Sleep?

As I sit procrastinating sleep, I wonder why does it have to be so hard sometimes? I realize that I don't want to sleep, because in my dreams everything is normal. John is back, if only for a few minutes. Then I wake up and my heart breaks all over again. I don't know how long I can handle the pain. Everyone says that time will heal all wounds. That is true to a degree, but I don't think there will come a time that I don't have John on my mind. I don't know that there will be a day when my heart doesn't ache for him.

I find that I really compare myself to others in my grief. I have known of a few people to lose spouses over this past fourteen months, and for some reason I feel like I should be handling things the same way that they are. It's stupid, I know. Not every situation is the same, not every relationship is the same, not every person is the same, so why do I think I can compare?

All that I know for sure is, I miss him. I know that I'm here by myself with sick kids. I know that I'm lonely. I know that as much as I love him, I have to move forward. I know that he can't move forward until I do.

Those revelations are easy said, but not easily accepted. I want to give my burdens to the Savior and move ahead, but I just don't know how. I think that deep down I'm being punished, and I don't know how to get passed that feeling. I feel like John was taken away because I didn't deserve him or our life together. Pathetic, I know. The mind is a powerful thing, and mine is twisting me and turning me, and I really have to concentrate to figure which way is up. I know in my head that it was just an accident, but my heart sometimes has a mind of it's own.

I keep thinking about a dream John told me about. It was when Ethan was a baby, so we had been married for about two years. He woke up really upset, and it took him a while to settle down and tell me about the dream. He said that some men came to take him away from us. He didn't think they were bad men, they just said that we couldn't be together anymore. He tried to get away, but they were too strong, they wouldn't even let him kiss us goodbye. He was so upset for a long time, and now that stupid dream is all I think about. I wonder if that was a little heads up to us. Why is it that we don't get to grow old together? It's so unfair, but I can't dwell on that. I know for a certainty that there is someone else out there for us. I don't know the reason for all of this, but I do know that we were meant to be involved with another family, and for some reason this family was meant to be with us all along. I know that there are other children out there for me. I know that there is a wonderful man out there that will be a tremendous dad for the kids, and a loving companion for me here on this earth. I also know that I don't have to worry about how it's all going to play out in the eternities, because I have had so many positive affirmations. It's not mine to worry about. (That doesn't mean I still don't wonder)

I've got to say, I am totally impressed that we have made it this far. I leaned so heavily upon him, that I forgot what it was like to stand on my own. Or maybe I never really learned to stand on my own, so I never knew that I would be good at it. I don't like it, but I can do it. I have found out that my safe little back row personality was a lazy cover that was blown open by this trail. I never knew that the Lisa I settled with was the wrong Lisa. I didn't know that you could choose who you were going to be. I thought that you were born a certain way, and that was it. I don't know how it took me so long to figure it all out. Oh yes I do, it was because of my hard heartedness (ie stubborn, bull headed, thick sculled) I had to be humbled to be taught. That sucks, why can't I just listen sometimes.

Lesson learned...for a minute.

Conference Weekend

This weekend has been fraught with emotion for me. It was General Conference Weekend. I usually look so forward to it, we have some pretty treasured traditions that revolve around Conference weekend. We always went on a drive that ended in a hike of some kind. John lived for nature, and it was a good bet that we would find ourselves right in the middle of it whenever time would allow. We spent many a Sunday at Snowbasin, hiking and taking pictures. We loved to drive down Provo canyon to Bridal Veil Falls in the spring when the ice was just starting to melt. We loved to look at the fall leaves, and spot wildlife, and just be in the midst of God's beautiful creations. This Weekend, I stayed home and watched conference in quiet.

It is so wonderful to know that God knows each and every one of us. The talks that were given, seemed to be prepared for me and my family. I enjoyed so much the words that were so skillfully put together in a way that I had been searching to do myself during this last year. It was so uplifting, and so sad at the same time. Then in between the morning and afternoon sessions on Sunday there was a story about the humanitarian effort in Guatemala. It was a beautiful story, they mentioned the crash, and showed a picture of John. I cried, and cried, and got really mad, then felt guilty, then cried some more. I was sad that John never got to meet those people that he was so excited to serve. I was mad that the people that were featured on the story did get to meet them, and with no problems might I add. I was really mad that it made me think about the crash again, and all the sadness that went along with that horrible day. So needless to say I have been in a super fantastic mood the last several days (months).

In the middle of my sorrow, I talked to my beautiful, wise, brilliant sister-in-law Mel, and she suggested that I make a list of all the things that I have learned, and the blessings that we have received since we lost John. It is so hard when you are in the middle of grief to realize or understand that there really has been progress made, and sometimes we really need to sit back and take a good long look at personal growth that has taken place.

Keep in mind that this list is very incomplete, but it's a start.

• I know that my Father in Heaven loves me.
• I know that my Savior died for me.
• I know that Johnny is mine forever and ever.
• I know that my family loves me.
• I have true friends, the kind that can handle anything that you throw at them, and they do it with ease and grace.
• The veil is very thin.
• Service really is the only place you can find relief.
• Life is too short
• Love never dies
• The Atonement is way bigger, and more complex, and I will never learn in this lifetime all of it's facets.
  
• Family is forever
• Family is the reason for this life
• Guilt is of the Devil (and he wields it like a double edged sword)
• It's ok to not be perfect
• It's ok to do things your own way
• Sometimes we make mistakes, and guess what, the world doesn't end
• When God brings you to it, he'll get you through it.
• We are going to be ok
• I know that we will be better than we were before
• I know that there are angles around us
• Things may seem sad and hopeless, but I know that there is nothing but hope and happiness in our future.
  

Here are a few pictures that I came across, and they speak volumes.