For everyone who has lost a loved one, you know that there is no such thing as moving on. I am still taken back by people who tell me that I need to move on. How do I move on? YOU move on! Am I just supposed to flip a switch, and the man that I love with every ounce of my being is just erased? I have an eternal bond with him, I can't just forget him.
My dear friend came over this week and helped me pack up some of his things. How wonderful to have true friends. Friends that you don't have to hold back emotions from. Friends who listen, and try to understand, even when they don't totally get it. (and I hope they never have to be in a position to get it.) Friends who give up their own time to take care of you when you aren't able to take care of yourself.
It seems that friendships are tested the most when a dire situation arises. It is then that you know who you can really count on. I have, by what I can only describe as an act of God, ended up with a truly amazing group of friends. These people have been there no matter what. They haven't been scared away by sadness or pain, they haven't been put off by exhaustion. They have gladly lent their love, strength, time, and service without ever having thought of repayment. How can there ever be a more perfect act of Christ-like love? I can only hope to be but a portion of what was given to me.
I have found myself really in a bad place today. I have been in tears most of the day. I have wondered why this happened to us. I have questioned every decision that we made for the last several years. I have wished I could take it all back, and start over. This is a dark place that I have never let myself go to before today. Nothing good can come from these thoughts. There is a song that says, "When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul, you're in ruins." How true is that statement. I sat down to the computer to hash out some of my thoughts, and I was surprised that what came out was my love and appreciation for my friends. I have learned in these few short minutes that, no matter what happens in our lives, Heavenly Father surrounds us with lifeguards to save us from our own thoughts. These earthly angels are here to ground us, to make us see what is really important, and to remind us that life really is worth living, even when it's hard.
Thank you to all my wonderful friends, and loving angels.
This is the story of one woman's navigation through grief following the loss of her true love, and husband of almost eleven years. Questions of who am I now, questions of how to raise the kids alone, and leaning how to live again will be confronted, hopefully in a positive and meaningful light.