I have spent several weeks really feeling sorry for myself. I miss John so much, and I can't believe he is gone. I remember how he use to smell. I remember every little part of his strong hands. I remember what his arms felt like around me. How can I get on with my life when I can remember all of that like it was yesterday?
I have spent a lot of time thinking about that. What I have come up with is, I don't want to forget those things! I want every last detail to stay forever ingrained into my memory. I worried so much after the crash that I would forget everything, and now I see that it is a blessing that I remember. It makes some things hard, but thank goodness that I'm not going to lose him.
His headstone was delivered last month, Averie, and Ashton both had birthdays, and somehow I got through it all. When I look back, I'm pretty impressed that I made it. I think that the Lord steps in when it's really hard puts the blinders on a bit. That's the only way it could work. He doesn't do it all for you, but he takes the edge off at just the right time.
I was cleaning up today, and found John's wallet. He has about 4 free meals at Cafe Rio, golf passes, frequent shopper punch passes, and a million other silly John items. I stood there and sobbed. How can something so concrete exist when he isn't here any more. It's so hard to deal with any of his things. I have kept all his clothes and shoes exactly where they were before. I don't know why I do it, I guess I'm still waiting for him to come home. His car still sits in the garage waiting for him to wash it.
Oh, man! Cryfest 09. I really hate to write about stuff like this, because I don't want people to think that I sit and stew all day everyday. I really don't. I consider myself a pretty positive person, and most of the time I can convince myself that everything is ok, but there is that every now and then moment where it hits me. I feel like I would be doing a diservice to myself and my kids if I just wrote all the warm fuzzies and skip the painful stuff. I want them to know that it was hard, it was painful, it was the most saddness I have ever known. I want them to know that I miss and love their dad, and I want to remind myself that though it is hard, I am healing.
Oh quick update...Ethan and Ashton both won the photography contest! They both won first in their age group, and the took 1st and 2nd overall! Wow, what a proud mom am I. I will post pics as soon as I locate my camera cord.
Clane in charge.
16 hours ago