The Silence is Over

It's been a long time coming. I have had some technical difficulties, namely laziness, lack of foresight, and all out attention deficit. I got a new computer, and I don't have the right cables to upload pictures just yet, so sorry if it's just a bit dull without pix. Tomorrow I will begin to procrastinate about finding the cable.

Have you ever been offered everything you could ever want or need, only to figure out that someone else' need is far above your own? I had a dream last night that was just that. The thing is, I don't think it was a dream at all. Heavenly Father came to me after almost two years of the most intense praying and sadness I have ever experienced. He said, "Okay Lisa, you can now be with John. I have heard your prayers, and I want to bless you with togetherness."

I was beyond happy. I kept asking if this was really happening. I was so excited. My test had finally come to an end, and I got to be with my sweetheart at last. Then he said, "Of course you have passed, and you are free to come with me, but you will have to leave your children behind."

You can imagine my sorrow. I have begged and pleaded with Heavenly Father to make this nightmare all go away. I have asked him to rewind time. I have asked him to take me instead. I have tried everything. Not too many people know how painful it is to live without the best part of you. Now, I am faced with the hardest decision of my life...Stay and raise our children, or go be with my love.

I ran through every possible sinario. I tried it every way that I could, and no matter how I did it, those beautiful kids wouldn't be okay without their mom. I kept thinking, they're so little, they will be okay, but then I remember all the nights that I have rocked crying children to bed who miss their daddy. It just wasn't my time. Those kids saved me, and now I will never stop fighting for them.

Darn that Heavenly Father, he sure knows how to work me. I woke up with my eyes almost glued shut with shed tears. I know that this dream was a little lesson for me in courage. No matter how much I want this stupid accident to have never happened...it did! There is no way around it. There is only now, and the life you make for yourself. Courage is waking up in the morning and taking it for what it is. It's looking into the future with open eyes, and excitement. It's looking into your sweet childrens eyes and realizing that you would literally sacrifice anything for their well being.

The Privilege of Mother

I just ran across this little video. Wonderfully inspiring, and a welcome reminder of why I'm here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHDvxPjsm8E
This is a video of Stephanie Neilson, who survived a plane crash exactly one week before John's. I have felt a bond with her even though we have never met. She is an inspiration to me, and I strive to be the kind of mother that she is. Thank you Stephanie for your bravery, you are a true hero.

Infomercials

It's funny how many thoughts can run through my head all at the same time. As I type this, I am singing a Jonas Brothers song in my head (believe me, I know), thinking about how far behind on my studies I am, I am worrying about Ashton, I'm missing John, I'm trying to put my thoughts together on what to blog about, I'm thinking about my sweet friend Jamie, etc. I am running down the top position as ADD quarterlies spokes person. (Don't tell, but I think I've got it in the bag)

Amidst all this random thought, I am reflecting on something I heard tonight on an infomercial. Now, before you get started on bashing my infomercial watching, I will admit that I am a closet addict of things sold on TV. I own a shark steamer, a pilates machine, I once owned a gazelle fitness machine, and I have probably the most complete collection of exercise videos known to man. In fact you could probably sell me a cruise to Bolivia if you put it in a TV spot. (btw, Bolivia is land locked) Anyway, there was a testimonial that has really stuck with me. The guy said, "there is nothing you can't do if you want to do it. It's all in your mind."

Happiness, success, love, friendship, courage, strength...all of these are possible no matter what is happening all around us. It's what is in between the ears that counts. If you think you can't do something...You're right! You are right no matter what you think. If you think that you can't fail...You're right!

Just a little food for though.

Battle Cry

Life has been a bit hectic lately. I feel like I achieve very little in the day, and yet I'm constantly on the move. I guess that's what the life of a soccer mom is all about. Between a weeks worth of piano lessons, scouts, dance, soccer practice, two soccer games, and chores there doesn't seem to be any time to just be.

In the last few weeks I have really been ticked that John isn't here. Life would sure be a lot easier if there was an extra set of hands, not to mention a strong back around here. I have felt so ripped off (well that was the PG version of my feelings anyway), especially lately. The bigger the kids get, the busier they become. I feel like I'm constantly a step behind and I have to run to get even. I'm exhausted!

I was at one of Ethan's games the other night, and I was listening to all the dads coaching their boys from the sidelines. They are critiquing them or encouraging them, and I'm watching Ethan patiently ride the bench. The anger that bubbled to the surface was fierce. Here my child sat watching his friends play the game, all because he doesn't have a dad out there to stand up for him, and coach him. I kept thinking, "If John were here, this would all be different!"

That statement is true in that John would be his coach so he probably would have more, at least fair playing time. However, that statement is also false in that John worked long crazy hours, and probably wouldn't have the time or energy to work with Ethan any more than I can now. There are families all over who have both parents, and the fact of the matter is they don't have any more time or resources than I do. We're all in the same boat. Yes, there are a select few who make it work out, but for the most part, we are all just trying to make it through to tomorrow.

Of course my life would be easier with John here, but for whatever reason that is not to be. I need to adapt and change and make it all work out. There is a kid that comes to piano after Ethan and Ashton that has impressed me more than almost anything. He was born with deformities in both arms. His arms are short, and jointed wrong, and the hands that are connected are deformed with only three or four fingers on each hand. To see this boy at piano lessons is like seeing a boxer in a tutu, it's just out of place. I thought the first time that I saw him, "Wow that is so great that his mom would try to do this for her son." The first time I heard him play, I was blown away. That kid plays like he is whole. Now, what if his mom said, sorry kid there is no way you can play the piano, you have a handicap. Instead, she told him that there was nothing that he couldn't do.

I now look at my life a little bit different. Yes, I have a handicap (quit your laughing, and get serious), but I'm going to defy gravity on this one. There is no way I'm going to let this beat me or my family. I may have to move a mountain or two, but hey what's a little manual labor?

Happy Birthday Johnny

March 17, 2010 marks what would be John's 35th birthday. It was a hard day, scratch that...couple of weeks. For some strange reason, I wasn't expecting it to be so hard, when in fact it was marginally harder than last year.

My sweet mother shares a birthday with my Johnny, which has always been tricky, but now it's just really hard. We went down in the morning to take her to breakfast. Mike, Lisa, their kids, and Danny met us at the restaurant. It was really great to be able to have that time with her, and have it be about only her. I still sat at the table and cried right in the middle of the restaurant.

Later, my parents came up to the cemetery, and me and the kids stood with them and re-lived our favorite memories of John. I found myself so chocked up that I couldn't even speak. Did I mention that it was a hard day???

In the evening, we asked Ivan and LuDene, and Shawn and Mel and the kids to come up and send balloons up with us. Last year we ended up with quite the party. I couldn't face that this year, but I knew I had to do something for the kids.

The very best thing that can come from really painful experiences like this is...I miss him fiercely because I loved him so completely. I am grateful for the little lessons in life that remind me of how far I've come, and how blessed I am.






Aunt Mel brought all the balloons, and generally takes wonderful care of us. We love you Mel!

Crazy Carters in action. Malorie and Savana came up last minute to help us. Love you guys




Ashton and Averie were so excited to write cute messages to their daddy.


Ivan, ready for the countdown





Ethan, has had a really hard time without his dad, but is doing well.


Shawn, writing his message! Such a great brother


LuDene, brave as ever!

Blind Dates and Bars

So I have decided that my pitiful life provides tons of cannon fodder for my friends. Case in point, I got a text the other night from a friend of mine who is also the Elders Quorum President. He said, "Hey, I'm planning a fun group date Saturday and I want you to be there. So I have an assignment for you." Oh man, not good words for me to read. He later called and explained that there is a guy in our ward that they are wanting to fellowship, and they didn't want him to be the odd man out, so he wanted me to come along so he wouldn't feel weird.

"So, you want me to feel like the odd man out?" I quipped
"No, we want you to come one way or the other, and it's not really a date. We are going to take the Trax train down to Salt Lake and walk around, it will be fun." He lied
"Well, okay, if it's not a date." I conceded

The phone rang again about twenty minutes later, and my friend on the other line says, "He is sooo excited for your date!"
"You sucker, I can't believe you did that!" I said
"I also told him that trains turn you on, so to take you in the back and make out with you." He laughed

So lets just say that I got my revenge. Saturday came and in the early afternoon I had a bridal shower to attend at my moms house, so the group that we were going out with were meeting me there. My sister-in-law (who was one of the members of the group) came in to get me, at which point my wonderfully unabashed aunt Andrea decided it would be hilarious if she pretended to be me. We figured he hadn't ever met me, so he'd be none the wiser. Well she ran out to the van (fifteen passenger by the way), crawled back several rows, snuggled up to this complete stranger, rested her head on his shoulder and said, "Hi, I'm Lisa, where are we off to?"

Poor, poor, poor guy. To say that he turned red would be an understatement. He was so shaken up. Can you imagine, first being in a van full of the Elders Quorum Presidency and their wives when you are inactive is probably anxious enough, but add an overly enthusiastic date to the mix, and boy..... At least he has a great story to tell, if he dares relive the embarrassment.

To make a silly story short here are the things that we can learn from said experience.

1. There will always be something to laugh about
2. Why not go out of your way to befriend someone
3. Always let crazy people talk you into impossible situations, it makes life like a little party
4. Laughter really is the best medicine.
   

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