It's still a strangely sad feeling to me to have the kids tucked in their beds and not have a soul to talk to. The last few nights have been especially hard, I think because I've had some down time to really think about it. I have intentionally kept myself overly busy just so that when I finally stopped for the night, I would be exhausted enough to sleep right away. The recent problem has been not just down time, but dreams. I swear I can't catch a break.
I finally made myself attend a singles activity. I h.a.t.e. those things, but I figured that I couldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself if I didn't at least put forth some effort. So, a great friend of mine accompanied me to a costume party of all things. My friend Leslie, who lost her husband about a year before I did, wasn't way thrilled about the "singles" scene either, but we gave it a go. When we first got there, it was just uncomfortable. I felt like a seventh grader at my first stomp. We walked around for a bit, and then we were going to duck out. It occurred to me that first of all, no one knew me, and second, I wanted to unwind and have some fun. So, I dragged Leslie out onto the dance floor, and we had a blast. I laughed until it hurt. We talked to a few people, but no love connections were made. Leslie kept saying, "I can't imagine that I would be meeting my future husband at some singles dance." I will say this, I can't even picture John being at anything even remotely like this costume party. Oh well, it was fun.
The singles life is so much harder than I thought it would be, and I thought it would be really hard. Dating is one thing when there is just you to worry about, but when you have a precious little family at home, boy it's really difficult. I find that I don't want to deal with any cute quirks, or silliness. I have really had to sit down and think about what we need for our family to not only survive, but to thrive. My list has really evolved and changed. I'm not looking for someone with tons of money, or someone who drives a really cool car. I'm not looking for someone who is really cool, and has lots of admirers. I'm looking for someone who knows who he is. I'm looking for someone who has respect for hard work, and who isn't afraid to roll up his sleeves and get down to business. I'm looking for someone who upholds his priesthood and hold it dear. I'm looking for someone who will love my kids like his own, and who wants the same things for them that John wants for them. I'm looking for someone who will hold me and make me feel safe again. Someone whom I will want to fight for every single day, who I can give my heart to. Someone who is kind, and loving, and who will know that even though there are going to be tough times ahead, that all the sacrifice and hard work will all be worth it.
Some people say that I'm way to picky, and maybe to judgemental. I say, you can never be too picky or too judgemental. Fifteen years ago, I carried around a list very similar to this one. My brothers, and my friends teased me that I would never find anyone to fit that description. I'm here to tell you that I did. He was perfect for me, and unfortunately we weren't meant to be together for very long here on this earth. I know that he is working his magic, trying to find the best candidate to help take care of his little family. I sure wish things didn't have to be this way, but that doesn't change the fact that they are this way. All I know is that there was a very important reason why these things happened to us, and it isn't for me to understand right now.
Even though the loneliness is very profound, I know that I'm not alone. It's not the same, and it doesn't erase the pain, but it does give me hope, and isn't that what it's all about?
Clane in charge.
16 hours ago