In Dreams...

There are just times that I need John.  My heart aches for him, and I wonder how I've made it this long without him.  The last few days have been that way for me.  I've taken stalk of my life this last year.  I keep praying for someone to come into our lives to take the pain, sorrow, and lonely away.  Here's the big problem...How can I move on when I can't let go of John?

That question plagues my thoughts most of the day and night.  People tell me that when I meet the right person, It will all work out.  I just don't know if I buy it.  I hate complication.  I'm a simpleton.  Okay, I wish I was a simpleton.

Last night, I dreamed of John all night.  That really doesn't happen that often.  He was in about 4 or 5 different dreams.  We ran to each other.  Kissed and hugged and cried.  I told him how much I've missed him, and how it was like a dream that he was here with me again.  He would smile and kiss me again, and hold me tight.

I woke up with tears on my pillow.  I realized that there is no amount of time that is enough.  I am so grateful to know that I have endless time with my sweet love.  I am so blessed to have him as my eternal companion.  I never have to worry about not seeing him again, because I know that I will.  I know that we have forever together, and this is but a brief intermission.

Hawaii June 2011

We finally made it to Hawaii.  This trip was suppose to be for me and John.  We planned to go since we were dating.  So to say this was a dream come true would be, well mostly true.

 Clockwise from top: Ethan at the USS Arizona; Kiddos eating shave ice; Ethan and Ashton at the USS Arizona memorial; My toes in the sand; The boys on the balcony of the Trump hotel in Oahu.

 Averie vs. Portugese Man of War

 Ashton; Allison and Ethan snorkel trip; Grandma and Grandpa Carver; Kids and flowers; Spotted dolphin.

 The beautiful Maui sunset

 The kids in the Iao Valley

The high life

The Yips

Sorry for the prolonged absence.  I have been working on a book!!!  Or, in other words, I have been staring at a blank screen for a whole year.  Ok, Ok, that may not be completely true.  I have worked quite a bit.  I just got stuck.  As a baseball player may say, "I've got the yips!"

I have been trying to write about the lessons I've learned, and the healing that I've done, but I thought that I needed to write about the accident to do that.  Yes, I should mention the accident, but I was going into such detail, that it was way too painful of an experience for me.  I finally had an epiphany.  I realized that I didn't have to talk about every last detail.  I could just broach the subject and go on from there.

Since that realization, I've been better able to write.  I also realized that this blog was a main inspiration point for me.  I missed being able to pour my heart out on this screen, and have it open my mind to the blessing that surround me everyday.

So, purely for my own benefit, I will continue to blog.  I have cherished the encouraging words that I have received from each of you.  Even seeing the hits on this page has been uplifting.  I have thought from the beginning, that if but one person can benefit from my loss, it will be worth the pain.