Friday, October 29, 2010

Memory Blitz

B.C. or before children, I had an amazing memory.  In fact, the memory from those days is still intact.  I just seems that the brain power has been brought down a few notches with each pregnancy.  Then with the loss of John...well let's just say that I'm no longer a threat to the debate club dweebs.  Anyway, there have been so many memories that will come up, and I really have to think hard to figure out if John was there or not.  It's a pretty strange sensation actually.

The other day, one of these memories surfaced.  It was a memory of having to put dilating eye drops into one of Averies' eyes.  In my minds eye, I can clearly see John holding her while I administer the drops.  She really hated those drops.  They were painful, and they made it hard for her to see, so she always threw a fit when it was time for the drops.  This scenario is a perfect example of how our marriage worked.  One of us would hold the squirming child, while the other would work the magic of whatever treatment needed to be performed.  The only problem with this particular memory is that it took place just a few months ago. 

I sat back and thought to myself, "Wow, you're really losing it sister!"  I realized that this wasn't a one time memory blip, but that there were several occasions that I could recall in which John was right there with us, only he couldn't have been.  In fact, one of the times was up at the Alpine slides in Park City.  I can clearly see him laughing with my brothers, while holding Averie's hand and calling to the boys.  I swear to you that the memory is very vivid and very real, however, this outing took place before we even got his body home from Guatemala.  It was a really somber occasion for all of us.  We were still in shock, and just trying our hardest to run from the pain and reality of the situation.  But in my memory, he was there with us.  Handsome as ever.

I guess the thing that became glaringly obvious was the fact that he was there.  He has always been here.  I have always been able to feel him, but maybe I thought that I was pretending a bit.  Funny how I can do that to myself.  I can know something for sure, and still think that I made it up.  I am so grateful for this little realization.  I am so thankful for my sweet memories, and I am especially grateful for the knowledge that those sweet memories can continue to grow.


  1. Wow...thanks for sharing...bawling now. This strengthens my testimony of how thin the veil really is. Our loved ones on the other side can be with us everyday if we are in tune to notice them there. I have felt my younger twin brothers with me throughout my life during the highs and lows...but I think if I paid closer attention I could feel them there even more. So many people discount their feelings when in fact they should be tapping into those feelings more. I think the more we recognize those experiences, the more they happen. Just like when we follow and obey the spirit it can speak,enlighten,prompt, and reveal to us more. What a special gift and comfort these memories and experiences are...thanks again for sharing.

  2. I Have always felt that there are special gaurdian angels that watch over us. I know that John is with you and your beautiful kids as much as he can possibly be. I know he will continue to be there for you and his sweet children forever. Love never dies, it only gets stronger when we see it through the eyes of eternity.

  3. wow, i actually thought i checked your blog last night to see if there was anything new, and there wasn't. i must not have checked late enough... even though i was up until after 4:30.

    I HAD ONE OF THE WORST DAYS i have had in a long long time. wow. my eyes are puffy and swollen today. i was crying HARD and OUT LOUD... with my body shaking as i sobbed.

    because i know what you are talking about, it is amazing to read your words and just know the emptiness you are feeling.

    i am grateful for you. i truly am.

    we widows have got to stick together.

    p.s. (total change of subject) do you wanna apply for 'the amazing race' with me? hahaha! i laugh, but i am totally serious!

  4. I don't know why but that Tab shirt makes me laugh every time I see it :) (yes I click on your blog several times a day)

    I'm so glad you've been blessed to be able to see the times John is still with amazing!! It blows my are very in tune!

  5. Wow I am sobbing now too!!!! It is so true that the veil is so thin. Isn't is amazing. You are so loved!! What an amazing woman you are. O and PS you and Leslie should totaly sign up for the Amazing Race!!!!!!!! That would be FREAKING AWESOME!!! :)

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