Saturday, December 26, 2009


Well Christmas is over...HALLELUJAH!!!!! The kids had a wonderful holiday. They have been in a candy, toy, electronic induced stupor even into the day after Christmas. Oh to be a kid, where magic is real, all your dreams come true, and an old fat man in a red suit sneaks in and leaves gifts a plenty. (That actually sounds pretty creepy, when you think about it)

I am thankful for all those who have helped me and my little family through the last sixteen months, but especially through the last few holidays. It's been really hard, and there are only a few people that would understand the exact degree of difficulty. In fact, I sit here now, physically sick with sadness. There are times that I wonder if my heart will actually survive, and not in the emotional sense, but the actual ability to continue to beat sense.

I wish there was a magic pill that would take all the pain away. If I could invent such a thing, I would be wealthy beyond Bill Gates standards. The problem is, the pain is there to teach us what is really important in life.

Hollywood makes family seem like a thing that we are saddled with when we are either irresponsible, or finally done having fun. And then, it's easily expendable, just get a good pre-nup and attorney and your good to go. However, if that is the case, then why is it so painful when a family falls apart? Why is it that when one family member is no longer here, there is a gaping hole that threatens to swallow you whole.

My testimony of family had grown infinitely through the loss of my sweetheart. I know that what we had here on this earth will continue into the eternities, but I miss him so much that the pain makes me make certain promises to myself about the things that I will do for the rest of this life and on and on. Here are a few of those promises.

  • Say "I Love You" to everyone that I do love, as much as possible
  • Hug more
  • Pay attention to the small moments of life, they are the most important
  • Acknowledge feelings for what they are, and deal with them appropriately.
  • Stop worrying about what others think of me, only worry about what the Lord and my family thinks of me.
  • Take time to watch a movie with the kids
  • Read together as a family
  • Laugh as often as you can, even if you have to make up an excuse.
  • Make sure that the important people in your life know that they are important
  • Trust your instincts, they are a gift of the spirit, and they won't lead you astray.
This list could go on for an eternity. It actually has a lot of bullet points for marriage, but I will leave those out for now, they're just too painful.


  1. The things that I continue to learn from you amaze me. I can not comprehend the feelings you are feeling - I could not even begin too. I just want you to know that you are so loved ....... by me!!!!

  2. As always, you amaze me. I can not even comprehend what the last few months have been like for you and your family. Thank you for sharing and letting me be a better person because of you.

  3. I too can't even begin to imagine your pain, I can only guess as even when I read your posts like this it makes me feel like someone is squeezing my hurts for you. Multiply that pain by thirty trillion and maybe I'd be close :( Good for you for putting on a brave face for your kids and I hope the electronic/candy induced coma lasts all week so you can get some time to yourself too!!

    I feel like it's time for a new start too...I love the beginning of a new year! Thanks for reminding me about what is really important...those are some great goals you have set!! I wish I could carry out the gusto I have at this time of year to start doing things that need to be done...have you learned how to fix procrastination, laziness, and disorganization in your reflexology yet...I have SERIOUS issues

  4. Love you Lisa! Just wanted to tell you that. you do such an amazing job taking care of those precious kids of yours. I know John is comforted to know they are in your care. You are such a choice daughter of our heavenly father. never forget that he loves you and so do we.

  5. yeah... i have been having a really hard time lately. we really should get together soon. sometimes these more difficult times could be made lighter by being around people who understand...
    who knows?

    anyhow, love you.

    leslie *

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