Sunday, October 24, 2010


It's still a strangely sad feeling to me to have the kids tucked in their beds and not have a soul to talk to.  The last few nights have been especially hard, I think because I've had some down time to really think about it.  I have intentionally kept myself overly busy just so that when I finally stopped for the night, I would be exhausted enough to sleep right away.  The recent problem has been not just down time, but dreams.  I swear I can't catch a break.

I finally made myself attend a singles activity.  I h.a.t.e. those things, but I figured that I couldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself if I didn't at least put forth some effort.  So, a great friend of mine accompanied me to a costume party of all things.  My friend Leslie, who lost her husband about a year before I did, wasn't way thrilled about the "singles" scene either, but we gave it a go.  When we first got there, it was just uncomfortable.  I felt like a seventh grader at my first stomp.  We walked around for a bit, and then we were going to duck out.  It occurred to me that first of all, no one knew me, and second, I wanted to unwind and have some fun.  So, I dragged Leslie out onto the dance floor, and we had a blast.  I laughed until it hurt.  We talked to a few people, but no love connections were made.  Leslie kept saying, "I can't imagine that I would be meeting my future husband at some singles dance."  I will say this, I can't even picture John being at anything even remotely like this costume party.  Oh well, it was fun.

The singles life is so much harder than I thought it would be, and I thought it would be really hard.  Dating is one thing when there is just you to worry about, but when you have a precious little family at home, boy it's really difficult.  I find that I don't want to deal with any cute quirks, or silliness.  I have really had to sit down and think about what we need for our family to not only survive, but to thrive.  My list has really evolved and changed.  I'm not looking for someone with tons of money, or someone who drives a really cool car.  I'm not looking for someone who is really cool, and has lots of admirers.  I'm looking for someone who knows who he is.  I'm looking for someone who has respect for hard work, and who isn't afraid to roll up his sleeves and get down to business.  I'm looking for someone who upholds his priesthood and hold it dear.  I'm looking for someone who will love my kids like his own, and who wants the same things for them that John wants for them.  I'm looking for someone who will hold me and make me feel safe again.  Someone whom I will want to fight for every single day, who I can give my heart to.  Someone who is kind, and loving, and who will know that even though there are going to be tough times ahead, that all the sacrifice and hard work will all be worth it.

Some people say that I'm way to picky, and maybe to judgemental.  I say, you can never be too picky or too judgemental.  Fifteen years ago, I carried around a list very similar to this one.  My brothers, and my friends teased me that I would never find anyone to fit that description.  I'm here to tell you that I did.  He was perfect for me, and unfortunately we weren't meant to be together for very long here on this earth.  I know that he is working his magic, trying to find the best candidate to help take care of his little family.  I sure wish things didn't have to be this way, but that doesn't change the fact that they are this way.  All I know is that there was a very important reason why these things happened to us, and it isn't for me to understand right now.

Even though the loneliness is very profound, I know that I'm not alone.  It's not the same, and it doesn't erase the pain, but it does give me hope, and isn't that what it's all about?


  1. I've been a lurker on your blog for many, many, months now... I hope that doesn't freak you out. I promise I'm not a psycho. :) I can't remember how I found your blog - probably through a link of a link.

    I haven't ever commented. It always seemed to personal. However, for some reason, now I feel it is the right time to come out of the blog shadows. I wanted to tell you how much I admire you. I am in awe of your strength and courage. I can't imagine what you face every day. My struggles are not the same or as deep, but they are still visible.

    Sometimes when people tell me I'm strong and that I'm an example, I want to say, "No... not really. I'm just doing the best I can and I don't really have a choice." I don't mean to sound mean, just that "it is what it is - you know?"

    I hope that when I say I think you are strong and that you inspire others you know I really mean it. I'm sure others mean that for me too. However, I have grown from reading about your story. I appreciate you sharing your life and struggles so that others may gain perspective on their own life and challenges.

    Your story gives me strength. I truly pray for all the best for you and your family! I'm sure it is beyond hard to put yourself out there again. Well done Sista!

  2. Well said Lisa. You deserve the best! You are such an amazing person.

  3. okay lisa... you are right, we DID have a very similar night last night. i actually began my posting last night with that photo of you and me that you sent me from your phone and i told of the funny experience of our nights and was laughing as i wrote it... but then my posting changed to a more serious tone and i knew i had to split the postings and make them two different postings. so, i have the dance posting ready and waiting in the wings to be posted in a couple of days... and i felt this one that i actually posted was more appropriate for how i was actually feeling last night. it is kinda funny how similar my posting is about the dance party night... so when i post it, i hope you get a kick out of it. :)

    it amazes me that no matter what posting i read of yours, i could be writing the exact same posting on mine and it would ring true in my life as well. i sure miss aaron. i miss him even more when i am around lame guys at a dance party that are so into themselves or into the girls who are not like me at all.

    you are such a dear friend and i just love you to pieces. truly, i owe a lot to jared for telling me to add you as a friend on facebook and write to you. a love connection was NOT made there, but he helped a friendship to develop that i am so grateful for. you and i are so alike and it helps, it TRULY helps me when i talk to you or when we hang out.

    so thank you! and i love you!

  4. you can always talk to me at night...I'm usually up reading your blog :) It's going to be hard for you to find someone who deserves're quite a catch!!

  5. Wow ladies, I'm humbled to say the least. Thank you for such kind words of encouragement and love. Oh, and Nat...that's why I love ya babe!

  6. Lisa, stay away from men dressed as clowns, women and power rangers. These are the men you want to avoid on the singles scene.

    In my other comment section:

    well done cousie, well done. You are a marvelous work and wonder.

  7. I do not know you, nor do you know me. I found this blog randomly, just looking for something to do.

    And I read it all, and I have to say you are an amazing person to have come through all this.

    I have only been married a few months, and allready I can not imagine living without him. I think you are such a strong person for standing tall through all this hardship.

    My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you find happiness, you truely deserve it. I shall be sure to keep up with your blog.

    Thank you so much for reminding me of what really matters in life.