Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Golf, Cafe Rio, and buckets of tears

I have spent several weeks really feeling sorry for myself. I miss John so much, and I can't believe he is gone. I remember how he use to smell. I remember every little part of his strong hands. I remember what his arms felt like around me. How can I get on with my life when I can remember all of that like it was yesterday?

I have spent a lot of time thinking about that. What I have come up with is, I don't want to forget those things! I want every last detail to stay forever ingrained into my memory. I worried so much after the crash that I would forget everything, and now I see that it is a blessing that I remember. It makes some things hard, but thank goodness that I'm not going to lose him.

His headstone was delivered last month, Averie, and Ashton both had birthdays, and somehow I got through it all. When I look back, I'm pretty impressed that I made it. I think that the Lord steps in when it's really hard puts the blinders on a bit. That's the only way it could work. He doesn't do it all for you, but he takes the edge off at just the right time.

I was cleaning up today, and found John's wallet. He has about 4 free meals at Cafe Rio, golf passes, frequent shopper punch passes, and a million other silly John items. I stood there and sobbed. How can something so concrete exist when he isn't here any more. It's so hard to deal with any of his things. I have kept all his clothes and shoes exactly where they were before. I don't know why I do it, I guess I'm still waiting for him to come home. His car still sits in the garage waiting for him to wash it.

Oh, man! Cryfest 09. I really hate to write about stuff like this, because I don't want people to think that I sit and stew all day everyday. I really don't. I consider myself a pretty positive person, and most of the time I can convince myself that everything is ok, but there is that every now and then moment where it hits me. I feel like I would be doing a diservice to myself and my kids if I just wrote all the warm fuzzies and skip the painful stuff. I want them to know that it was hard, it was painful, it was the most saddness I have ever known. I want them to know that I miss and love their dad, and I want to remind myself that though it is hard, I am healing.

Oh quick update...Ethan and Ashton both won the photography contest! They both won first in their age group, and the took 1st and 2nd overall! Wow, what a proud mom am I. I will post pics as soon as I locate my camera cord.


  1. I found your blog through Sherry's. I am taken back by your strength and faith. It most certainly is FINE to write the hard times. They are life, and a part of life that makes all of us who share them better people. You are a fantastic mother and wife. You should not and won't ever forget your wonderful husband and friend no matter what direction you life takes in the future. I for one look up to you for your strength and your beautiful testimony. You are a special daughter of God. I know he knows and loves you.

  2. Lisa you are an amazing person!! You are loved by so many and our prayers are always with you. You are so strong and your faith is amazing!!! I think of you often and what a hero you are to me. I can't wait for the run!!! I think it is an amazing thing that you are doing for John. What a way to keep him in our lives always. Love ya tons.

  3. Love you Lisa! I've been thinking about you lots...Love ya

  4. P.S. I laughed so hard when I read the story about Avery's little baby chicks! She's such a cute little stinker

  5. Hey Lisa, I just came across your blog. I think you are such an amazing person. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I think it's so important that you write down your feelings when you're having a hard time. I think talking about your feelings is the only way you can heal. You can't keep it bottled up inside. I admire your faith so much and I want you to know that we are thinking about you and praying for you. We love you!

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