So today I'm 34. (I tell people 29) Age has never been something that has bothered me until now. I feel too old, and not old enough all at the same time.
Today also happens to be Ethan's birthday. Ten years ago today, I had my first child. Talk about a birthday present. I remember that there was a sign on my door at the hospital that said, "Happy Birthday Lisa, and baby Ethan!" All the doctors and nurses signed it, and everyone who came to see us at the hospital signed it too. I ran across that sign when we were looking for pictures for the funeral.
How does time sneak by you? When you are in the midst of life, it seems to never end. I wished away so much, in excitement and anticipation for the next step in life. When Ethan was a baby, I couldn't wait until he slept through the night. Then I couldn't wait until he could sit up. Then I couldn't wait until he could crawl, etc. In all my excitement, I missed out on my little baby being a baby.
When John died, I vowed that I wouldn't wish away anything ever again. I told myself that I would enjoy every step, and every challenge like it was a new and wonderful adventure. I'm not saying that it's easy, because it's not. I wanted to just bury myself in the covers today and not answer the phone, and just really feel sorry for myself, but Ethan had other plans. He woke me up at 7:30am wanting to open presents. I made him wait a couple hours. He pushed, and begged, and pushed more to get me to do this or that, or get ready so we could go. I have to admit, it wasn't an easy task for that poor kid to get his mom in the birthday spirit. (It's one thing when it's just your birthday, but when you share it with one of the children, there is no getting out of anything) Finally we got going, and I have to say that I'm so glad that I got out of the house and spent time with my big little man. It turned out to be a pretty great day.
This is the story of one woman's navigation through grief following the loss of her true love, and husband of almost eleven years. Questions of who am I now, questions of how to raise the kids alone, and leaning how to live again will be confronted, hopefully in a positive and meaningful light.