My heart is full tonight and my mind is set on John. I was just thinking about all the things that we have done together. All the firsts we experienced together. First love, first place, first bills, first babies, first "Oh man, what did we get ourselves into!" First real joy when we were married, and one by one our children came into our family. First real sorrow when we lost our baby. All of these firsts built such a foundation for the "Carter Family." I feel like we have lived such a wonderful and all encompassing life, and at the same time, I feel like it was way too short.
I was picking up a little today, and I just walked past a picture of John, and it fully hit me. He's not coming back. I had to sit down it hit so hard. It's easy to go to that safe little place called denial, and set up residence there. I guess I was away so long, that I forgot that I actually have to live this life without him.
Now before I get a whole bunch of "he's always with you" speeches... I know and realize this probably more than most people, but that doesn't make it easy or fair. Nothing, and nobody will ever take his place. He was the one that I could talk to about anything, and he never judged. Most of the time he would just hold me and tell me that he loved me and that everything was going to be okay. I need that so bad right now. I just need to know it will be okay. I just want this to have had meaning and reason. I want others who are struggling to be able to come across this and see that though things are hard, and sometimes unfair, I can get through it with grace and virtue. I want people to realize that just because something bad happens, or some road block is in your way, that doesn't give you licence to throw away everything that you know to be true and right. I want to document the good things that can come out of an experience like this. Because lets face it, there is always good in everything, and if we don't see it, then we are looking in the wrong places.
The scriptures teach us to endure to the end, but if we read on it says endure well. I don't think it counts if we come barreling through the finish line covered in dust and grime, and hanging on to the coat tails of the guy in front of us. I think that we need to stand ourselves up straight, dust ourselves off, and learn to finish the race on our own two feet. Maybe that is part of what I needed to learn in all of this. I needed to gain my own testimony (a greater testimony) in order not to rely so heavily on John's. I needed to not feel so self-conscious about the things that I feel or believe. I needed to learn what was truly important in my life, so that I could teach my children.
Clane in charge.
16 hours ago