Monday, September 14, 2009

Life Lessons

My heart is full tonight and my mind is set on John. I was just thinking about all the things that we have done together. All the firsts we experienced together. First love, first place, first bills, first babies, first "Oh man, what did we get ourselves into!" First real joy when we were married, and one by one our children came into our family. First real sorrow when we lost our baby. All of these firsts built such a foundation for the "Carter Family." I feel like we have lived such a wonderful and all encompassing life, and at the same time, I feel like it was way too short.

I was picking up a little today, and I just walked past a picture of John, and it fully hit me. He's not coming back. I had to sit down it hit so hard. It's easy to go to that safe little place called denial, and set up residence there. I guess I was away so long, that I forgot that I actually have to live this life without him.

Now before I get a whole bunch of "he's always with you" speeches... I know and realize this probably more than most people, but that doesn't make it easy or fair. Nothing, and nobody will ever take his place. He was the one that I could talk to about anything, and he never judged. Most of the time he would just hold me and tell me that he loved me and that everything was going to be okay. I need that so bad right now. I just need to know it will be okay. I just want this to have had meaning and reason. I want others who are struggling to be able to come across this and see that though things are hard, and sometimes unfair, I can get through it with grace and virtue. I want people to realize that just because something bad happens, or some road block is in your way, that doesn't give you licence to throw away everything that you know to be true and right. I want to document the good things that can come out of an experience like this. Because lets face it, there is always good in everything, and if we don't see it, then we are looking in the wrong places.

The scriptures teach us to endure to the end, but if we read on it says endure well. I don't think it counts if we come barreling through the finish line covered in dust and grime, and hanging on to the coat tails of the guy in front of us. I think that we need to stand ourselves up straight, dust ourselves off, and learn to finish the race on our own two feet. Maybe that is part of what I needed to learn in all of this. I needed to gain my own testimony (a greater testimony) in order not to rely so heavily on John's. I needed to not feel so self-conscious about the things that I feel or believe. I needed to learn what was truly important in my life, so that I could teach my children.


  1. You ARE teaching your children and others what is most important in doubt about that!!

    I have family on Dave's side that have gone through some tough trials (nothing in comparison in my eyes...but everything is a different hard to different people) and decided to be angry at God and throw it all (their belief in the gospel) away. (the seeds of truth are still there...but burried WAY deep right now)

    All I can think about that is what a loss. It makes me sad for them and truthfully a little angry at them too.

    I'm so glad you've been blessed to be able to grow spiritually stronger through this...not weeker.

    Sorry you had a bad night :( Hope you found the comfort you needed((HUGS))

  2. I was talking to another sister in the ward just last week and she was so negative about her life. Not good employment for her husband, tough to raise kids, all the normal things that we let into our lives when we think that we are the only ones with trials. Her solution was that she was never going to come to church again. Nobody cared and we're not willing to help. Blame is so easy to put on someone or something when things are not going our way. Funny how attitude makes the difference. I know of no one who has a greater trial than you and no one that has taken a more positive outlook on this extremely hard trial. You will ALWAYS have bad days because you loved so deaply. But your positive attitude is such a strength to your friends.

  3. Why are you guys so sweet to me? Sorry for the rant. Just shows that I'm still a little crazy. Thank you for your friendships.

  4. Lisa, you are the good!!! Look how you have inspired us, changed us for the better and taught us how to find that good, that hope, that love, that peace. You are living a testimony of good, just by getting out of bed each day. I love you and am so grateful I get to have you as a cousin!!!

  5. ok there is nothing like a good cry after spending upwards of 12 hours in the car with screaming kids :) But I have thought this many times of you. I can't believe how incrediblely spiritual you are. You are so in tune and so incredible. You are truly my hero for the way you handle things. I know hard days are every day for you. Some tollerable and some are crawl in a hole days but at the end of that day you crawl out and keep moving. YOU ARE AMAZING!!!! Your situation always makes me think "what if" and now my "what if" days I wonder if I would be able to be as amazing as you. I don't know if you saw my blog the other day but I had a very big "what if" day the other day. Except it was "what if" I hadn't made it through my situation. I know I was closer to death than I remember but there are many times I wonder why I was so lucky. But then I look at you. The lord has a purpose for everything wether we understand it or not. But he has made you such a shining example of what a person should be. No matter what hits you you jump up and handle it with grace and beauty. You really are my hero. I am so sorry you had such a bad day but just know our prayers are always with you. (((HUGGS)))

  6. Lisa you are an amazing woman. It's very clear why John married you. When I have tough days and I grumble like Laman and Lemuel, I think of you and your strength. You are such a Nephi.

  7. I have to say that most people take an entire lifetime to learn some of the lessons you are learning - and that is if they learn it at all. If I ever get to the point where you are now - where I can look at my life and its trials the significant and insignificant ones and try to find the lessons that I am supposed to learn than I will feel like I could leave this earth saying I've done well. You are an inspiration to me - and I really hope I can grow up to be just like you!!!!

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