Saturday, December 26, 2009


Well Christmas is over...HALLELUJAH!!!!! The kids had a wonderful holiday. They have been in a candy, toy, electronic induced stupor even into the day after Christmas. Oh to be a kid, where magic is real, all your dreams come true, and an old fat man in a red suit sneaks in and leaves gifts a plenty. (That actually sounds pretty creepy, when you think about it)

I am thankful for all those who have helped me and my little family through the last sixteen months, but especially through the last few holidays. It's been really hard, and there are only a few people that would understand the exact degree of difficulty. In fact, I sit here now, physically sick with sadness. There are times that I wonder if my heart will actually survive, and not in the emotional sense, but the actual ability to continue to beat sense.

I wish there was a magic pill that would take all the pain away. If I could invent such a thing, I would be wealthy beyond Bill Gates standards. The problem is, the pain is there to teach us what is really important in life.

Hollywood makes family seem like a thing that we are saddled with when we are either irresponsible, or finally done having fun. And then, it's easily expendable, just get a good pre-nup and attorney and your good to go. However, if that is the case, then why is it so painful when a family falls apart? Why is it that when one family member is no longer here, there is a gaping hole that threatens to swallow you whole.

My testimony of family had grown infinitely through the loss of my sweetheart. I know that what we had here on this earth will continue into the eternities, but I miss him so much that the pain makes me make certain promises to myself about the things that I will do for the rest of this life and on and on. Here are a few of those promises.

  • Say "I Love You" to everyone that I do love, as much as possible
  • Hug more
  • Pay attention to the small moments of life, they are the most important
  • Acknowledge feelings for what they are, and deal with them appropriately.
  • Stop worrying about what others think of me, only worry about what the Lord and my family thinks of me.
  • Take time to watch a movie with the kids
  • Read together as a family
  • Laugh as often as you can, even if you have to make up an excuse.
  • Make sure that the important people in your life know that they are important
  • Trust your instincts, they are a gift of the spirit, and they won't lead you astray.
This list could go on for an eternity. It actually has a lot of bullet points for marriage, but I will leave those out for now, they're just too painful.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Thursday, December 3, 2009


Ok, so here we go. I'm about to unload some crazy dreaming on you, you ready? I woke up this morning with a surge of adrenalin. I am somewhat known for my crazy dreams, ask anyone. (except my dad, he hates when I tell my dreams) Usually the dreams are really just entertainment for me, apparently my psyche needs to be entertained at all times of the day and night. However, last night was different. Let me lay it out for you. I was in a very tense situation, bad guys everywhere, and there I was climbing higher and higher up this crazy scary contraption. I don't really know the point of all of that, but here is where it gets interesting. There was a man there to save me. The only way he could help was for me to climb all the way up to the very precipice of the structure. Once there, I had to turn around and sit on this tiny ledge several hundred feet above the ground. The tower swayed, and there was nothing to hold on to. Just thinking of it makes my heart pound. Behind me was this man who kept telling me to trust him, and not to worry. He very carefully offered his hand, and with little effort helped me to safety. I remember having such an internal struggle with whether or not to trust this man. It was literally die alone, or trust this person to help you live. I know, you are probably thinking I watch way too much James Bond. I can't stop thinking that the dream has a deeper meaning. In fact I have made two conclusions.
  1. I don't have to do it all on my own. There is someone out there who can help on this earthly sphere if I just open myself up and trust.
  2. I'm not alone. My savior is always there for me. Sometimes, I have to do scary things, and it seems like I'm doing them all by myself, but really he's right behind me ready to catch. I still have to do my part, but the protection is always there.
Hmmmm, isn't it cool that even in the midst of bad guys, and death defying acts, the savior is always with us, and there is always a lesson to be learned. P.S. Please don't bug me about my run on sentences, it's early and my brain is still nigh night.