Gratitude is Lattitude

With it being the month of Thanksgiving, I found it to be fitting to A. rip off your friends ideas, and B. try to properly express those things that I am the most grateful for.  My goal here is to use a post a day to express my gratitude.  There will never be enough days in November, or enough Novembers to properly express my immense gratitude, but I'm going to give it a shot anyway.

I was supposed to start this yesterday, so I will use this post to make up for yesterday as well.

*1.  I am so very grateful for the tremendous opportunity that I was given of being a Mother.  All I ever wanted in the world was to be a wife and a mother.  I can't tell you how often I have had to pinch myself.  My two biggest dreams came true.  Now, I'm not saying that it's been a cake walk, my kids will attest to that, but it's been wonderful.  The good, the bad, and the ugliness of motherhood is beyond description.

  Just tonight, I put the kids to bed, and within minutes I hear the familiar gagging sound that I have come to associate with my beautiful daughter.  The kid has a bowl next to her be at all times, because she believes that whenever you cough, you must also empty your entire stomach contents.  Well problem is, the bowl is of no use, because she insists on getting out of bed and trailing throw up from her bed to the bathroom.  UGHHH!  This little incident may be classified as an ugly, but as I was cleaning up the mess, I realized how I wouldn't trade this job for the world.  When a tiny voice says, "I'm sorry mom, I sure love ya."  Man, it makes everything worth it.

This is the scene that I usually find when I check on the kiddos.

*2.  Marriage
Through the years I have met so many people.  I have always been impressed by individual strengths, and inane talents and abilities.  For so many years I thought that I was totally skipped in the whole "talent" category.  It took many years to figure out those things that I am really good at.  The reason it took me so long was because my particular gifts are not the usual run of the mill "talent show" talents.  One of these talents is that of wife.

I know, I know, how is that a talent?  Well I will tell you how.  I L-O-V-E-D being married.  I  lived to serve my husband.  I loved to see him smile.  I loved to hear about his day.  I loved that he called me on his way home from work and we would talk until he got home, knowing that he would be swarmed with kids as soon as he walked in the door.  I loved being able to cook for him, and hear him brag to all his friends and co-workers about how spoiled he was.  I loved that he was always there for me, and I loved to be there for him.

Marriage is the ultimate team sport, and boy were we competitive.  We could have given pretty much everyone a run for their money.  Now you may be saying to yourself, Hey I'm the same way.  Well my friend, then you too have this gift.  Hold it dear.  Cultivate it.  Work on it always.  It is truly a blessing to be able to have someone in your corner at all times, whether that someone is here or gone.

Happy Halloween

Well, we did it.  Another holiday down.  As obscure as Halloween is, I love it!  It is the only time in your life that you get to pretend to be someone that you aren't (Within reason of course).  The kids and I carved pumpkins, and roasted pumpkin seeds.  I was crazy tired and had been dealing with a sick little Averie, so I told the kids that if they wanted to carve pumpkins, that they had to actually do the work themselves.  You see in past years, I clean out a pile of pumpkins, and then within minutes they have lost interest and I am left to carve four pumpkins by myself.  I usually end up spending the midnight hours cursing like a sailor (in my mind of course, and usually made-up words, but still) and sawing away at the stupid pumpkins.

So, I cut off the tops, and let them go to it.  Even Averie did her own pumpkin!  Holy cow, I have babied them all these years.  Those little suckers played me.  They even separated the seeds from the pulp so that we could have some delicious roasted pumpkin seeds.

I wish I would have had a recorder going through all of this, because it was quite funny.  Averie kept saying, "This is hopeless!"  Where does she even get stuff like that.  Ashton, I pretty sure was saying some words that he knew his mama didn't want him saying, but somehow he got away with it.  And Ethan, just quietly went to work.  It was a great night.

We ended up at my Bro and Sister-in-laws for dinner before trick-or-treating, and guess who was the only adult dressed up???  You got it.  Seriously.  What's with you grown-ups?  You too good for acting like a kid?  Well, you really missed out!

Here are some pics from our great adventures.

Ethan hard at work.  Ashton showing us who's boss.  Averie, proud as can be.  Me, all concentration.

Just before the lighting ceremony.  You can cast your vote now.

Top l. Ethan as the Reaper, Ashton as Ironman, Bottom l. Averie as stuff she found in the dress-up box, and Ethan sans mask.

Who am I you ask?  Well, I have no idea.  I just grabbed some stuff and put it on.

Didn't they do such a great job? (top l. Me, Ave, bottom l. Ethan, Ash)

Memory Blitz

B.C. or before children, I had an amazing memory.  In fact, the memory from those days is still intact.  I just seems that the brain power has been brought down a few notches with each pregnancy.  Then with the loss of John...well let's just say that I'm no longer a threat to the debate club dweebs.  Anyway, there have been so many memories that will come up, and I really have to think hard to figure out if John was there or not.  It's a pretty strange sensation actually.

The other day, one of these memories surfaced.  It was a memory of having to put dilating eye drops into one of Averies' eyes.  In my minds eye, I can clearly see John holding her while I administer the drops.  She really hated those drops.  They were painful, and they made it hard for her to see, so she always threw a fit when it was time for the drops.  This scenario is a perfect example of how our marriage worked.  One of us would hold the squirming child, while the other would work the magic of whatever treatment needed to be performed.  The only problem with this particular memory is that it took place just a few months ago. 

I sat back and thought to myself, "Wow, you're really losing it sister!"  I realized that this wasn't a one time memory blip, but that there were several occasions that I could recall in which John was right there with us, only he couldn't have been.  In fact, one of the times was up at the Alpine slides in Park City.  I can clearly see him laughing with my brothers, while holding Averie's hand and calling to the boys.  I swear to you that the memory is very vivid and very real, however, this outing took place before we even got his body home from Guatemala.  It was a really somber occasion for all of us.  We were still in shock, and just trying our hardest to run from the pain and reality of the situation.  But in my memory, he was there with us.  Handsome as ever.

I guess the thing that became glaringly obvious was the fact that he was there.  He has always been here.  I have always been able to feel him, but maybe I thought that I was pretending a bit.  Funny how I can do that to myself.  I can know something for sure, and still think that I made it up.  I am so grateful for this little realization.  I am so thankful for my sweet memories, and I am especially grateful for the knowledge that those sweet memories can continue to grow.

Hope

It's still a strangely sad feeling to me to have the kids tucked in their beds and not have a soul to talk to.  The last few nights have been especially hard, I think because I've had some down time to really think about it.  I have intentionally kept myself overly busy just so that when I finally stopped for the night, I would be exhausted enough to sleep right away.  The recent problem has been not just down time, but dreams.  I swear I can't catch a break.

I finally made myself attend a singles activity.  I h.a.t.e. those things, but I figured that I couldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself if I didn't at least put forth some effort.  So, a great friend of mine accompanied me to a costume party of all things.  My friend Leslie, who lost her husband about a year before I did, wasn't way thrilled about the "singles" scene either, but we gave it a go.  When we first got there, it was just uncomfortable.  I felt like a seventh grader at my first stomp.  We walked around for a bit, and then we were going to duck out.  It occurred to me that first of all, no one knew me, and second, I wanted to unwind and have some fun.  So, I dragged Leslie out onto the dance floor, and we had a blast.  I laughed until it hurt.  We talked to a few people, but no love connections were made.  Leslie kept saying, "I can't imagine that I would be meeting my future husband at some singles dance."  I will say this, I can't even picture John being at anything even remotely like this costume party.  Oh well, it was fun.

The singles life is so much harder than I thought it would be, and I thought it would be really hard.  Dating is one thing when there is just you to worry about, but when you have a precious little family at home, boy it's really difficult.  I find that I don't want to deal with any cute quirks, or silliness.  I have really had to sit down and think about what we need for our family to not only survive, but to thrive.  My list has really evolved and changed.  I'm not looking for someone with tons of money, or someone who drives a really cool car.  I'm not looking for someone who is really cool, and has lots of admirers.  I'm looking for someone who knows who he is.  I'm looking for someone who has respect for hard work, and who isn't afraid to roll up his sleeves and get down to business.  I'm looking for someone who upholds his priesthood and hold it dear.  I'm looking for someone who will love my kids like his own, and who wants the same things for them that John wants for them.  I'm looking for someone who will hold me and make me feel safe again.  Someone whom I will want to fight for every single day, who I can give my heart to.  Someone who is kind, and loving, and who will know that even though there are going to be tough times ahead, that all the sacrifice and hard work will all be worth it.

Some people say that I'm way to picky, and maybe to judgemental.  I say, you can never be too picky or too judgemental.  Fifteen years ago, I carried around a list very similar to this one.  My brothers, and my friends teased me that I would never find anyone to fit that description.  I'm here to tell you that I did.  He was perfect for me, and unfortunately we weren't meant to be together for very long here on this earth.  I know that he is working his magic, trying to find the best candidate to help take care of his little family.  I sure wish things didn't have to be this way, but that doesn't change the fact that they are this way.  All I know is that there was a very important reason why these things happened to us, and it isn't for me to understand right now.

Even though the loneliness is very profound, I know that I'm not alone.  It's not the same, and it doesn't erase the pain, but it does give me hope, and isn't that what it's all about?

Corn Maze

Last weekend, my friend Jamie and I took our kiddos to a fun little corn maze/fun center.  It was so great to get out into the fresh fall air and run and laugh and play.  Wow, it really does a body good. 

 Here's my sweet little toothless Ashton cheesing it up.

 Averie and Lucy...forever best friends

 Gotcha!  (it's always a good day when I can spring a pic on an unsuspecting Jamie)

 Sweet little gals

 Ashton, Scarlett, and Sarah

Ashton was getting a little worries that we would never find our way out.

 Ethan and Noah took off like a shot, map in hand and ready to conquer the big maze on their own.

 Awe!  So cute.

 Lo, and behold, they made it back alive.

 I need to remember this contraption next time I have extra bails of straw.

Look at the face on the little one. (Averie, not Jamie. Ha!)

Stake Conference

I was asked to speak in Stake Conference last week. It really was a great experience for me. I was able to put a lot of prayer and pondering and scripture study into the preparation for the meeting, and the payoff was amazing. The talks were beautiful, the music was mesmerizing, and the spirit there was matchless.

I have been so humbled by those who have gone out of their way to give me such wonderful feed back about my talk. I thank each and every one of you. It is wonderful to live here with you, and partake of your beautiful spirits. So many have asked for a copy of the talk, you here you go.

It is truly a blessing for me to be here with you this beautiful Sabbath
morning. I usually sit clear in the back on a hard and squeaky chair, but
I got the royal treatment today and have a very soft quiet chair. That
is just one of the many perks that come with being asked to speak in
Stake Conference.

This last week one of my dear friends passed away. He was actually
the one who set my husband and me up. His passing has been very
trying for me and my family, and yet a blessing as well. I spent a lot of
time contemplating the various trials and adversities that come into
our lives and how different people deal with them. While watching his
beautiful family, I was able to see the Lord work miracles in their lives
and manifest His love to them in so many undeniable ways. Though the
heart break hits very close to home, I am grateful to have been a part
of this last week with them. Interestingly enough, I was asked to speak
here today about keeping covenants through adversity.

I have always believed that we learn certain truths through trials,
and it becomes our responsibility to share those experiences and
lessons learned. The spirit will prompt us to share our testimonies
and will prepare the listener to hear the message. This is what I have
experienced to be very true. Not only are we strengthened through our
trials, but so are those around us.

Loss, heartache, sadness, pain and sickness are just a few of the things
that we may experience in our lives, but with those experiences come
the greatest learning opportunities.

Elder Bruce D. Porter of the Seventy tells us: Christ’s example teaches
us that a broken heart is an eternal attribute of godliness. When our
hearts are broken, we are completely open to the Spirit of God and
recognize our dependence on Him for all that we have and all that we

are. The sacrifice so entailed is a sacrifice of pride in all its forms. Like
malleable clay in the hands of a skilled potter, the brokenhearted can
be molded and shaped in the hands of the Master.

With a broken heart and a contrite spirit we are made humble and that
humility allows us to be taught.

As many of you know I lost my husband, John carter, in a plane crash
while he was on a humanitarian service trip in Guatemala two years
ago. Since that happened I have felt every type of emotion and thought
that span the whole spectrum from shock and surprise to sorrow to
anger. But I found that whatever I was feeling I needed and wanted to
keep the spirit of the Lord with me.

I’m sure some people would have understood if I had harbored feelings
of anger toward God for putting me through this tragedy but there is no
strength in anger and rejection. The way through these dark times is by
following the spirit and maintaining an attitude that allows us to move
with it.

In John 14:27 we find these words from our Savior. “Peace I leave
with you, my peace I give unto you, (now this is the most powerful
part to me) not as the world giveth, give I unto you, Let not your heart
be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” I have spent many sleepless
nights praying that for the peace spoken of in this scripture. I realized
that when the “world” offers to fix something for us, they offer an
immediate relief. They slap a pretty, painless band aid on the situation
and we no longer have to immediately deal with whatever is ailing
us. The way the Lord works is much more subtle. He doesn’t take all
the pain away, but he gently gives us tools and stepping stones. He
dresses us in courage and opens our eyes to the ministering angels
that surround us. It is in these times of difficulty that we are shown
who we really are and who we are meant to be. We are brought to a
remembrance of our eternal nature, and we realize that all of these
helps and blessings have been there all along. We just needed to see
them and allow them to bless our lives.

This life is a series of progressive steps that we must take on our
individual paths to perfection. There are reasons that we are faced
with certain trials and adversities when we are. They are essential in
our growth, because we are meant to build upon them.

I have often wondered if I would have been able to face this trial in
front of me, If I hadn’t first had to face the hardship of being financially
strapped, because it was in those lean years that my family and I
learned how to pray earnestly and how to rely on the Lord. And would
I have been able to meet that trial if I didn’t first have to face seeing
all of my friends married and having families of their own, when I was
still single and alone. It was through that time in my life that I learned
how to listen to the spirit and I learned how to let the comforter into
my heart. Finally, would I have known how to pray for comfort if first
as a child, a lost dog hadn’t prompted a small and very sincere prayer
that resulted in the reunion of a beloved pet. These are just a sample

of some of the tools that are now in my tool box, but my most precious
tools are the covenants that I made.

The covenants that we have made are like a life raft. When
the “tsunami” of adversity hits, it would be very easy to be overcome
and drown. It is our covenant “life raft” that keeps us afloat, and
transports us safely to the shore. We can be saved and have passage
home, but it is up to us to decide whether or not to get in the boat. It
seems like an easy choice, but sometimes confusion sets in and we are
quickly in over our heads. If we have first placed the value of that life
raft above all else, then we can’t be confused by the waves and the
chaos that surrounds us.

As a child I made a baptismal covenant that I always promised to
keep. As an adult I made several others jointly with my husband, and
together we place the highest of values on those covenants. So when
that wave hit, I grabbed hold of person that I knew had the power to
help me through the rough waters. There are still treacherous waters a
head, but I still hold to the safety of the raft.

The covenants that I have made from baptism at the age of eight to the
covenant of eternal marriage in the temple were promised to come
with great blessings predicated upon my faithfulness. I testify that
these are not empty promises. These are powerful contracts that I have
been the beneficiary of. And I have seen how our entire Carter family
have been blessed by keeping close to the Lord and each other.

I have been blessed immensely by thousands of hours of selfless service
from this community. Whether all of the people who have helped our
family know it or not but they have been doing their part of an eternal
covenant with God to help the poor and the fatherless and to lift the
hands that hang down and for that you will be blessed because God
keeps his promises.

Tell yourselves now that if and when tragedy strikes or when times
in your life get hard you will not turn away from your covenants
or the Lord. You are clear thinking now and you can do a lot to
prepare for adversity just by making that promise to yourself.

What I know now after having spent two full years in the arms of the
Lord is both mind blowing, and very simple. I know that our father
in heaven knows each of us personally. I know that we are never
alone. And that the comforter is real. I know that the prayers of others
truly affect our lives. I am sure that I will see John again. I know that
he is with us each and every day. I testify that the spirit teaches us individually, and answers are given if we but ask and listen. I know that my Savior loves me, and has felt my pain. I know that as long as I uphold my covenants, I will have a wonderful eternal life with my
family.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is true and was given to us to help us
through this life especially when those Tsunami’s of adversity hit.

While I have this opportunity I want to thank all of you for your loving
kindness and help. I also express my love to Ivan and LuDene Carter,
my “other parents” and all the Carter family. I couldn’t have picked a better family to marry into. I love each and everyone of them so much,

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen

The Silence is Over

It's been a long time coming. I have had some technical difficulties, namely laziness, lack of foresight, and all out attention deficit. I got a new computer, and I don't have the right cables to upload pictures just yet, so sorry if it's just a bit dull without pix. Tomorrow I will begin to procrastinate about finding the cable.

Have you ever been offered everything you could ever want or need, only to figure out that someone else' need is far above your own? I had a dream last night that was just that. The thing is, I don't think it was a dream at all. Heavenly Father came to me after almost two years of the most intense praying and sadness I have ever experienced. He said, "Okay Lisa, you can now be with John. I have heard your prayers, and I want to bless you with togetherness."

I was beyond happy. I kept asking if this was really happening. I was so excited. My test had finally come to an end, and I got to be with my sweetheart at last. Then he said, "Of course you have passed, and you are free to come with me, but you will have to leave your children behind."

You can imagine my sorrow. I have begged and pleaded with Heavenly Father to make this nightmare all go away. I have asked him to rewind time. I have asked him to take me instead. I have tried everything. Not too many people know how painful it is to live without the best part of you. Now, I am faced with the hardest decision of my life...Stay and raise our children, or go be with my love.

I ran through every possible sinario. I tried it every way that I could, and no matter how I did it, those beautiful kids wouldn't be okay without their mom. I kept thinking, they're so little, they will be okay, but then I remember all the nights that I have rocked crying children to bed who miss their daddy. It just wasn't my time. Those kids saved me, and now I will never stop fighting for them.

Darn that Heavenly Father, he sure knows how to work me. I woke up with my eyes almost glued shut with shed tears. I know that this dream was a little lesson for me in courage. No matter how much I want this stupid accident to have never happened...it did! There is no way around it. There is only now, and the life you make for yourself. Courage is waking up in the morning and taking it for what it is. It's looking into the future with open eyes, and excitement. It's looking into your sweet childrens eyes and realizing that you would literally sacrifice anything for their well being.