My family and I just got back from the warm and rain free town of St. George Utah. Oh what a week. The sun was shining, the desert landscape was brilliant, the kids were happy, and I let the sun do some much needed healing.
The drive was not bad considering the three wild animals in the back asking for potty breaks, and chanting ... "are we there yet?". The scenery is so interesting, because you move rather quickly through the beautiful mountains, and into the desert withing a few short hours. Mother nature didn't pull any stops. Wildflowers lined the roadway, the clouds were depicting flying elephants, sea turtles, and yo gabba gabba characters. It was nothing short of heaven. I guess that's why I felt John so close to me. There were times that I had to physically turn to look behind me to see if he was there. I was taking a million pictures thinking that I couldn't wait to get home to show him. I haven't had this hard of a time accepting that he is gone since the first few months after the accident.
Facing the drive home was hard. I had little to no sleep the whole trip, because a little know phenomenon called vacationitis. For some unknown reason, every time we travel anywhere my beautiful children catch swine flu, monkeyitis, tuberculosis, and a major case of the gags. This means that they cough, hack, gag, and eventually throw up their entire stomach contents on expensive linens, and carpeting. So because of the theatrics of the TB ward, there was no sleep to be had, and a six to ten hour drive to face depending on potty breaks. This is when I found myself in the throws of self-pity.
"Why do I have to do this all by myself?" "Why do I only get 12 years of happiness?" "Why did this happen to my family, and not to jerks like Brad Pitt?" (I love to throw Brad Pitt in there, cause he bugs me with his jet setting, abundant wealth, and carefree life.) "Why don't I get to grow old with the love of my life?"
Even though I was feeling such despair, I knew that everything was going to be OK. I knew that John was there with us. I knew that he was looking out for us. I knew that my Savior had me by the hand and was leading me and my family to a safe place. I know that this life is only temporary, and the trials that we are given are there to help us to grow and become the people that we are meant to be. I have already seen such a change in my little family. We have learned to rely on each other, as well as all of those loving people in our lives that were sent here to make this difficult time a little bit easier. I know that even though I will still have the poor me moments, I will always have the faith that has grown leaps and bounds to get me through even the darkest times.
This is the story of one woman's navigation through grief following the loss of her true love, and husband of almost eleven years. Questions of who am I now, questions of how to raise the kids alone, and leaning how to live again will be confronted, hopefully in a positive and meaningful light.