impressed that I made it. I think that the Lord steps in when it's really hard puts the blinders on a bit. That's the only way it could work. He doesn't do it all for you, but he takes the edge off at just the right time.

I was cleaning up today, and found John's wallet. He has about 4 free meals at Cafe Rio, golf passes, frequent shopper punch passes, and a million other silly John items. I stood there and sobbed. How can something so concrete exist when he isn't here any more. It's so hard to deal with any of his things. I have kept all his clothes and shoes exactly where they were before. I don't know why I do it, I guess I'm still waiting for him to come home. His car still sits in the garage waiting for him to wash it.

Oh, man! Cryfest 09. I really hate to write about stuff like this, because I don't want people to think that I sit and stew all day everyday. I really don't. I consider myself a pretty positive person, and most of the time I can convince myself that everything is ok, but there is that every now and then moment where it hits me. I feel like I would be doing a diservice to myself and my kids if I just wrote all the warm fuzzies and skip the painful stuff. I want them to know that it was hard, it was painful, it was the most saddness I have ever known. I want them to know that I miss and love their dad, and I want to remind myself that though it is hard, I am healing.

Oh quick update...Ethan and Ashton both won the photography contest! They both won first in their age group, and the took 1st and 2nd overall! Wow, what a proud mom am I. I will post pics as soon as I locate my camera cord.