Awwwwww, did you ever see two cuter boys? I found these pics on the old laptop. I've been looking at them for several months, and trying to remember was life was like then. It seems so long ago, and yet it was almost just yesterday. Ethan as 5 in this picture, and Ashton was 1.
This was taken on the day Ashton was born. You can tell that Daddy had been up all night. He was so excited to introduce Ethan to his little brother.
Normally I would not include such a terrible picture of myself, but I just went through childbirth, and I don't look half bad for such a feat, and the look on Johnny's face is priceless. Oh I miss him so much. I still feel like he's just on a business trip, and he will be home any day now.
We are coming up on a year and a half. I can't believe it's been that long. Last night I cried myself to sleep again, just wishing I could talk to him. It's hard when you can be gone all day, and there is no one to call or check in with. I'll sit in class and everyone is checking in with their spouse, and I just sit there. Every now and again I'll get the chance to run errands by myself. I always think it will be great to have some time to myself, but inevitably I end up crying. I hate to be here by myself.
I learned something very important, get out your pens, or highlighters because this is wisdom I tell ya. Life is always an uphill battle. If we are not constantly engaged in moving upward our muscles will atrophy, and our legs won't be strong. The top of the mountain is the goal. Once we get there the vantage point will open up and we will be able to see and understand what it was all for.
So there you have it. I figure that I'm about 2/3rds the way up. I have a pretty good view of the things behind me, and I have an okay view of some of the stuff ahead and around me. I just passed one of the spots that I needed some extra equipment, like ropes, crampons, carabeaners (don't know how to spell that word), and a harness. The path I chose was the best path for me. It has its rough spots, but my Father packed my safety equipment, and boy you should see my buff arms and legs at this point.
This is the story of one woman's navigation through grief following the loss of her true love, and husband of almost eleven years. Questions of who am I now, questions of how to raise the kids alone, and leaning how to live again will be confronted, hopefully in a positive and meaningful light.