Battle Cry

Life has been a bit hectic lately. I feel like I achieve very little in the day, and yet I'm constantly on the move. I guess that's what the life of a soccer mom is all about. Between a weeks worth of piano lessons, scouts, dance, soccer practice, two soccer games, and chores there doesn't seem to be any time to just be.

In the last few weeks I have really been ticked that John isn't here. Life would sure be a lot easier if there was an extra set of hands, not to mention a strong back around here. I have felt so ripped off (well that was the PG version of my feelings anyway), especially lately. The bigger the kids get, the busier they become. I feel like I'm constantly a step behind and I have to run to get even. I'm exhausted!

I was at one of Ethan's games the other night, and I was listening to all the dads coaching their boys from the sidelines. They are critiquing them or encouraging them, and I'm watching Ethan patiently ride the bench. The anger that bubbled to the surface was fierce. Here my child sat watching his friends play the game, all because he doesn't have a dad out there to stand up for him, and coach him. I kept thinking, "If John were here, this would all be different!"

That statement is true in that John would be his coach so he probably would have more, at least fair playing time. However, that statement is also false in that John worked long crazy hours, and probably wouldn't have the time or energy to work with Ethan any more than I can now. There are families all over who have both parents, and the fact of the matter is they don't have any more time or resources than I do. We're all in the same boat. Yes, there are a select few who make it work out, but for the most part, we are all just trying to make it through to tomorrow.

Of course my life would be easier with John here, but for whatever reason that is not to be. I need to adapt and change and make it all work out. There is a kid that comes to piano after Ethan and Ashton that has impressed me more than almost anything. He was born with deformities in both arms. His arms are short, and jointed wrong, and the hands that are connected are deformed with only three or four fingers on each hand. To see this boy at piano lessons is like seeing a boxer in a tutu, it's just out of place. I thought the first time that I saw him, "Wow that is so great that his mom would try to do this for her son." The first time I heard him play, I was blown away. That kid plays like he is whole. Now, what if his mom said, sorry kid there is no way you can play the piano, you have a handicap. Instead, she told him that there was nothing that he couldn't do.

I now look at my life a little bit different. Yes, I have a handicap (quit your laughing, and get serious), but I'm going to defy gravity on this one. There is no way I'm going to let this beat me or my family. I may have to move a mountain or two, but hey what's a little manual labor?

Happy Birthday Johnny

March 17, 2010 marks what would be John's 35th birthday. It was a hard day, scratch that...couple of weeks. For some strange reason, I wasn't expecting it to be so hard, when in fact it was marginally harder than last year.

My sweet mother shares a birthday with my Johnny, which has always been tricky, but now it's just really hard. We went down in the morning to take her to breakfast. Mike, Lisa, their kids, and Danny met us at the restaurant. It was really great to be able to have that time with her, and have it be about only her. I still sat at the table and cried right in the middle of the restaurant.

Later, my parents came up to the cemetery, and me and the kids stood with them and re-lived our favorite memories of John. I found myself so chocked up that I couldn't even speak. Did I mention that it was a hard day???

In the evening, we asked Ivan and LuDene, and Shawn and Mel and the kids to come up and send balloons up with us. Last year we ended up with quite the party. I couldn't face that this year, but I knew I had to do something for the kids.

The very best thing that can come from really painful experiences like this is...I miss him fiercely because I loved him so completely. I am grateful for the little lessons in life that remind me of how far I've come, and how blessed I am.






Aunt Mel brought all the balloons, and generally takes wonderful care of us. We love you Mel!

Crazy Carters in action. Malorie and Savana came up last minute to help us. Love you guys




Ashton and Averie were so excited to write cute messages to their daddy.


Ivan, ready for the countdown





Ethan, has had a really hard time without his dad, but is doing well.


Shawn, writing his message! Such a great brother


LuDene, brave as ever!

Blind Dates and Bars

So I have decided that my pitiful life provides tons of cannon fodder for my friends. Case in point, I got a text the other night from a friend of mine who is also the Elders Quorum President. He said, "Hey, I'm planning a fun group date Saturday and I want you to be there. So I have an assignment for you." Oh man, not good words for me to read. He later called and explained that there is a guy in our ward that they are wanting to fellowship, and they didn't want him to be the odd man out, so he wanted me to come along so he wouldn't feel weird.

"So, you want me to feel like the odd man out?" I quipped
"No, we want you to come one way or the other, and it's not really a date. We are going to take the Trax train down to Salt Lake and walk around, it will be fun." He lied
"Well, okay, if it's not a date." I conceded

The phone rang again about twenty minutes later, and my friend on the other line says, "He is sooo excited for your date!"
"You sucker, I can't believe you did that!" I said
"I also told him that trains turn you on, so to take you in the back and make out with you." He laughed

So lets just say that I got my revenge. Saturday came and in the early afternoon I had a bridal shower to attend at my moms house, so the group that we were going out with were meeting me there. My sister-in-law (who was one of the members of the group) came in to get me, at which point my wonderfully unabashed aunt Andrea decided it would be hilarious if she pretended to be me. We figured he hadn't ever met me, so he'd be none the wiser. Well she ran out to the van (fifteen passenger by the way), crawled back several rows, snuggled up to this complete stranger, rested her head on his shoulder and said, "Hi, I'm Lisa, where are we off to?"

Poor, poor, poor guy. To say that he turned red would be an understatement. He was so shaken up. Can you imagine, first being in a van full of the Elders Quorum Presidency and their wives when you are inactive is probably anxious enough, but add an overly enthusiastic date to the mix, and boy..... At least he has a great story to tell, if he dares relive the embarrassment.

To make a silly story short here are the things that we can learn from said experience.

1. There will always be something to laugh about
2. Why not go out of your way to befriend someone
3. Always let crazy people talk you into impossible situations, it makes life like a little party
4. Laughter really is the best medicine.
   

Relief Society Site

Hey Morgan friends, check out our new R.S. blog. Pass it on... www.morgan5rs.blogspot.com

Sentimental Days of Yore

I've been trolling old computers and I have found tons on pictures. I thought I would post a few that really mean a lot to me.
*Caution: Photo overload ahead


Johnny and Ashton on a hike Bridal Veil Falls

John was mad I was snapping all the pics. I kept taking pictures of his bum. (hehehe)

Beautiful little Ethan






Cutie Pie Asthty Boy


Daddy and baby Aves


Here is another complaining picture. "Why are you taking all these crazy pictures?" "Why don't you get over here with the kids, and I'll take some pictures?"

Bum shot, but sure cute



John and I with some of our Youth Conference kids. Book of Mormon charades.

Lindsey Carter, Danielle Wall, Marissa Jensen, Tanner Hales, John, Ashley Volkert, Me, and Trace Tyrell (behind) Youth Conference '07 the Stripling Warriors.

This is me doing "The Parable of the Tide Pen" talk. I thought my talks started after the accident, but now that I see this, I remember that there were a few before.

Me, John, and Jodi and Tim Rankin before the Conference.

This is Lindsey, our niece. This picture makes me feel like he should be walking through the door at any minute. I'm still in shock I think. I can't believe that he's not coming back. Some days I wish I could just get over it. It's been a year and a half, but it feels like a couple of weeks, and and eternity all at the same time. Oh the weirdness of grief. I have come to the conclusion that grief, who I think we should call Frank, is bipolar, or completely schizophrenic. Dang that Frank!

Wisdom and Old stuff

Awwwwww, did you ever see two cuter boys? I found these pics on the old laptop. I've been looking at them for several months, and trying to remember was life was like then. It seems so long ago, and yet it was almost just yesterday. Ethan as 5 in this picture, and Ashton was 1.



This was taken on the day Ashton was born. You can tell that Daddy had been up all night. He was so excited to introduce Ethan to his little brother.


Normally I would not include such a terrible picture of myself, but I just went through childbirth, and I don't look half bad for such a feat, and the look on Johnny's face is priceless. Oh I miss him so much. I still feel like he's just on a business trip, and he will be home any day now.

We are coming up on a year and a half. I can't believe it's been that long. Last night I cried myself to sleep again, just wishing I could talk to him. It's hard when you can be gone all day, and there is no one to call or check in with. I'll sit in class and everyone is checking in with their spouse, and I just sit there. Every now and again I'll get the chance to run errands by myself. I always think it will be great to have some time to myself, but inevitably I end up crying. I hate to be here by myself.

I learned something very important, get out your pens, or highlighters because this is wisdom I tell ya. Life is always an uphill battle. If we are not constantly engaged in moving upward our muscles will atrophy, and our legs won't be strong. The top of the mountain is the goal. Once we get there the vantage point will open up and we will be able to see and understand what it was all for.

So there you have it. I figure that I'm about 2/3rds the way up. I have a pretty good view of the things behind me, and I have an okay view of some of the stuff ahead and around me. I just passed one of the spots that I needed some extra equipment, like ropes, crampons, carabeaners (don't know how to spell that word), and a harness. The path I chose was the best path for me. It has its rough spots, but my Father packed my safety equipment, and boy you should see my buff arms and legs at this point.

Hallelujah

Well Christmas is over...HALLELUJAH!!!!! The kids had a wonderful holiday. They have been in a candy, toy, electronic induced stupor even into the day after Christmas. Oh to be a kid, where magic is real, all your dreams come true, and an old fat man in a red suit sneaks in and leaves gifts a plenty. (That actually sounds pretty creepy, when you think about it)

I am thankful for all those who have helped me and my little family through the last sixteen months, but especially through the last few holidays. It's been really hard, and there are only a few people that would understand the exact degree of difficulty. In fact, I sit here now, physically sick with sadness. There are times that I wonder if my heart will actually survive, and not in the emotional sense, but the actual ability to continue to beat sense.

I wish there was a magic pill that would take all the pain away. If I could invent such a thing, I would be wealthy beyond Bill Gates standards. The problem is, the pain is there to teach us what is really important in life.

Hollywood makes family seem like a thing that we are saddled with when we are either irresponsible, or finally done having fun. And then, it's easily expendable, just get a good pre-nup and attorney and your good to go. However, if that is the case, then why is it so painful when a family falls apart? Why is it that when one family member is no longer here, there is a gaping hole that threatens to swallow you whole.

My testimony of family had grown infinitely through the loss of my sweetheart. I know that what we had here on this earth will continue into the eternities, but I miss him so much that the pain makes me make certain promises to myself about the things that I will do for the rest of this life and on and on. Here are a few of those promises.

• Say "I Love You" to everyone that I do love, as much as possible
• Hug more
• Pay attention to the small moments of life, they are the most important
• Acknowledge feelings for what they are, and deal with them appropriately.
• Stop worrying about what others think of me, only worry about what the Lord and my family thinks of me.
• Take time to watch a movie with the kids
• Read together as a family
• Laugh as often as you can, even if you have to make up an excuse.
• Make sure that the important people in your life know that they are important
• Trust your instincts, they are a gift of the spirit, and they won't lead you astray.

This list could go on for an eternity. It actually has a lot of bullet points for marriage, but I will leave those out for now, they're just too painful.