Saturday, October 24, 2009

Sleep?

As I sit procrastinating sleep, I wonder why does it have to be so hard sometimes? I realize that I don't want to sleep, because in my dreams everything is normal. John is back, if only for a few minutes. Then I wake up and my heart breaks all over again. I don't know how long I can handle the pain. Everyone says that time will heal all wounds. That is true to a degree, but I don't think there will come a time that I don't have John on my mind. I don't know that there will be a day when my heart doesn't ache for him.

I find that I really compare myself to others in my grief. I have known of a few people to lose spouses over this past fourteen months, and for some reason I feel like I should be handling things the same way that they are. It's stupid, I know. Not every situation is the same, not every relationship is the same, not every person is the same, so why do I think I can compare?

All that I know for sure is, I miss him. I know that I'm here by myself with sick kids. I know that I'm lonely. I know that as much as I love him, I have to move forward. I know that he can't move forward until I do.

Those revelations are easy said, but not easily accepted. I want to give my burdens to the Savior and move ahead, but I just don't know how. I think that deep down I'm being punished, and I don't know how to get passed that feeling. I feel like John was taken away because I didn't deserve him or our life together. Pathetic, I know. The mind is a powerful thing, and mine is twisting me and turning me, and I really have to concentrate to figure which way is up. I know in my head that it was just an accident, but my heart sometimes has a mind of it's own.

I keep thinking about a dream John told me about. It was when Ethan was a baby, so we had been married for about two years. He woke up really upset, and it took him a while to settle down and tell me about the dream. He said that some men came to take him away from us. He didn't think they were bad men, they just said that we couldn't be together anymore. He tried to get away, but they were too strong, they wouldn't even let him kiss us goodbye. He was so upset for a long time, and now that stupid dream is all I think about. I wonder if that was a little heads up to us. Why is it that we don't get to grow old together? It's so unfair, but I can't dwell on that. I know for a certainty that there is someone else out there for us. I don't know the reason for all of this, but I do know that we were meant to be involved with another family, and for some reason this family was meant to be with us all along. I know that there are other children out there for me. I know that there is a wonderful man out there that will be a tremendous dad for the kids, and a loving companion for me here on this earth. I also know that I don't have to worry about how it's all going to play out in the eternities, because I have had so many positive affirmations. It's not mine to worry about. (That doesn't mean I still don't wonder)

I've got to say, I am totally impressed that we have made it this far. I leaned so heavily upon him, that I forgot what it was like to stand on my own. Or maybe I never really learned to stand on my own, so I never knew that I would be good at it. I don't like it, but I can do it. I have found out that my safe little back row personality was a lazy cover that was blown open by this trail. I never knew that the Lisa I settled with was the wrong Lisa. I didn't know that you could choose who you were going to be. I thought that you were born a certain way, and that was it. I don't know how it took me so long to figure it all out. Oh yes I do, it was because of my hard heartedness (ie stubborn, bull headed, thick sculled) I had to be humbled to be taught. That sucks, why can't I just listen sometimes.

Lesson learned...for a minute.

6 comments:

  1. The time of this post tells a lot about what is going on in your home right now. Sick kids and no sleep make things that we can normally handle seem unsurmountable. You are doing great. One step (baby steps) at a time. We love you !!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lisa I have no words!!!! You are amazing and I love you!!! It will be ok.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't know what to say except I'm sorry. I hate what the mind (satan?) can do to you. You deserve to grieve and handle things however you want...not how anyone else does, or how anyone else wants you to. Just hang on to your faith...and when you can't...just hang on to your friends...that's what we're here for!!

    ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
  4. "I don't like it, but I can do it." That is my new favorite quote. So simple and so true.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lisa, I know that you are learning a lot through this experience....and I have to tell you that you are teaching us just as much. Every time I read your posts it makes me realize that I can do so much more and should be doing so much more. But more than that I realize how wonderful a person you are and how lucky your three sweet babies are that they have you!!! They will get through this and be wonderful grown up adults because of the wonderfully, amazing mother they have.

    I know with every fiber of my being that John is with you all the time....and he is always just a few steps behind your kids, watching them and helping them. You will get through this by doing exactly what you are doing....wading through the muck and taking it one day at a time. I love you!!

    ReplyDelete