Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The Silence is Over

It's been a long time coming. I have had some technical difficulties, namely laziness, lack of foresight, and all out attention deficit. I got a new computer, and I don't have the right cables to upload pictures just yet, so sorry if it's just a bit dull without pix. Tomorrow I will begin to procrastinate about finding the cable.

Have you ever been offered everything you could ever want or need, only to figure out that someone else' need is far above your own? I had a dream last night that was just that. The thing is, I don't think it was a dream at all. Heavenly Father came to me after almost two years of the most intense praying and sadness I have ever experienced. He said, "Okay Lisa, you can now be with John. I have heard your prayers, and I want to bless you with togetherness."

I was beyond happy. I kept asking if this was really happening. I was so excited. My test had finally come to an end, and I got to be with my sweetheart at last. Then he said, "Of course you have passed, and you are free to come with me, but you will have to leave your children behind."

You can imagine my sorrow. I have begged and pleaded with Heavenly Father to make this nightmare all go away. I have asked him to rewind time. I have asked him to take me instead. I have tried everything. Not too many people know how painful it is to live without the best part of you. Now, I am faced with the hardest decision of my life...Stay and raise our children, or go be with my love.

I ran through every possible sinario. I tried it every way that I could, and no matter how I did it, those beautiful kids wouldn't be okay without their mom. I kept thinking, they're so little, they will be okay, but then I remember all the nights that I have rocked crying children to bed who miss their daddy. It just wasn't my time. Those kids saved me, and now I will never stop fighting for them.

Darn that Heavenly Father, he sure knows how to work me. I woke up with my eyes almost glued shut with shed tears. I know that this dream was a little lesson for me in courage. No matter how much I want this stupid accident to have never happened...it did! There is no way around it. There is only now, and the life you make for yourself. Courage is waking up in the morning and taking it for what it is. It's looking into the future with open eyes, and excitement. It's looking into your sweet childrens eyes and realizing that you would literally sacrifice anything for their well being.


  1. Wow Lisa, that is powerful. You made a good/hard choice. Not sure I would have been that brave!! you are here for a reason...to make me a better person (o.k. so that's not the only reason...but I like to pretend the world revolves around me sometimes :)!)

  2. Lessons learned!!!. Isn't that what it is really about. Not the trials we go through but the lessons we learn. You are an amazing daughter of God and teach us all through your willingness to learn. Thank you for making my life better because of you.

  3. O Lisa How I love you!!! You are so brave and so strong!! Much stronger than you think you are and you are an amazing example to me. Thank you so much for being such an amazing person and changing my life for the better.

    p.s. photoshop lessons any time :)

  4. ok lisa...

    i wish i could just copy and paste this right into my blog... because it is how i feel as well. i have thought many times about how it would be if i were taken and i could be with aaron... i have even gone as far as to write in my journal who should take aaron jr if anything happens to me. but as i wrote that in my journal, i knew for sure that i wouldn't want ANYONE else raising him besides me... and my time to be with aaron would just simply have to wait. IT HAD TO!

    you amaze me. i cannot believe how difficult this task is that we have been asked to take on... but we are blessed to have found each other. it means a lot to have you as a friend... widows or not.

    love you.

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  9. I've never met you. I never blog surf. But today I was feeling sorry for myself, wondering why Heavenly Father only blessed us with one child. Why life is so hard. I began blog surfing (feeling guilty the whole time, like don't the general authorities always tell us not to be idle!) and I found your blog. Thank you for this post. I am reminded that Heavenly Father has a greater purpose for us here, and He knows best what is best for us. Thank you for your sweet words, and your example of pushing on!