Have you ever had one of those mornings where you wake up from the fog of dreamland with a smile on your face? You can't exactly remember why you are smiling, or filled with that peaceful feeling, but you just know it's going to be a beautiful day.
Today has been one of those mornings. I live a charmed life, if only in my dreams.
There is an expression I use to describe the way I feel, but only when I am being brutally honest. I feel like a russian orphan, who curls up and dies because no one shows any love or affection to them. Kinda harsh, I know, but truthful. I never knew how much I needed to be held, and loved until my sweet husband was gone. I ache for the security of those strong arms, and the knowledge that he would do absolutely anything for my love.
I've had an extremely hard time admitting that I have been lonely. I don't know exactly why I feel that way. It may be because I don't want to be weak, or that I'm too proud to admit that I need someone in my life. I could just be because of the fact that I don't want to have to put myself out there again.
I had lunch with a darling friend of mine yesterday and we talked about all things related to family. She and her husband have had to go the long way around to build their family, so she gets where I'm coming from. She knows first hand what it feels like to be incomplete. To long for something that you can't have. She knows how hard it is to see happy families going about their day without a care in the world.
While talking to her I realized that one of the reasons that I don't like to admit to loneliness is because John is always with me. How can I hurt him by still being lonely? He's doing his best to watch over his family. Talk about going the extra mile.
We realized together that people are always looking to us to be a pillar of strength, and that sometimes it's just to hard to take on that roll. We understood that we were sent into each others lives at specific times to help and guide each other, but what about us? Why are some people spared when we weren't? Why are some people taught by example, but we had to be that example? Sometimes that reality of our hardships are just that...super hard.
Sitting in my car after lunch, we talked and cried, and laughed because we were such "boo-waa-hoo-ers" (that's a Johnny word for bawl baby. It usually ended with, should we call the waambulance?). I looked at my beautiful friend and realized that without a doubt, I was loved. Heavenly Father knew that this was going to take all the courage I could muster, and about ten times more than that. He knew that at those times when my reserves were depleted, that I would need reinforcements. Yesterday that reinforcement came in a tiny, blond haired body. How grateful I am to be able to be lifted up by the courage, and validation of others. To be shown that by complete and perfect love, all things are accomplished.
Thanks Erin. Today wouldn't be a good one without having you as my friend.
18 hours ago