Friday, December 24, 2010

Silent Night, Humble Night

The children were all tucked in their bed for a long winters nap...which leaves me all alone to wrap 1,000 presents and wipe my tears.  Okay, I may have exaggerated just a bit; there are only 100 presents.  I have been quite surprised at how well this Christmas season has gone for me and the kids.  The last two years have been extremely difficult without John.  We had to put on our game faces and we took it like men.  This year has somehow been a bit easier.  I think that we've finally hit our stride.  Which is probably why I was surprised when the tears started to flow tonight.

We have a family tradition of Christmas eve bowling.  John always loved anything that he could compete in, so naturally he and my brothers would have a great time trying to one up each other.  Tonight, I really missed that.  I felt like I could hear his laugh though.  He use to throw his head back, flash that winning smile, and let out the most contagious laugh.  I really loved that laugh.

Then as we went to my parents for dinner, it just felt empty.  The kids had such a great time, but some of my brothers were missing, and it just wasn't the same.  It was, however hilarious to watch the little kids play musical chairs and be introduced to losing for the first time in their lives.  (Oh the tears, and the kicking, and the head banging)

On the drive home, I was just so lonely.  I knew that I had so much to do tonight, and I had no one to help or to keep me company.  I started to let the tears roll, and suddenly I was kneeling in my family room across from John.  He was holding both my hands in one of his own, and hugging me with the other.  He didn't say anything, he just held me.  I knew that he was just as empty without me as I am without him.  It's so hard this trial that we have had to endure.  Both John and I have had to endure it without the benefit of each others support, though I know that he's always here.  One day we will know the reason for this, but until then it just plain stinks.

I like to use the dentists office for a parable for things that are really painful.  When I'm in the waiting room at the dentist office, I tell myself, "In one hour from now, you'll be driving home, and you'll be thinking, hey that wasn't that bad."  I would like to think that in the near future, I will be able to look back on these dark years and say, Hey that wasn't that bad.


  1. I'm so very sorry. I hope that comforting spirit will continue to enfold you. May you have a wonderful morning tomorrow with your kids.
    Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
    When we shall be forever with the Lord,
    When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
    Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
    Be still, my soul:
    When change and tears are past,
    All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

  2. love you were in my thoughts all night. I'm always mad at myself when I realize that you were in my thought because you needed some suport and I was too stupid to follow the prompting. I'm sorry for the rough times...glad john was there to hold you. I hope your christmas morining is spectacular!!

  3. ....... no words...... just sending lots of love!!!!! xoxox

  4. so... i wish i had known you were alone that night, i would have called. i wasn't alone necessarily since i spent the night at my parents house... but i felt alone just the same.

    it is so strange doing the things alone that we should be doing with our husbands.

    you are such a great friend. what a blessing you are in my life. thank you thank you thank you.

    love you.

  5. my brave, beautiful you.

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  7. I just found your blog, and I think that your vulnerability in sharing your grief via this blog is beautiful. I pray that this upcoming holiday season continues to bring new traditions to your family.