Tonight, I had the opportunity to go out with a group of girl friends that I haven't ever gone out with. They are the wives of some of John's friends. I was so excited to go, and not to mention that I really needed a night out. I was trying to decide what to do with the kids and Ethan said that he would like to tend. I have let him watch the little kids a number of times before, but I didn't want to over burden him. He said that he would like to help me out, so I told him that I would love the help, but that I would pay him for it tonight. He was thrilled, and I was saved from having to figure out other plans.
Usually, I get a number of calls from crying kids when I'm gone, but tonight they didn't call once. I expected to see the in-laws car in the driveway when I got home, but nope they weren't there. I went inside expecting a huge mess, but again I was wrong. I thought for a minute that they must be over at their grandparents sound asleep. So I walked up the stairs and lo and behold...everyone tucked snug in their beds and fast asleep.
Wow! Have you ever met an eleven year old boy that is that responsible? I don't know what I did to deserve that kid, but man am I glad that I got him. He is truly an angel.
Just after John and I got married, I had a strong, and I mean strong impression that it was time to have a baby. We had only been married a few months, and the plan was to wait three years. John was upset, he felt like I didn't want to spend time with him. He loved married life, and wanted to be able to spend a little more time together just the two of us before we brought children into our family. I loved him so much, and loved every second that we got to spend together, but this feeling that I was having was way more than just baby hungry.
We talked over and over about the subject. I would cry, because I felt like we weren't obeying a very strong prompting from the Lord. He would laugh and say, "Lisa, Saturdays Warrior is NOT gospel." I would laugh too, but deep down I felt so guilty.
I remember one night we were deep in discussion and he told me, "If Heavenly Father wanted us to have a baby right now, there wouldn't be anything that could stop that from happening." Famous last words, because we found out that we were expecting Ethan that month. Just a week shy of our first anniversary.
My little Ethan has from way before day one carried an extremely strong spirit. Anyone that meets the kid is well beyond impressed. I'm not just bragging, it's true 100%.
I remember driving home one night, the kids were asleep in the back seat, and I asked John if he was happy, and if he would have done anything differently. He said to me that he loved his life and his family, but he wished that Ethan would have waited a couple of years to come to us. Then, just before he died he said, "Remember that conversation that we had that night? I take it back, Ethan made us who we are. Without him coming when he did, we wouldn't be the strong family that we are today."
Thank you Ethan for the amazing young man that you are. I am in awe of your strength and compassion. You are so perfect that I worry sometimes that you may be translated before my eyes. I am honored to be you mother, but even more honored to be witness to your greatness. I love you bud.
This is the story of one woman's navigation through grief following the loss of her true love, and husband of almost eleven years. Questions of who am I now, questions of how to raise the kids alone, and leaning how to live again will be confronted, hopefully in a positive and meaningful light.