While the kids began carving, I started dinner. Usually, at least since John died, we would go out to eat or bring in some take out. Dinner time has been a part of my life that I can't seem to get back. I don't know if it's because I have no time, or if it's because it brings me back to the days that I wish were still here. Either way, it's pretty painful.
Back to dinner...I made a meal that I hadn't made since John died. It was a family favorite, and an invention of mine. The recipe just jumped into my head again tonight. I had no idea it would send me back in time the way that it did.
2008
Dinner Table
Ethan is laughing,
John is teasing,
Ashton is playing with his food,
Averie is choking.
What am I doing?
Pointing and gesturing helplessly at my chocking baby.
Cool and a cucumber, John sticks his bite of food in his mouth, reaches across the table for Averie, lifts her up with one hand pats her back with the other, and sets her back down.
John scoops up another bite of food, while finishing the story he was telling the boys.
He didn't have a hair out of place, or even a drop of sweat on his brow.
I just sat and stared. I was so bugged that I had such crappy reflexes.
John could always best me, and actually pretty much everybody.
Boy did I love him...admired him really.
My very own superhero.
All of that and more came from that one simple dish. A lifetime of memories. A time that was so ordinary, and yet so profound. What an importance those few minutes mean in the history of a family. I now understand the brilliance of that time together. I would be missing out on so much if we hadn't had those meals together.
It now begs the question, what are we missing out on now? Life gets busy, especially with growing kids, but why can't I make dinner time important like it use to be? I now know just how important that time is in our lives, and I intend to make it worth something. I'm sure I'll shed more than a few tears, but those tears will bring memories of my beautiful husband...I sure miss that guy.
You are such an amazing woman. Each time I read your blog I get e new perspective on things that are going on in my own life. Loss of a loved one is HARD!!!! And the big things we seem to brace ourselves for. It is the little unexpected things that break into our lives and crumble the wall that we think we have been building and we have to start all over. Smells, tastes, and quiet whispers. But they also bring the sweetest memories. Sometimes I wish they would go away and then in a flash I realize that I never want them to leave !!!
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how hard it must be to live without him, espcially without the triggers. I still can't drive past Morgan without thinking of going to his soccer games or the rodeos that we went to at the fairground together or our countless movie nights and sleepovers. Every time I make an asparagus I think of John, because he taught me how. I can't think of New York or Central Park or the subway without thinking of John (and obviously you as well!). I didn't even have him in my life as much or as long as you and I still have the triggers that make me break down bawling. He was a good man! You are doing a great job at helping your kids remember someone that they didn't get to know for nearly as long as they should have. Love ya!
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