Hallelujah

Well Christmas is over...HALLELUJAH!!!!! The kids had a wonderful holiday. They have been in a candy, toy, electronic induced stupor even into the day after Christmas. Oh to be a kid, where magic is real, all your dreams come true, and an old fat man in a red suit sneaks in and leaves gifts a plenty. (That actually sounds pretty creepy, when you think about it)

I am thankful for all those who have helped me and my little family through the last sixteen months, but especially through the last few holidays. It's been really hard, and there are only a few people that would understand the exact degree of difficulty. In fact, I sit here now, physically sick with sadness. There are times that I wonder if my heart will actually survive, and not in the emotional sense, but the actual ability to continue to beat sense.

I wish there was a magic pill that would take all the pain away. If I could invent such a thing, I would be wealthy beyond Bill Gates standards. The problem is, the pain is there to teach us what is really important in life.

Hollywood makes family seem like a thing that we are saddled with when we are either irresponsible, or finally done having fun. And then, it's easily expendable, just get a good pre-nup and attorney and your good to go. However, if that is the case, then why is it so painful when a family falls apart? Why is it that when one family member is no longer here, there is a gaping hole that threatens to swallow you whole.

My testimony of family had grown infinitely through the loss of my sweetheart. I know that what we had here on this earth will continue into the eternities, but I miss him so much that the pain makes me make certain promises to myself about the things that I will do for the rest of this life and on and on. Here are a few of those promises.

• Say "I Love You" to everyone that I do love, as much as possible
• Hug more
• Pay attention to the small moments of life, they are the most important
• Acknowledge feelings for what they are, and deal with them appropriately.
• Stop worrying about what others think of me, only worry about what the Lord and my family thinks of me.
• Take time to watch a movie with the kids
• Read together as a family
• Laugh as often as you can, even if you have to make up an excuse.
• Make sure that the important people in your life know that they are important
• Trust your instincts, they are a gift of the spirit, and they won't lead you astray.

This list could go on for an eternity. It actually has a lot of bullet points for marriage, but I will leave those out for now, they're just too painful.

Merry Christmas

Dreams

Ok, so here we go. I'm about to unload some crazy dreaming on you, you ready? I woke up this morning with a surge of adrenalin. I am somewhat known for my crazy dreams, ask anyone. (except my dad, he hates when I tell my dreams) Usually the dreams are really just entertainment for me, apparently my psyche needs to be entertained at all times of the day and night. However, last night was different. Let me lay it out for you. I was in a very tense situation, bad guys everywhere, and there I was climbing higher and higher up this crazy scary contraption. I don't really know the point of all of that, but here is where it gets interesting. There was a man there to save me. The only way he could help was for me to climb all the way up to the very precipice of the structure. Once there, I had to turn around and sit on this tiny ledge several hundred feet above the ground. The tower swayed, and there was nothing to hold on to. Just thinking of it makes my heart pound. Behind me was this man who kept telling me to trust him, and not to worry. He very carefully offered his hand, and with little effort helped me to safety. I remember having such an internal struggle with whether or not to trust this man. It was literally die alone, or trust this person to help you live. I know, you are probably thinking I watch way too much James Bond. I can't stop thinking that the dream has a deeper meaning. In fact I have made two conclusions.

1. I don't have to do it all on my own. There is someone out there who can help on this earthly sphere if I just open myself up and trust.
   
2. I'm not alone. My savior is always there for me. Sometimes, I have to do scary things, and it seems like I'm doing them all by myself, but really he's right behind me ready to catch. I still have to do my part, but the protection is always there.

Hmmmm, isn't it cool that even in the midst of bad guys, and death defying acts, the savior is always with us, and there is always a lesson to be learned. P.S. Please don't bug me about my run on sentences, it's early and my brain is still nigh night.

Holidays

Oh, how the holidays are upon us.

The snow,

the lights,

the food


Normally, that's enough for a great year. Now, I wish I could skip it. All that I can think of is being alone. The kids are missing him more than ever, which makes it so much harder on me.

I have all these great daydreams of being in a coma till May, however with the slim chance there, I have to make preparations for my children to have a great memory this year. Even with John gone, the kids deserve a beautiful holiday.

I have often given thanks for my sweet children. Without them, I don't need to carry on. I could curl up and just let the years pass. But with them, I can see the light. I know that it will be hard, and painful, and frustrating at times. I know that the ache in my heart will always be there. I know that I will be faced with tough decisions that will have to be made on my own, but I also know that it will be worth it. I know that my family will be protected. I know that one day, this pain will subside, we wont be alone, and we will feel whole again.

For now, I just put on a brave face, suck it up, show my kids that they are loved, and hope for a better tomorrow.

Faith Precedes the Miracle

I was given the opportunity last weekend to speak to the Laurels of the stake. It was such a beautiful experience. There is something about being around those young women that seems to recharge my battery. Here's a portion of the talk. I thought it turned out pretty good. I can always tell when divine intervention is involved, because it always sounds smarter than I could make it myself.

I’m so thankful for this experience to speak to you beautiful young women. You have such a wonderful spirit about you. I was asked to speak to you about How my faith is Jesus Christ has helped me through life’s trials.

I guess I should start by giving some background. (plane crash)

Trials and Faith:

Everyone in this life will experience trials. They are there to humble us, and teach us. There are two responses that people have to trials. 1. Cry and whine, and say woe is me. This is the pity party attitude. 2. Is to suck it up, look beyond the trial itself and try to see the miracles that are going on around you.

I find that my mind is pretty powerful, so it is important that I look at things in a positive light. For instance when I was younger I could get a headache just by hearing the word. So, whenever I’m faced with something that I may think is hard, I have to tell myself that It’s really not hard, just time consuming. I do this same thing with trials. So we are going to change trials to trails…TRIALS and TRAILS. The word is nearly the same, just two letters are flipped. Now we are looking at a set of trails, instead of a set of trials. How do we know which trail to take? Well we probably need a few tools with us so that we don’t get lost.

· Compass- Faith - In Nephi’s time, they were given a compass that would only show them the way if they exercised their faith.

· Map – Scriptures – The scriptures truly are Gods way of speaking to us, all we need to do is study them, and they will show us the way.

· Warning Signs – The holy ghost -When we learn to listen to that still small voice, we will be able to avoid trouble, and the pit falls of life.

Now if we can look at that trial as a journey, suddenly our outlook changes from why did this have to happen, to what can I learn from this.

I believe that our family was prepared for the loss of John through inspiration. I also believe that because of our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, we listened, and acted upon the promptings that were given, and as a result we were blessed beyond measure. We were set on a trail that lead us to friends, family, neighbors, and acquaintances that have allowed for the exact kind of support that we needed to help us through this difficult time.

So, I want to stop there and talk about Faith. I have been asked, “How has your faith grown because of your experience?” This question has really given me pause, and I have thought about it even more since being asked to speak tonight. The answer that I have come up with is this…I have always had faith that my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are here for me. I have always known that the gospel is completely true. I have always known that Christ Atoned for me. So my faith was always there. What I have learned since the accident is that Faith Precedes the Miracle. The miracle being the simple fact that my family and I have survived the unthinkable, and in fact, we have not only survived, but we have thrived.

There is a scripture in 1 Nephi that I love. 1 Nephi 7:12 Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him.

http://scriptures.lds.org

How many times do we forget? I know that I forget more often than not. We get busy in our lives and we forget that ALL things are possible, not SOME, but ALL as long we exercise faith in him. Our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ love us more that we can know, and all they want for us is happiness. That’s why it’s called the plan of Happiness, not the plan of sorrow, or the plan of frustration, or the plan of loneliness. We need to exercise faith, that they know what they are doing, and that if we follow our trail, that we will end up where we need to be.

Faith is not something that is going to swoop in and save the day after being ignored. Faith needs to be our foundation, and then with that sturdy foundation, our structure can weather any storm.

I heard a wonderful story about this from a friend of mine. She said that she was in the mall one day, and noticed the gardener was violently shaking the trees as she went around watering them. My friend though to herself, “I wonder what is going on there?” This strange though stayed with her for several days, and then she realized that with the indoor shelter that these trees had, they had no reason to lay down deep roots. In nature, when the wind blows, and the weather changes, trees will instinctively force their roots deeper into the earth to protect themselves, and ensure their survival. Have you noticed the trees at the bottom of the canyon? The wind has constantly blown and forced them to grow at an angel, but they are alive and thriving in that environment, because they have been forced to develop enough strength to survive where they were planted. The trees indoor, have none of those natural forces, so the gardener was shaking the tree to force it to protect itself, and become more hardy.

The wind doesn’t blow the same on all of us. The storm may rage in one place, and not another, but we are all out in the weather. Each of us are here on this earth for a propose. We were chosen for that purpose before we were born, and I believe that trails are merely a way for us to realize our full potential in life.

I know that I will see my sweet John again. I know that the veil is thin. I know that, though it is really hard now, that it will become easier. I know that we are protected through the holy ghost and priesthood blessing. I know that my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ love me, and want me to succeed. I have often wondered about what my life would be like now if this hadn’t happened, but I have realized that with all the promises and blessings and knowledge that my family and I have received, there has come a sacred knowledge of faith, the plan of salvation, and the role of families in our lives, that I would never want to be without that knowledge.

All Hallows Eve

Well we made it through our sugar induced coma's long enough to post a few pics. I must say that I was not Johnny on the spot with the camera this year, so you'll have to use your imagination.

Here's Ruby the Demon from Supernatural. Let me tell you, the more you have to explain a costume, the less fun it is.


Here's Commander Cody. The boys are a little too taken with Star Wars.


Here is little miss sassy pants the witch! If that girl isn't just a little poser.


Captain Rex, leader of the Carter kids.

We started our trick-or-treating at 4 o'clock, and didn't get home until around 9. Now that is die hard treat gathering. Now if I knew what to do with the 40lbs of candy...

Sleep?

As I sit procrastinating sleep, I wonder why does it have to be so hard sometimes? I realize that I don't want to sleep, because in my dreams everything is normal. John is back, if only for a few minutes. Then I wake up and my heart breaks all over again. I don't know how long I can handle the pain. Everyone says that time will heal all wounds. That is true to a degree, but I don't think there will come a time that I don't have John on my mind. I don't know that there will be a day when my heart doesn't ache for him.

I find that I really compare myself to others in my grief. I have known of a few people to lose spouses over this past fourteen months, and for some reason I feel like I should be handling things the same way that they are. It's stupid, I know. Not every situation is the same, not every relationship is the same, not every person is the same, so why do I think I can compare?

All that I know for sure is, I miss him. I know that I'm here by myself with sick kids. I know that I'm lonely. I know that as much as I love him, I have to move forward. I know that he can't move forward until I do.

Those revelations are easy said, but not easily accepted. I want to give my burdens to the Savior and move ahead, but I just don't know how. I think that deep down I'm being punished, and I don't know how to get passed that feeling. I feel like John was taken away because I didn't deserve him or our life together. Pathetic, I know. The mind is a powerful thing, and mine is twisting me and turning me, and I really have to concentrate to figure which way is up. I know in my head that it was just an accident, but my heart sometimes has a mind of it's own.

I keep thinking about a dream John told me about. It was when Ethan was a baby, so we had been married for about two years. He woke up really upset, and it took him a while to settle down and tell me about the dream. He said that some men came to take him away from us. He didn't think they were bad men, they just said that we couldn't be together anymore. He tried to get away, but they were too strong, they wouldn't even let him kiss us goodbye. He was so upset for a long time, and now that stupid dream is all I think about. I wonder if that was a little heads up to us. Why is it that we don't get to grow old together? It's so unfair, but I can't dwell on that. I know for a certainty that there is someone else out there for us. I don't know the reason for all of this, but I do know that we were meant to be involved with another family, and for some reason this family was meant to be with us all along. I know that there are other children out there for me. I know that there is a wonderful man out there that will be a tremendous dad for the kids, and a loving companion for me here on this earth. I also know that I don't have to worry about how it's all going to play out in the eternities, because I have had so many positive affirmations. It's not mine to worry about. (That doesn't mean I still don't wonder)

I've got to say, I am totally impressed that we have made it this far. I leaned so heavily upon him, that I forgot what it was like to stand on my own. Or maybe I never really learned to stand on my own, so I never knew that I would be good at it. I don't like it, but I can do it. I have found out that my safe little back row personality was a lazy cover that was blown open by this trail. I never knew that the Lisa I settled with was the wrong Lisa. I didn't know that you could choose who you were going to be. I thought that you were born a certain way, and that was it. I don't know how it took me so long to figure it all out. Oh yes I do, it was because of my hard heartedness (ie stubborn, bull headed, thick sculled) I had to be humbled to be taught. That sucks, why can't I just listen sometimes.

Lesson learned...for a minute.