Hawaii June 2011

We finally made it to Hawaii.  This trip was suppose to be for me and John.  We planned to go since we were dating.  So to say this was a dream come true would be, well mostly true.

 Clockwise from top: Ethan at the USS Arizona; Kiddos eating shave ice; Ethan and Ashton at the USS Arizona memorial; My toes in the sand; The boys on the balcony of the Trump hotel in Oahu.

 Averie vs. Portugese Man of War

 Ashton; Allison and Ethan snorkel trip; Grandma and Grandpa Carver; Kids and flowers; Spotted dolphin.

 The beautiful Maui sunset

 The kids in the Iao Valley

The high life

The Yips

Sorry for the prolonged absence.  I have been working on a book!!!  Or, in other words, I have been staring at a blank screen for a whole year.  Ok, Ok, that may not be completely true.  I have worked quite a bit.  I just got stuck.  As a baseball player may say, "I've got the yips!"

I have been trying to write about the lessons I've learned, and the healing that I've done, but I thought that I needed to write about the accident to do that.  Yes, I should mention the accident, but I was going into such detail, that it was way too painful of an experience for me.  I finally had an epiphany.  I realized that I didn't have to talk about every last detail.  I could just broach the subject and go on from there.

Since that realization, I've been better able to write.  I also realized that this blog was a main inspiration point for me.  I missed being able to pour my heart out on this screen, and have it open my mind to the blessing that surround me everyday.

So, purely for my own benefit, I will continue to blog.  I have cherished the encouraging words that I have received from each of you.  Even seeing the hits on this page has been uplifting.  I have thought from the beginning, that if but one person can benefit from my loss, it will be worth the pain.

Misadventures in Wonderland

So, I decided that the kids and I needed a Vaca, so we hopped on a plane and flew to the happy, sunny land of Disney World, USA.  There is a reason that it is called the happiest place on earth.  I love the nostalgia of Disney.  I love that the moment you step through those gates you feel ten again.  There is no better place to heal your heart.

This is the second time that the kids and I traveled to Disney World.  The first time was two years ago, and only about 4 or 5 months after John died.  That trip was so good for me.  My sweet cousins, and aunts let me talk and cry and laugh the whole trip.  It was however, physically difficult.  I remember pushing that stroller through the parks and actually crying because I was so exhausted.  All the while I was thinking, If only I can make it two more years.  I thought that whole trip, that when I had two years behind me that I would feel better, and that my life would be back to normal.

So, two years down the road from that trip, and I am in the same odd land of uncomfort.  I realized on this trip that my life was never going back to the normal that it use to be.  That's not a bad thing, I guess, just different.  I didn't realize how much denial I was in until this trip.  Though we had a great time, it was hard for me to face reality.

They say that your fondest memories are family vacations.  I agree fully, but sometimes some of the most difficult memories are brought up on family vacations, especially if part of that family is missing.  You know, that being said, we all felt extra close to John on that trip.  It's truly amazing the tender mercies that are given to us just when we need them.

 Rainy days and Mondays don't get us down.

 The kiddo's in front of the tree of life.  Mom and Aves.  The Bros.

 Ethan and Mom ready to tackle Everest.  Mom and Ave in Asia.  Averie and her new friend.  Another shot of the tree of life.

 My Brother Spencer and his wife and kids came with us, which was a huge help, and so much fun.  We got to go to two different character breakfasts, and they were so much fun.  Averie got Mickey to kiss her and she screamed, in her best Marsh Brady, "He kissed me.  He kissed me.  I can't believe he kissed me.  I'll never wash my forehead again!"

 Ethan infront of the castle.  Averie being distracted.  The kiddos complaining that they wanted to go back to the hotel to swim (not ten minutes inside the gates).  The cute poser in the swiss family Robinson treehouse.

 Ethan and Sophie at the Rock'n Rollercoaster.  The kids at the scify drive inn. (cool eatery where the inside looks like outside and you sit in old cars and watch old movies and they serve you dinner)  Ethan and Averie in New York.

 We drove about an hour and a half to the beach where we froze our little bums right off.  The cold doesn't slow the kids down though.

Mom and Ash in Africa.  The Bros picking their switch.  Sissy sue. Cool dude Ethan.

Little Averie's Primary Talk

My heart always jumps into my throat when the primary starts handing out assignments for next week's opening exercises.  There is so much pressure involved in having a part.  You have to make sure that you are going to be there, and prepared.  When you have three kids with asthma, you never know when a rogue virus will sideline the family.  So when Averie came skipping toward me with that cursed little blue note in her hand after church, I knew we were in for it.  

Helping a five year old give a talk in front of a room full of wiggly little munchkins is not my idea of fun, so true to form, I procrastinated.  Sunday morning came a lot quicker than I expected.  I did spend the week thinking about the talk, but not much else.  While I was showering this morning the tiny spark of an idea caught fire.  I started realizing that I was paying attention to the silly conversations that were taking place from time to time during tea parties.  I could recall some of the stories that Averie was re-telling to her dollys and to friends.  I remembered somber chats that we had while tucking the kids into their beds at night.  So, without further ado, here is Averie's talk:

I Know That The Scriptures Are True

I love to learn from the scriptures.  I have learned a lot of stories both at home and here in primary.  There are so many stories that I love, and that I have learned from.  We like to hear about Jonah and the Whale, and Daniel and the Lion’s Den.  We have learned so much about love and sacrifice from the stories of the birth and death of our Savior.  We learned about faith to be healed when the Savior healed the leapers.  My favorite story though is the story about a group of the most righteous kids I have ever heard of. The Stripling Warriors.  All of their fathers were killed in a big war.  They grew up to be brave and amazing people because they were raised by Mothers, Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles who loved the Lord.  They were blessed through their loss just like me and my family has been blessed through our own loss.
I’m grateful for the scriptures and all the things that they teach to me.  I’m grateful to know that my brother Jesus Christ gave his life so that I would be able to be with my daddy again.  I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Silent Night, Humble Night

The children were all tucked in their bed for a long winters nap...which leaves me all alone to wrap 1,000 presents and wipe my tears.  Okay, I may have exaggerated just a bit; there are only 100 presents.  I have been quite surprised at how well this Christmas season has gone for me and the kids.  The last two years have been extremely difficult without John.  We had to put on our game faces and we took it like men.  This year has somehow been a bit easier.  I think that we've finally hit our stride.  Which is probably why I was surprised when the tears started to flow tonight.

We have a family tradition of Christmas eve bowling.  John always loved anything that he could compete in, so naturally he and my brothers would have a great time trying to one up each other.  Tonight, I really missed that.  I felt like I could hear his laugh though.  He use to throw his head back, flash that winning smile, and let out the most contagious laugh.  I really loved that laugh.

Then as we went to my parents for dinner, it just felt empty.  The kids had such a great time, but some of my brothers were missing, and it just wasn't the same.  It was, however hilarious to watch the little kids play musical chairs and be introduced to losing for the first time in their lives.  (Oh the tears, and the kicking, and the head banging)

On the drive home, I was just so lonely.  I knew that I had so much to do tonight, and I had no one to help or to keep me company.  I started to let the tears roll, and suddenly I was kneeling in my family room across from John.  He was holding both my hands in one of his own, and hugging me with the other.  He didn't say anything, he just held me.  I knew that he was just as empty without me as I am without him.  It's so hard this trial that we have had to endure.  Both John and I have had to endure it without the benefit of each others support, though I know that he's always here.  One day we will know the reason for this, but until then it just plain stinks.

I like to use the dentists office for a parable for things that are really painful.  When I'm in the waiting room at the dentist office, I tell myself, "In one hour from now, you'll be driving home, and you'll be thinking, hey that wasn't that bad."  I would like to think that in the near future, I will be able to look back on these dark years and say, Hey that wasn't that bad.

Merry Christmas

From our family to yours:

Merry Christmas!!!

Confusion Re-loaded

I am so sorry it has taken me so long to post.  Between Thanksgiving, book reports, sicknesses, and endless meetings, I have finally found a spare second to put some thoughts down. 

First off, I want to thank each and every one of you for voting for the 

Top Blog award.

I am truly madly deeply humbled by your love and support.

I misunderstood this weeks voting protocol and would like to clear it up.

The Blog Guide Book decided to use a different voting system this week, and that system

allowed for multiple votes

.  However they still asked to keep the voting to one vote per person per week.  Oops!

I take full responsibility for that one.  

I do want to make sure to let everyone know how very thankful that I am for your continued concern in my life and the lives of my family.  

I hope to be able to properly pay tribute to all that you have done for us, just by being there.

We have no idea the power that we hold to lift one another, or the share each others burdens.

Most of the time we are lead astray by the thought that a physical service has to be provided in order to be a help.  I am here to tell you that that is not the case in any way.

Often, I have been lead through a difficult day by re-reading some comments on this blog.

I have felt of the prayers offered up for us.

I have been buoyed up, just knowing that I have people out there that care for me.

We all have that power within us.  

Let's use our strengths for what they were given to us for...

Be a constant light in the darkness.